Summary

The article advocates for self-compassion and the destigmatization of masturbation, suggesting that guilt and shame around sexual desires, including masturbation, should be replaced with empathy and self-acceptance, inspired by the author's experiences with their cat.

Abstract

The author of the article shares a personal journey of overcoming guilt and shame associated with masturbation, emphasizing the importance of self-compassion and the normalization of sexual desires. They recount how their cat inadvertently helped them confront and move past these negative emotions by being non-judgmental and present during moments of self-pleasure. The article references the work of Brené Brown on guilt and shame, and Jon Kabat-Zinn's principles of mindfulness, to underscore the value of living without judgment and with empathy towards oneself. The author encourages readers to adopt a more compassionate view of their own sexuality, drawing a parallel to Monica Lewinsky's call for a more compassionate world, both online and offline.

Opinions

The author believes that masturbation is often accompanied by unnecessary guilt and shame, which should be addressed with self-compassion.
They suggest that societal and religious backgrounds, along with past medical misconceptions, contribute to the stigma surrounding masturbation.
The author posits that empathy, as described by Brené Brown, is an effective antidote to shame.
They credit their cat's non-judgmental presence for helping them to embrace mindfulness and reduce self-judgment about their sexual practices.
The article concludes with a call to action for individuals to practice self-compassion and to contribute to a more compassionate society, referencing Monica Lewinsky's advocacy for compassion in the face of public shaming.

This Is Why You Should Let Your Cat Watch When You Masturbate

We should replace the guilt and shame of sex with compassion for ourselves.

Preamble: I would argue that there’s too much self-inflicted guilt and shame regarding sex. Masturbation, the topic of this article, is but an example of the many sexual behaviors that could, and should, be looked at with more (self-)compassion.

For a long time, I was too afraid to masturbate in my room.

Because of the fear of getting caught in the act, you know?

Even when I knew I would be alone for the next hours, even when I installed a lock on my door for privacy, and even when I (finally) got my place.

The fear was still there.

The shower might now be the perfect quarantine masturbation spot; but, to me, it always was the perfect masturbation spot. Period.

Even though it’s still my favorite, I learned to enjoy masturbating in my bedroom; and I’ve got to thank my cat for that. Not only did it bring my masturbation practice out there (in a decent way), it also had a liberating effect on my sex life.

More than fear, it was guilt, and, even, shame.

Brené Brown defines Guilt as, “[being] uncomfortable because we’re holding up something we’ve done or failed to do and comparing it with who we want to be.”

I wanted to be someone who didn’t masturbate and who was able to control the natural urges of the body, someone with willpower. But my sexual-drive was stronger. Several times a day even.

And I didn’t have access to resources like this one from Victoria State Government in Australia. Resources that insist on how normal masturbation is, how healthy it can be, and debunk myths and taboo around masturbation.

I never actually believed it, but it would have been good to hear that I won’t need to wear glasses if I masturbate too often. Or that my hands won’t get stuck on my sex if someone catches me touching it.

I enjoyed masturbating (still do!), but I felt guilty about it. And more than guilt, it was shame at times.

Thankfully, shame, this extreme emotional state when guilt goes up another level, reaching a self-defining one, happened rarely enough.

Why the guilt and shame?

You could wonder why anyone should be feeling guilty or ashamed of masturbating. I for sure do. However, it took me a while to ask myself this question; and my cat was instrumental in the realization.

I don’t have the exact answer; Laurie Mintz gives a good overview in this article for Psychology Today. It’s a mix of religious background, past medical misconceptions, and random personal experiences.

It’s something we can change. We can aim to replace the guilt and shame of sex with compassion for ourselves. We deserve it.

As Brené Brown wrote, “empathy is the antidote to shame. Shame can’t survive empathy.”

My cat (and Jon Kabat-Zinn) taught me to be less judgemental.

My cat, like all cats, particularly dislikes closed doors and is very vocal about it. Even more so the bathroom door, as that’s where its litter is. It explains why my cat watched me masturbate.

The first time it happened was somehow a revelation to me. A cognitive dissonance took place, a conflict between two views of myself.

I was feeling ashamed at being caught but was also aware of how ridiculous it could be to think so because of my cat. I stopped masturbating and shouted at my cat to scare it away, all the while thinking how it made little sense to have such a reaction.

My meditation practice helped me to start sorting out these feelings. And to start asking myself why I was feeling guilty and ashamed of masturbating.

When explaining what mindfulness means, Jon Kabat-Zinn describes it as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and without judgment.”

My cat is the best meditator I know; at least, it looks the part. It lives in the present moment, on purpose (to eat or sleep), and, whatever I do, it looks at me without judgment.

That one time in the bathroom, my cat was non-judgmental. As it should be, the cat couldn’t care less if I was masturbating or not. It was my thing, and if I took pleasure out of it, good for me.

Final Thought — have compassion for yourself.

As strange as it may sound, I have to thank my cat for teaching me to be less judgmental about masturbation and my sexual desires in general.

But I want to conclude with a quote from Monica Lewinsky’s 2015 Ted Talk. It’s a moving and courageous talk. Her experience is out of this world; she was “patient zero of losing a personal reputation on a global scale almost instantaneously”

My experience doesn’t compare, but her last sentences summarize what I wish to help achieve with this article.

“Have compassion for yourself. We all deserve compassion and to live both online and off in a more compassionate world.”

Smillew is a writer, a tweeter, and a serial masturbator. He also enjoys yoga and meditation.