Summary

The author shares five personal strategies for maintaining sexual tension in a long-term marriage, emphasizing the importance of communication, creativity, and intention in keeping the spark alive.

Abstract

The article outlines five practices the author has implemented to sustain sexual desire in their second marriage, acknowledging the challenges of maintaining sexual tension over time. These practices include using a dedicated messenger app for intimate conversations, setting reminders for sending sexy messages, sending erotic postcards during travels, leaving suggestive sticky notes, and incorporating one's partner into masturbation fantasies. The author stresses the role of technology in both hindering and enhancing sexual connection, and advocates for intentionality and effort in nurturing a romantic relationship. They also highlight the importance of not letting the excitement of a new relationship fade away and suggest that being proactive about romance can be just as meaningful as spontaneous acts of love.

Opinions

The author believes that sexual desire can diminish in long-term relationships if not actively maintained.
They suggest that separating intimate communication from daily logistics can enhance sexual attraction.
The use of technology, such as reminder apps, can be creatively leveraged to keep the sexual connection alive, despite its potential to distract and diminish sexual drive.
Sending postcards and sticky notes with romantic and sexual messages is seen as a way to keep the relationship exciting and surprising.
The author emphasizes the importance of personal time and space, such as solo trips, to reflect on and express desire for one's partner.
Masturbation is viewed as a tool to manage sexual frustration and build anticipation for encounters with one's partner, provided it is done with moderation.
The author values the role of fantasy in maintaining sexual tension, particularly when incorporating one's partner into the narrative.
They acknowledge that effort and planning in a relationship can be as romantic as spontaneous gestures, and that such efforts are crucial for long-term satisfaction.

5 Things I Do to Maintain Sexual Tension in My Marriage

#5 is, of course, about masturbation.

My first divorce taught me this lesson.

I noticed and understood too late how easily sexual drive could disappear in a long term relationship.

And, as Meghan Gause recently wrote, technology isn’t always helping. But, there’s hope! Hope in the fact that I’m still having sex after ten years of (second) marriage!

Here are 5 habits I created and try my best to maintain. For once, the reward is worth the effort!

Have a dedicated messenger app for sex talk

It’s a big turn-off to see sexy pictures or dirty talk intertwined with a reminder to clean the cat litter and grocery shopping list.

Maybe your partner is hot on tomatoes at the moment, or maybe they’ve got a new fetish. Or maybe everything is mixed up, and you’ll end up looking at tomatoes in the supermarket like you’re usually looking at your partner naked. Or worse, the exact contrary. Believe me; nobody wants to be compared to a tomato. If you make this mistake, quickly make the tomato juicy and bright red, a tomato you’re drooling over, hungry for more.

A big plus of the dedicated messenger app is that you can be more relaxed about sending explicit content. Your partner won’t open your hot messages and pictures in the middle of a meeting anymore.

From my experience, you’ll end up sending more exciting NSFW content.

Use a reminder app, or set-up a reminder in your calendar for sexy messages

The big advantage of (some) reminder applications is the randomization feature. While the risk with an alert in the calendar is to send your love message every Tuesday at 10:30 AM, forgetting about all the other days…

To get around this, I also use 1/1 meetings with my boss as a trigger to text my partner. The timeslots are supposedly fixed, but in the end, it’s always changing from one week to another. And, more importantly, it puts me in a brilliant mood for the meetings!

Use postcards

Before going on a business or solo trip without your partner, prepare three postcards. They don’t have to be literary gems, but they have to be hot. They can all say the same thing. For example, ‘I want you.’

Prepare them when you have the time and energy. Even better, prepare them when you’re sexually aroused.

When lacking inspiration, go for erotica poetry. The Atheist by Megan Falley is a guaranteed winner with my partner:

The first time we made love I realized why I never prayed. One human can only say “Oh God” so many times.

Megan Falley

Why 3 postcards?

Leave the first one in the letterbox on departure day.
Send the second one from wherever you happen to be traveling. (If possible, have it stamped in advance.)
Leave the third one in the letterbox on arrival day.

If children are around and can read the postcards, use postcards for romance and sticky notes for dirty talk.

Use sticky notes

Same principle, shorter texts. Hide them in drawers, in shoes or socks, in the middle of underwear, under the pillow, or in coat pockets.

The best ones are found 6 months later. Come April, hide a post-it note in the winter jacket. I currently have one waiting for now 2 years in the rollerblades my partner isn’t using anymore. I fear the note will end-up on e-bay with them.

It’s a classic, but it remains my favorite combination of sticky notes when leaving for a few days or more: ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’, and ‘I want you’.

But you don’t have to go on a trip to use them. Hide one under the pillow in the morning and wait for your partner to discover it in the evening. My most successful note said: Massage with a happy ending gift voucher.

My partner keeps it and regularly pretends to find it again! This note has been sticking around for a year now.

Masturbate thinking of what you’re going to do to your partner

Thanks to Covid and working from home most of the time, I’ve got many more opportunities for masturbation during the day. That’s an unexpected side effect we don’t talk about enough.

Proceed with caution! You don’t want to become a serial masturbator. Scheduling is key; I never masturbate on days when there’s a high chance for quality time with my partner. Conversely, I try to be consistent in masturbating on days I’m sure we won’t have the opportunity for sex.

It releases frustration and builds up the tension for our next session at the same time.

Even if, at times, they play only a supporting role, my partner is always present in my masturbation fantasies. And 90% of the cases, they’re the star of the show. Imagining what we’ll be doing to each other the next time we have sex keeps me wanting more. And we’re more creative in the bedroom.

With time, it became necessary

At the beginning of our relationship, all these came naturally. I didn’t have to think or remind myself about being attentive to my partner and our sex lives. With time, it became necessary.

As mechanical and rational as these tips sound, I would argue that making efforts to care for our relationships is being romantic. That’s the way I see it when my partner does the same for me. And, in any case, it’s efficient.