This Is Why We Miss Red Flags

And it may surprise you

In college, my then-boyfriend and I were walking down the street. He suddenly went behind me and pushed me towards his left. It confused me but I kept moving.

A few steps later I spotted a Doberman on the corner.

“Oh my gosh,” I say. “You pushed me over because you were afraid of the dog.”

“Yes,” he says with a laugh.

Unbelievably, my foolish (stupid, ridiculous, absurd, naive) teenage self laughed too. But there was nothing funny about this. The dog may as well have been wearing red. It was a massive crimson flag.

I was with a man who was willing to sacrifice me to save himself.

Danger Will Robinson, alert, alert — red flag ahead.

I could give a plethora of reasons why we miss these high-flying clues.

And they would all be true. We’re young, we’re clueless, we see the best in people, we make excuses, we’re too easygoing, we’re affable, we’re overly caring enablers, etc. But there’s a universal tenent that runs through every red flag.

What’s that?

We miss red flags because we don’t prioritize how we feel over our feelings for the other person — ever.

We ignore our own feelings.

And this is where all the mitigating factors enter in. We’re young, clueless, easygoing, affable, and overly caring, and we convince ourselves it’s no big deal.

We make excuses for the other person or what happened.

How did that Dobie moment make me feel? Not great. It doesn’t feel good to know when someone you love is scared they will push you in front of the flames. I ignored my initial gut reaction. I laughed and made it no big deal. I came up with an excuse. I worked at a vet and kennel. He knew I wasn’t afraid of dogs.

But here’s the thing.

If you’re approaching a Doberman on a dark street corner you should be cautious. You should exercise restraint with any breed because you don’t know if they are friendly or not.

When I look back on every red flag before and after marriage they have one commonality. I ignored my own feelings. I didn’t prioritize myself. And yes, I did make excuses and/or ignore them as most do with red flags.

But it was because I lacked the self-protective instincts to have healthy boundaries. I didn’t have the ability to put myself first when necessary.

I took one for the team you could say.

I collectively kept the peace in favor of choosing me. I continually saw the best in my then-boyfriend and ultimately husband. If I’d had self-protective instincts it would have rocked the pedestal I put him on. I would have had the ability to see the best in him while initiating boundaries to ensure I was treated well.

We ignore red flags for many reasons.

We’re young, we’re clueless, we see the best in people, we make excuses, we’re too easygoing, we’re affable, we’re overly caring enablers, etc.

But there’s a universal tenent that runs through every red flag.

What’s that?

We miss red flags because we don’t prioritize how we feel over our feelings for the other person — ever.

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