This Is What An Emotionally Immature Parent Really Looks Like

It’s as heartbreaking and chaotic as it sounds.

Image by **Albertocase** **via Envato Elements**

You’d be hard pressed to find anyone over the age of 30 who was raised by an emotionally mature person. Quite the opposite. Most of us in the upper echelons of the generational wars survived childhoods that were filled with caretakers who exploded for sins as small as poorly folded towels; parents who called us names after a bad day at work or a mediocre grade.

That’s what it was to grow up with an emotionally immature parent. If you were lucky you got ignored, but if you weren’t, you could expect a lot of manipulation and mental and emotional abuse.

Because that’s what it means to be brought up by someone who cannot control their emotions, who cannot access the full depth of their emotional intelligence. No, we’re not talking about a narcissistic parent (though many emotionally immature parents are also narcissistic in their approach to parenting).

This is all about the emotionally immature parent, and what they cost their children for the length and width of their adult lives.

Are emotionally immature parents narcissists?

Emotionally immature parents are primarily those who remain in a state of suspended ego. It affects their parenting abilities and the relationships they can build with their children. Never really in control of how they feel or how they react, they can create toxic environments in which it is hard to thrive.

The emotionally immature parent is self-centered, egocentric, and delusional. If you think this sounds a lot like a narcissistic parent, that’s because it is. There are a lot of crossovers between the two.

All narcissists are emotionally immature, but not all emotionally immature people qualify with the full traits of NPD.

The truth remains, many emotionally immature parents share similar personality traits to those of the narcissistic parent. The crossover is extraordinary. In both cases, they become parents who cannot hold space in their lives for the emotional experiences of others. They minimize their children and objectify them. Family becomes a mechanism of blame and control.

Perhaps more distinctly, you’ll see a shared lack of empathy between the narcissistic parent and the emotionally immature parent, and the consequences are the same. Adult children are left scarred by insecurity and a lack of confident, self-defined identity.

What an emotionally immature parent really looks like.

So what can we look for in the emotionally immature parent? They have some truly defining characteristics we can look out for. Why would we want to know? Because knowledge is power. The more realistic you are about who your parent is the quicker you can move on with healthier expectations.

Toxic defense mechanisms

Reactions and juvenile behavior are some of the primary defining traits of the emotionally immature parent. These include an array of toxic defense mechanisms that make it hard to connect with your parent. Defensive behaviors can include projection, gaslighting, terror campaigns, temper tantrums, stonewalling, withdrawing affection, and familiar alienation.

A focus on ego

Emotionally immature parents act and react from a place of ego more than anything else. Their entire parenting journey is about then, what they want, and who they think you are. All of their actions come from a place of ego. They take everything personally and see everything you say or do as a personal reflection or attack on them. Putting someone else first is an action that they don’t even consider.

Non-stop blame games

Do you feel like your parent is good at being accountable for their actions? When they make a mistake, do they apologize? Are they someone who grows? That’s not what the emotionally immature parent does. Instead, they opt to make things difficult by blaming everyone else for the bad things that happen in their lives. They blame you for everything that goes wrong in their lives. If you’re really unlucky, they make you the family scapegoat.

Impaired empathy

Like the narcissistic parent, the emotionally immature parent has a major empathy deficit. Because their ego is always in the way, they can’t quite relate to the emotions of others. An emotionally immature parent doesn’t hold space for your emotional experiences. Their emotions are the only emotions that are expected to be respected in the room.

Demand for attention

One of the most annoying behaviors has to be the emotionally immature parent’s demand for attention. Whether through insecurity or ego, they want to have all eyes on them. Some will do this through twisted power dynamics in the home. Others might create a crisis. All roads lead back to them. Everything has to be about them at all times. Look for the parent who has to cause a stir every holiday, birthday, or family gathering.

Objectifying connections

Emotionally immature parents don’t always see their children (or even their partners) as fully fledged people. You may feel like a doll to them, not a person. This parent expects you to behave not as a person but as a child or as a plaything. It can feel like they only love you when you’re performing in a way that makes them feel or look good. They objectify the people they “love”.

Total unavailability

Emotional unavailability is one of the biggest tells this immature parent-type has. Because they don’t have full understanding of their emotions, the emotionally immature parent can shy away from their own emotional states. This prevents vulnerability and the openness required to create a deep bond with their children and partners.

How to recover from the damage of an emotionally immature parent.

Those who are raised in the home of someone who is emotionally immature can wind up scarred in their adult lives. There are so many crucial lessons that we learn from our parents in key developmental years. When those lessons become warped — or our parents cannot meet at least 30% of our emotional needs — we struggle.

Are you the adult child of an emotionally immature parent? Some of the most common signs include:

Rocky relationships
Unstable sense of self
Low emotional intelligence
Impulsive behavior
Insecure attachment
Lack of self-esteem

The above list is not conclusive. There are so many poor patterns and behaviors we take on from our parents, and those lessons stick with us for a lifetime unless we wise up and take a conscious approach to improving our self-awareness and our relationships.

That’s where this moment comes into play.

This is your chance to re-start your life on the right foot; to see yourself for both who you are and who you want to be. You don’t have to continue to live in the shadow of someone who is emotionally immature. Even if they are your parent, you are not beholden to live up to their expectations.

Your life is right here, in your hand. Take hold of it and start doing what’s right for you. Reach out, get help. Learn everything you can about toxic childhood and what it means to heal your nervous systems, your psyche, and your systems of self-belief.

Most of all, start standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. You’re not responsible for the life your parents have created for themselves, but you handle this life in front of you. Make the most of it.

Green, J., & Goldwyn, R. (2002). Annotation: Attachment disorganisation and psychopathology: new findings in attachment research and their potential implications for developmental psychopathology in childhood. Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry, 43(7), 835–846. doi: 10.1111/1469–7610.00102

E.B. Johnson is a top-writer, coach, and podcaster who specializes in narcissistic family abuse and recovery. With over two-decades of abuse recovery experience, she’s made it her mission to help others free themselves from the shadows of narcissistic abuse.