Setting Boundaries as the Adult Child of Toxic Parents
Life gets a lot easier when you learn how to set boundaries. This is how to stay the course and draw the line when your parents are toxic.
by: E.B. Johnson
We are taught how to become the people that we are by our parents. Our beliefs, our understanding of the world, our ability to function in it — that all comes from our families. Too often, however, these perceptions and skills are warped by chaotic, traumatic, or abusive upbringings. It’s hard to build safe and balanced relationships when you have toxic parents who make it impossible to draw the line between safety and their own personal needs.
How to set boundaries as the adult child of toxic parents.
One of the core skills we fail to learn (being brought up by toxic people) is how to set boundaries. Those with a chaotic or painful upbringing struggle to draw the line, and often become doormats for the world around them. Toxic parents don’t teach us the value of boundaries because we would set boundaries with them. That’s precisely what we need to do, however, if we’re ever going to get to a safe place with them.
Figure out who you are
Too many children of toxic parents grow up to be adults who have no idea who they are. Even though they claim to be grown — and they even branch off and start their own families — they continue to adhere to the patterns and manipulations of their parents. Unsurprisingly, this leads to upset and heartbreak.
Knowing who we are and what we want is a crucial part of setting boundaries with our toxic parents. You can’t stand up to them if you’re unsure of where the boundaries lie. You have to step outside of their expectations and start fighting for your own.
Who do you want to be in this life? How do you want to be seen by others? How do you want to feel? How do you want to be treated? Your parents are a part of these configurations, too. Be honest. Figure out what kind of life you’re going to give yourself and then see what line you need your parents behind.
There’s no drawing the line with your parents when you don’t know where the lines lie for yourself. You must figure out who you are and what you want so that you can then communicate (to the world) how you want it to treat you.
Start small and safe
Setting boundaries is a skill, and like any skill, it takes a while for us to build up to it. You will not read this article and then run off to effectively confront your parents face-to-face. That’s not how reality works. You could be given a literal script to follow and it still wouldn’t work.
That’s because you have to start small. Practice the uncomfortable art of telling people “no” and limiting their access to you (physically and emotionally). Start where it’s safe. Set boundaries with friends and in places where it’s safe to do so.
Over time, you will build up confidence and see that the scary act of limit-setting is not really that scary at all. It’s simply unfamiliar territory that you must learn to navigate with grace and with stubborn obstinacy. You have a right to tell your toxic parents how they will and will not treat you.
Communicate clearly
Communication is a must in the boundary setting position. You cannot draw the line with your toxic parents unless you talk to them at some point. You’re going to have to tell them “no” and you’re going to have to explain why you no longer want them to do, or not do, something.
Again, starting small is important here. Stand up for yourself in small places (maybe like what you eat at a family dinner, or what family events you take part in). Then work your way up.
If your parents do something you don’t like, give them one opportunity. During that opportunity, explain to them (like a child) what you don’t want them to do, and why. Explain how it makes you feel, then give examples of behaviors or phrases you would like to receive from them instead.
Once you have explicitly laid down the line, that’s it. They can either get with the program or they can lose access to you and your life. That’s all the options. You don’t have to keep taking heat and pain to be a part of their lives. You never asked to be a part of their lives to begin with. If they want you in it, they can make as much room for you as they make for themselves.
Stop accepting excuses
As you assert your boundaries, you can expect the toxic people in your family to protest. They’re going to blow past those boundaries and stretch them as far as they can. Especially if that means maintaining the norm of toxicity they’ve gotten used to.
Don’t accept any excuses from your toxic parents. None. They might claim that they are too old to do things differently, or that your claims hurt them — but it’s all a lie.
If they are competent enough to maintain their day-to-day lives (a job, bills, the management of other family members) then they are smart and skilled enough to toe the line of your boundaries appropriately. Period.
Once they drop the excuses, both of you can come to the table and work as a team to come up with new understandings of what you each need and how you want to be treated.
Detach in self-respect
Let’s face facts. Setting boundaries with toxic parents doesn’t mean they will honor or respect them. Most times, these are individuals who are incapable of making room for other people in that way.
All the same, you must hold fast. And, perhaps more importantly, you must teach them that disrespecting your boundaries means they lose access to you. Detach yourself from those who cannot respect your boundaries — including your toxic parents.
You’re not being petty or malicious. You’re not depriving them of anything. Ignore their protests. This is an action rooted in self-respect. Respect yourself more than you allow their disrespect.
If you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, unwanted, unappreciated, unloved, then you must clarify that you won’t tolerate those things. We do that effectively by simply limiting contact and removing ourselves from environments in which those basic standards of need are not being met.
Putting it all together…
It can feel impossible to set boundaries when you’re the child of a toxic parent (or parents). They teach you it’s not safe to have boundaries. They don’t allow you to set limits, and when you do, you’re usually punished for it. The difference now, though, is that you’re an adult. You deserve respect, and you deserve parents who honor you.
Break out of the patterns set by your parents and start sticking up for yourself and your future. Draw the line, but start small and lean into it carefully. Yes, you might lose the people who raised you. But consider the actual cost.
What’s worth more to you? A life lived miserably in their shadow? Or a life lived fully surrounded by people who love you more than you could ever imagine? That life exists, but you have to lean into a scary place you’ve never been before. Draw the line and set yourself up for a life of success. Set limits in your life with yourself, your parents, and everyone else. Embrace your right to be happy.
