STOP: This Is What You’re Not Being Told About Narcissistic People

No, not all narcissists are grandiose. Yes, all narcissists are inherently insecure about themselves and their history.

by E.B. Johnson

There are few words more popular on the internet today than “narcissism”. After hitting the mainstream at the break of Covid, it became the number one word on the edge of every relationship blogger’s lips. The influencers are using it. The celebrities are using it. Everyone seems to know a narcissist or has something to say about narcissism these days.

That’s part of the problem…

The word “narcissist” has become so popular today that the meaning has been warped. Rather than widening our understanding of narcissism, we have clouded a serious and toxic pattern of personality traits that are increasing at a rapid rate.

What you’re not being told about narcissistic people.

That’s why it’s important for you to get a reality check on the realities of narcissism and narcissistic people. Unplug from all the new “experts” who are cropping up and pay attention to the facts. There’s a lot you aren’t being told about narcissistic people. Without those realities, you can’t protect yourself from their destruction.

Increasingly common occurrence

There is a lot of argument out there about how common narcissism really is. The naysayers love to use the oft-quoted 5% stat as proof that narcissism is a relatively minimal side effect of our society. The truth, however, is that narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are on the rise. There there are a range of studies that have shown this again and again over the years.

That’s because narcissism is a personality shift that has been closely documented by governments far-and-wide since the days before World War II. Yep. That’s right.

Generations have been studied and observed for their narcissistic traits, and there have been significant and undeniable shifts since the end of WWII.

Since the 1950s and 1960s, narcissistic personalities have been on the rise. More and more of the population is choosing to nurture self-obsession and insecurity over empathy and emotional intelligence. And the proof of the pudding is in the eating…

It’s been linked to everything from the erosion of economic stability in western countries like the United States (Shen, 2013). It is also credited with the increasingly hostile, volatile, and counterproductive political states we see there and other countries like the United Kingdom, Poland, France, and Germany, and even China.

More than a selfish urge

Since the internet took hold of the word “narcissist” it’s become synonymous with a grandiose and selfish personality type. Narcissism is far more complex than that, though, and it can’t be simplified down to one braggadocious personality type.

There are many types of narcissist, and they all operate and manipulate in different ways.

Personality disorders manifest in thousands of different ways, with complicated comorbidities.

The one quality that binds them all together is an inherent empathy deficit which makes it impossible for them to connect at the deepest and most vulnerable levels of a partnership or relationship (of any kind).

Narcissistic people are incapable of relating to the emotional states of others. They aren’t connected to it. Sure, they can certainly feel their own range of emotions. They expect pity and guilt and all the rest of the reactions to their own pain.

Where it all falls apart is their ability to feel those emotions regarding others. They don’t care if you’re crying or in pain. They don’t feel sympathy for you, or regret for what they’ve done.

No. A truly narcissistic person doesn’t feel any of these things for you, especially if you have denied them or disappointed them in some way. To them, that’s pure justification to treat you any way they desire.

Effect of a modern lifestyle

As our understanding of narcissism increases, we are forced to consider the role of our modern lifestyles in the increasing spiral we find ourselves in. We live in a social media age, in which we are constantly gorging ourselves on validation — at the cost of casting ourselves as the stars of our own movies.

You could point the finger too toward tribal nationalism. Entire countries who believe that they are superior to others, simply because they exist. It feeds the mentality of “me-me-me” and encourages citizens to embrace their most narcissistic instincts.

Trauma also plays an actual role in creating narcissistic personality types. Worse, as we see it become more and more common in families, we are forced to look at our own parenting styles and the reasons for bringing life into this chaotically painful world.

Trauma plays a crucial role

In some narcissistic people, you can find trauma rooted deeply in their history. This is especially true of the covert narcissist, who learns early to use pain and trauma as a tool to earn pity — which they wield as a weapon.

If we’re going to be serious about defeating narcissism, then we have to be serious about addressing the role that trauma plays in that process (for some).

However, we’d be playing ourselves, and allowing narcissists to play us too, if we thought that every single narcissistic person had a history of trauma behind them. That’s simply not true.

Personality disorders are complex, and they can manifest in thousands of different ways for just as many reasons. Not all narcissists have trauma. Some choose to be the way they are.

Taking root in family systems

The scariest thing about narcissism is watching it manifest in family systems. Over-and-over again, you see the pattern. Two people who are careless, who think more of themselves than anything else, creating a child they have no actual intention of loving.

Narcissism is not limited to the romantic realm, or even your friendships. This toxic personality type is very common in family systems, where you find parents who prioritize their own needs, desires, and ego over the care and happiness of their children.

The narcissistic family is one of the most dangerous threats facing children today.

Instead of loving and supporting their children, they see them as accessories. They put them into little boxes and make them perform for love.

Children in these homes learn early that they have to act and think a certain way in order to be loved. They become whatever their narcissistic parents want them to be, or risk getting cast in the role of scapegoat, black sheep, or forgotten child.

In the end, it’s all about the parent looking a certain way or getting the feeling they want. They never learn to see their children as autonomous adults worthy of mutual respect and support.

An inability to change

Because so many people misunderstand true narcissism, they fall under the spell of hope. They believe that their partner can change, and that (if they just love them enough) they will be the ones who can change the toxic ways. That’s the thing, however….true narcissists can’t change. They won’t change. They have no desire to.

There is no curing a personality disorder, especially narcissism.

Narcissistic people don’t seek treatment. They cannot see their flaws. Even if they seek help, most use it to manipulate it for their own gain. It all comes back to that lack of empathy. This makes it hard for them to become intrinsically motivated to change.

Narcissistic people don’t really care if their relationship gets better to benefit them. These people see relationships as exchangeable and interchangeable. They would rather replace you than admit that they need to change.

There’s a massively sliding scale

Of all the arguments naysayers love, it’s the cry of diagnosis. “They haven’t been diagnosed with NPD! You can’t call them a narcissist!”

The problem with this argument, though, is that it lacks both context and understanding of narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, and the reality of diagnosis.

Someone can be narcissistic without being diagnosed or having NPD. We all have narcissistic tendencies (it’s a form of self-preservation instinct, after all). Some of us lean into these personality traits to the detriment of their empathy and the lives of everyone around them.

These are people who choose themselves in a cruel way, and punish those who don’t choose them back. They are often malignant and cruel.

Calling someone like this a “narcissist” is not the same as diagnosing them. It’s not to mark them with a scarlet letter, or to paint them with some kind of psychologist’s brush that you can’t wield.

To see true narcissism in someone is simply to see that they lack empathy and that they take pleasure in putting themselves over others. There’s a hunger and a fundamental insecurity in them too. A knowledgeable eye has to be aware of these patterns to protect themselves.

Using the truth to forge a new reality.

If it all seems hopeless, don’t despair. There are a lot of powerful things you can do with the knowledge you’ve gained above. Narcissism may be on the rise. We may see these tendencies in ourselves, but that doesn’t mean that change can’t still happen.

Stop making space for narcissistic people in your life. Don’t make room for their poor behavior, the hurt they inflict. Learn to set boundaries and learn that it’s better to be alone than to be used by someone who cannot love you.

In the same respect, learn to set these boundaries and limits with yourself. Don’t allow yourself to use others without seeking to give mutual love and support. Discover emotional intelligence and build on your empathy in every choice you make for yourself and toward others.

© E.B. Johnson 2022