This Is Not Another “Just Think Positively and You’ll Feel Better” Post

Help for those who are freaking out over the U.S. election, pandemic or other stressful situations.

I am writing this post for me as much as anyone. Like many, the pandemic and associated problems and stress already had me on edge. Then came the lead up to the election and the vote with a host of stressors associated with that, including still not knowing the winner at the time this post went to press.

This sent me into a complete tailspin. It’s no secret that I have hoped and prayed for a democratic victory in the form of a trifecta — President, House and Senate. And at least in terms of the Presidency, it seemed like we were heading in that direction.

I know they said not to expect a definitive outcome, but last night starting at 7:00pm when the first polls closed, I obsessively watched the live streamed returns, alternating between becoming elated when Biden widened the distance between him and Trump, and distressed when the reverse happened. By 9:00, I was pacing in bedroom, talking to the results on my phone, as if that would turn them into what I wanted them to be.

I had been texting back and forth with a friend who likewise was watching the returns with interest, until at 10:00 she said she wasn’t watching them anymore and was going to bed, having accepted we’d have to wait for them to count the mail in votes. I felt abandoned but soldiered on.

By 11:00, having worn myself out, I was stretched on my bed watching various mindless shows on Netflix, checking back in to the live stream at the end of each episode. I wasn’t going to bed until they declared a winner. I’d gone to bed early last election, certain that when I woke up we’d have our first woman president and look how that had turned out. No, much like the person who wears the same old, ratty jersey every time his team plays to help them win, I wasn’t sleeping until I knew who had won.

Waking up at 9:00 this morning after dozing off at some point during Dawson’s Creek (about as mindless as they get — once you get “boy wants girl who doesn’t want boy who then wants boy who doesn’t want girl” story line you’re good for the entire series) I grabbed for my phone, scared at what the news would say. The results were what they’d been at 11:00pm the previous night.

I went through a flood of relief (I hadn’t made Biden lose yet), and distress (Why the hell didn’t we know the outcome?), I wanted to call or text someone who would rant and rave with me, share my fear over what was coming, complain about the process and stress they are putting us all through, and commiserate, but I was just too darn tired. I fell back onto my pillow exhausted.

One of the main problems with the pandemic and U.S. election is that these events aren’t necessarily under our direct control. We can wear a mask and practice social distancing but we can’t make everyone do so. We can vote and hope others vote the way we do, but we likewise can’t make them do that either. So when it’s all down to the waiting, and there’s nothing we can do further, this can cause the stress to build up as each day passes.

I know I’m not the only one who has had problems coping with the pandemic and U.S. election. I also know that if I hadn’t done something to bring my emotional roller coaster to a stop I would have gone completely off the rails. After regaining control over my thoughts and feelings, and re-energizing myself with a few minutes of exercise, I set out to create a plan of action to calm my nerves and improve my mood.

Before I begin, I just want to say that these are things that I have found useful and that have been used by others I know to successfully calm their fears and worries about the future. They aren’t all going to work for everyone and some might be the opposite of what you need to decrease stress in your life. You know yourself better than anyone.

If something seems counter to what you need right now, don’t use it. There are also likely things that you know are good for you to do. Add those. The goal is to find a plan that will help you through whatever current stress you are feeling and which will apply to future situations to help you de-escalate anxiety, rage, depression and general distress in situations you cannon directly control.

Let Yourself Ruminate for Five Minutes

Before you start de-escalating further and start trying to get things back under control, give yourself a chance to get everything you need to out of your system. Take five minutes to think about whatever is frightening you, you are angry or anxious about to acknowledge these things. Set a timer so you don’t devolve into a negative spiral.*

While some would say this is a not a good idea since it focuses attention on the negative, I think that too often we invalidate our fears and negative thoughts about things that have been happening in a very real way. I was raised professionally in a behavioral/cognitive-behavioral psychology that taught, “Identify negative thought, challenge negative thought, replace negative thought.”

Don’t get me wrong — Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a very powerful way to change our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. But I think that the conversation about being positive, especially with so many people having a hard time coping with the pandemic, has caused us to believe that our thoughts and feelings always have to be positive. This can make matters worse by suggesting that emotions that are part of the normal human experience and thoughts that are a rational response albeit not always glowing affirmations of life, should be negated.

Even the term, “invalidate,” that we may use to describe the process of reframing our thoughts and feelings, suggests that anything negative is not valid. By first acknowledging how we feel and the thoughts that are having as legitimate and real, but doing so for only a brief period of time, we can get rid of the underlying damaging belief that to think or feel something negative means we are weak or doing something wrong.

As you ruminate on what is wrong in your life, determine which of these things are realistic and which are exaggerated, obsessional, or inaccurate. This process alone can help de-escalate some of your distress. File this information away so you can use it to remind yourself of what is reasonable and what is venting when you feel your distress starting to build again.

Once the five minutes are up, take a few deep breaths and move onto the next steps.

*If you are feeling overwhelmed, skip this step and move onto the next one. It’s okay to avoid focusing on negative thoughts and feelings as a short term coping mechanism to get through them.

Take Care of Your Physical Needs

Often when we feel anxious, depressed or angry, we can fall into failing to look after basic daily physical tasks. This can make us feel worse.

Don’t sit around in a robe all day. Instead, take a long luxurious shower. Use a product that has a scent and sensation that makes you feel happy, invigorated and which calls up pleasant memories. My go-to scent is Neutrogena Rainbath or if I’m out, a strawberry scented shampoo and shower gel. Use a shower fizzie or steamer for some quick added aromatherapy.

Open all of your blinds or curtains to let as much natural light in as possible. Eat well throughout the day and drink lots of water. Take breaks every hour and do a few minutes of exercise.

Check In, Move On

Don’t get obsessed with the results to the point that you do nothing but watch for the numbers to change from minute to minute. It’s fine to stay informed, but limit your news intake, including social media. It’s not enough to decide to do something while election reports are playing in the background all day.

If need be, put your phone away and try to do something that is unplugged. Read a good book, listen to some music, talk to friends or family who aren’t overly opinionated and talk about other things. Make your day about something other than the current political situation.

Focus on the Good in Your Life

Okay, so I am going to mention this. But I couldn’t really do this kind of point without at least touching on it. Plus, there are caveats so, read on.

Make a list of all the good things you can think of that are happening right now, what has happened in the past week, the past month, the past year. What wonderful things are coming up in your immediate future?

The pandemic has caused many of us to feel very isolated and fearful of what the future may bring. This is exacerbated by all of the political discord that is going on in the country. No matter who you support, it is a very stressful time. It seems everywhere you look there are negative articles screaming about problems inside and outside the country, protests, fear of looting, fear of illness, loss of income, altered relationships due to changes in the social structure of our world and all manner of other stressful stimuli that can trigger us.

It’s easy to get bogged down in all of the negativity that is swirling around us right now. Making lists of positive things in our lives can help us refocus our attention in a way that will lead to more positive emotions and a calmer sense of what is happening in the world around us.

Use deep breathing which can help free your mind so the positive can float to the surface. Deep breathing and freewriting by hand. Whenever you feel yourself getting stressed out through the situation, recenter yourself with deep breathing then write out something positive.

Write by Hand

Instead of typing your positivity list into a computer, try writing it out by hand. The act of physically forming the letters activates the heart/hand connection, which can lead to you comping up with things you may not have otherwise. Writing by hand activates more areas of the brain than typing. It connects you with the words you are writing and lets your brain focus on them, better understand them, internalize them and learn from them. Writing by hand is rhythmic, therapeutic and calming. As an added bonus for writers, it can also inspire creativity.

Practice Gratitude and Train Your Brain to Remember the Positive

Sometimes we have a tendency to focus on the negative aspects of our lives which can feel more salient than the positive ones. We tend to underestimate how frequently we experience positive emotions, in that we more often forget positive emotional experiences than we forget negatively emotional experiences.

When making a concerted effort to acknowledge all that we are grateful for, people and experiences that are associated with positive emotions, this causes these things to become more conscious. This also helps them become better established in our memory which means they become more salient. When we do this enough, we can train our memories to include more positive emotional memories than negative ones.

Limit Contact With Those Who Will Trigger a Return to Dante’s Fifth Circle of Hell

When we are already on the edge, it can be tempting to call others who we know are in the same state. It can feel good to rant and rave with someone else who is doing likewise. But at the same time, if your goal is to calm down and move on with your day, talking to someone in a like mind will only leave you trapped in the same head space you already are and possibly make it worse. The more extreme your emotions the harder they are to de-escalate and the longer it takes. So, try to limit your contact with those who are likely to further trigger your negative emotions and stay out of highly charged political conversations.

Be Careful About Invalidating Others Thoughts and Feelings

Similar to the previous point, don’t invalidate other people’s thoughts and feelings. When those we care about are down in the dumps, we want to do something to make them feel better. But sometimes this takes the form of suggesting they just need to ignore their negative thoughts or feelings and focus only on the positive. This is like saying to them if they would only decide to feel better, they would, which dismisses their lived experience. But this feels no better to them than it does to us, when people attempt it.

I have a lot of experience having my thoughts and feelings invalidated. I don’t know about you, but when I need some understanding or compassion, when people suggest that I could change something if I wanted to, to look on the bright side, or to remember that so many others have it much worse, it makes me shut down. The lack of support means I have no opportunity to process negative experiences and emotions and move past them.

Instead of Catastrophizing Practice Acceptance

Most importantly, don’t catastrophize. This will only lead to your anxiety spiking. We often exaggerate the bad things in our lives until we reach a place that convinces us something is the end of the world. When there is something we have no control over or that we have done everything we can to influence in the direction that we want, there is no use constantly worrying about it.

Instead, we need to accept it for what it is, and move on to focus on something constructive that we can change, influence or determine. Remember, the U.S. has been through difficult times and presidential crises in the past and has survived. No matter who is elected, we will find a way to do so again.

Fill the week with things to look forward to. Try some of the following:

• Order your favorite takeout
• Have a socially distanced movie night with your roommate with comedies or dramas that improve your mode and focus your attention elsewhere
• Make a decadent meal
• Engage in a craft project
• Work on a new song on an instrument
• Meet up for a walk with a friend

Whatever it is you choose, do what you need in order to focus your attention on something enjoyable and take care of yourself in a way that reframes the current situation and put it in perspective.

Natalie Frank has a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and often writes about mental health and abnormal psychology. She focuses on stress and coping. Her collection of poetry, Disguised I Breathe, In Love I Hold, can be found here on Amazon

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