Stop Fighting with Your Partner
and learn how to grow and maintain a healthy partnership.
I’m not going to come here and start preaching like I am this wonderful matchmaker, couple counselor, or psychiatrist. I will just share my honest opinion on what I’ve witnessed in the past years is happening in today’s relationships, “situationships” or however you, kids, call them.
Well, as humans, the only social creatures gifted with consciousness, you’d think we evolved enough to grow healthy relationships. But our reality is far from the truth. No man comes with a complete instruction guide before sealing the deal.
As a teenager or young adult, I haven’t had many relationships. To be fair, I don’t think of my past “experiences” as relationships now. My motto was “avoid anything or anyone that can hurt you”. I built walls against my true self, walls that were climbed eventually by that “one and only”.
So, why do I come up here to give advice you probably wonder? Well, I’ve seen a lot of things. I’ve witnessed others’ love hardships from which I think I learned a lot. In a way, I’m grateful I did not waste my young years on temporary people.
And here I am, today, trying to put in words what I’ve heard, seen, felt, and understood from others’ actions.
The most common misconception that ruins it all
Self-help books. Social media. Therapists. Law of attraction. You name it…
“To find someone who loves you, you need to love yourself first.”
How many times have you heard this? How many times did you tell yourself or others this statement?
Or this:
“Two halves don’t make a whole.”
Well, I don’t buy these quotes.
Don’t get me wrong. I do believe that not only do we need to love and accept ourselves, but also find our missing pieces to build our individuality. But is this the blueprint you need to follow before falling in love?
I don’t think so. Anyone can build themselves when in a relationship just like they can when they are not involved in one. Everything is about timing and what I have learned in these past years is that you can’t program your whole life.
So, what’s the magical key to locking the door of a healthy partnership? The answer: maturity.
The most common mistake couples do
They don’t know how to communicate. Some even refuse to do it.
No, your partner can’t know exactly what you desire, need, or read your mind. No matter how well you think they know you. You simply need to speak up.
Short disclaimer —Throughout this story, I won’t be referring to toxic relationships, where there’s any kind of abuse involved. If you experience any type of abuse, please reach out for help.
I can’t even stress this enough. Most couples encounter hardships whenever one of them, or even both, refuses to express exactly what they are thinking. Also, if you and your partner are constantly fighting, there’s a big chance that the subjects of your complaints are simply trivial and puerile.
Let me be honest with you. Girls talk. And I can’t tell you how many stories of other people I’ve heard where the “big fight” seemed like childish behaviour to me. A simple rational approach could turn war into a peaceful exchange of thoughts.
I have an example. Once, this acquaintance was telling me and my friend how the latest fight between her and her boyfriend occurred — she was invited to go out with her friends and she asked her partner if he would like to join. He simply said “no” and she went out and enjoyed her night. When she came back, she expressed how mad she was her boyfriend did not go out with her and this whole fight escalated quickly.
“So, who’s wrong?”
If you answered this question, well… You are wrong, too. There shouldn’t be a winner and loser in a healthy partnership. But, what we can learn from this is how we would approach a situation like this.
In my opinion, if she would have expressed her desire for her boyfriend to join her and her friends or he would give a clear explanation for why he wasn’t up going out, this conflict would have been completely avoided.
A simple “I would like you to come with me” or “I am sorry, I am too tired/busy to go out tonight, but I will next time” would have done wonders.
These are the kinds of situations you need to learn to pass if you want to build a healthy foundation in your relationship.
And here are the tips on how you can start avoiding bickering with your partner.
3 tips to stop bickering with your partner
As a woman or man, you just need to understand that in a relationship there shouldn’t be any “me vs. you”. There is only an “us” team.
1. Say what you want.
Men are simple individuals. They simply don’t bother completing puzzles just because you’re up to an announced game.
Women are simple individuals, as well. They just have this misconception they are not entitled to verbalize their desires.
In a mature relationship, a man and a woman can simply tell how it is without the fear of being abandoned, misunderstood, or judged. If you can overcome these impediments, you’ll witness miracles.
2. There’s no right or wrong.
I know you feel the need to place blame when you fight with someone. Especially with your partner.
But, what you should do is listen carefully to their perspective, see if they are receptive to your feelings, and find a common ground.
When you are in the heat of the moment, you can’t see clearly if you misunderstand your person or a situation.
3. Listen and express yourself calmly.
Don’t ever start an argument when you are at the edge of bursting out. Respect your partner enough to calm down and not degenerate a situation into a whole drama. If you do this, you’ll avoid saying hurtful things to one another.
Take enough time for yourself to reflect on your feelings and when you are ready, pick the right time to express yourself. Also, make sure your partner is willing to communicate efficiently because if not, maybe he/she has some work to get done.
My simple advice, which is not rocket science, is to ask your partner to join a friendly discussion. If something bothers you, tell your partner rationally what it is that frustrates you and work together to find a compromise. Or even get the “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again” you long waited for.
Having these types of conversations will not only solve any tension between the two of you but also will save you time wasted on reencountering upsetting situations and bring you closer.
My partner and I never had a fight. We never “went to bed angry” or stopped talking because we were mad at each other. Also, never yelled at each other or said hurtful things. It’s just simple for us: when we have something that bothers us, we address it and are open and available to satisfy each other needs. We call them “discussions”. There’s no magic trick or equation, it’s just a simple ingredient: honest communication.
Now, if you are lucky enough to have found someone who is on your team, go ahead and show them some appreciation and gratitude.
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