avatarAdam Robinson

Summary

The article humorously discusses the challenges of getting published by Slackjaw, a prestigious comedy publication on Medium, by comparing it to other unlikely achievements such as becoming President, dating Natalie Portman, and battling Eminem in rap.

Abstract

The author of the article shares their personal experience with rejection from Slackjaw, a sought-after comedy platform on Medium, after multiple attempts at submission. They compare the difficulty of getting accepted by Slackjaw to the improbability of becoming the President of the United States, dating the famous actress Natalie Portman, and even winning a rap battle against Eminem. The article is filled with comedic elements, including exaggerated scenarios and playful jabs at the publication's selectivity. Despite the setbacks, the author maintains a light-hearted tone, suggesting that even with the high rejection rate, the pursuit of publication is worth the effort.

Opinions

  • The author implies that writing for Slackjaw is an exclusive and difficult achievement, akin to other rare opportunities in life.
  • There is a humorous suggestion that rejection from Slackjaw could lead to alternative, albeit unlikely, successes such as a political career or a romantic relationship with a celebrity.
  • The author uses hyperbole to convey their frustration with the submission process, likening it to an impossible task.
  • The article pokes fun at the stereotype of Germans lacking a sense of humor, using it as another example of an event more likely to occur than getting published by Slackjaw.
  • The author's attempt to create a diss track against Slackjaw shows their creativity and resilience in the face of rejection, as well as their willingness to use humor to cope with the situation.
  • The piece concludes with a tongue-in-cheek plea for acceptance by Slackjaw, highlighting the author's desperation for validation from the publication.

Slackjaw humor

Things You Have More Chance At Than Writing For Slackjaw

I’ve been rejected more times than Will Smith ringing Chris Rock’s doorbell

EGGcellent joke, mate — Photo: Tengyart on Unsplash

When I first realised I could make money from writing about boobs and urinals I immediately sought out where I could publish these steaming piles of crap.

I quickly found the holy grail of Medium comedy…

Slackjaw!!!— dun dun deeeerrrrr!!

Apparently, you could earn big bucks from a successful story being published through these guys. I got an immediate writer’s boner and made love to my iMac.

I was ready to earn some sexy cheddar — and also clean up my computer screen from the mess I’d made.

So — I wrote an article.

Rejected.

Okay, no worries I’ll try again.

Writes article

Rejected.

Okay, keep going, mate. They’ve gotta like something you do sooner or later.

Writes another article

Surely this time they will acce…ah, rejected.

Well, shit.

This made me think how tough it is to write for these guys. It’s a very exclusive club that turns away 85% of Medium writers.

So what things would we have a better chance at?

Is writing for Slackjaw the hardest thing to do in this whole wide world?

Luckily for you, I’ve made a list of what is more likely to be achieved than writing for Medium’s strictest nightclub.

Become President

“What do we want?” — “No more dementia!” — “What do we want?” — “No more dementia” — “What do we want?” — Photo: Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

That’s right folks, you’ve got more chance of becoming President than writing for Slackjaw.

Rumour has it Barack Obama initially wanted to write for Slackjaw before deciding to run for President after his article about Donald Trump being a d*ck was rejected.

Despite the setback, Barack still managed to have an alright career.

So, if your article gets rejected, don’t fret, you can always become the leader of the US of A.

I think the pay’s about the same.

Date Natalie Portman

When you switch cabs halfway because don’t like your Uber driver — Photo: Net-A-Porter

Another article rejected? Never fear, Natalie Portman is here.

Slackjaw may not know what they’re missing but Natalie certainly will.

She is the ultimate catch, but unfortunately has quite the array of ex-boyfriends:

  • Thor
  • Anakin Skywalker
  • A Swan.

On the last one — I’ve not actually seen Black Swan but I presume it’s about Portman dating a swan and how their relationship blossoms when they decide to move in together.

But yeah, if Slackjaw doesn’t keep you warm at night — Natalie certainly will.

German Guffaws

When the whole squad is on point — Photo: Preply

Guess what?

You’ve got more chance of meeting a German with a great sense of humour than writing for Medium’s most established comedy publication.

Germans are notoriously infamous for their lack of funny bones.

With this in mind, I decided to find the best German jokes out there to put this theory to the test.

Let’s have a look at the best jokes from the comedy hot spot that is Deutschland:

  • “Vat do you call a German cat? — A cat from Germany”.
  • “Vhere do people who are not from Germany live? — Places zat are not in zee motherland.”
  • “Vhy are Germans so clumzy? — Because zey fall over a lot.”

Okay, fair play Germany, you’re all boring as f*ck.

Despite this, you’re still more likely to meet a hilarious German before Slackjaw reads your article and says “Das Ist Gut”.

Eminem Battle

When she’s got vomit on her sweater already — but it ain’t mom’s spaghetti — Photo: Pop Crush

One of, if not the best, rappers to have ever lived — Marshall Mathers aka Eminem could lyrically destroy any MC stupid enough to try and battle him.

Yet, you have more chance at achieving this than being one of the 15% who is accepted by Slackjaw.

As I am one of the many casualties of Slackjaw’s ruthless rejection process, I have decided to battle Eminem instead of trying to write for them.

  • Update — Eminem ruined me in 20 seconds flat. I have therefore decided to go ahead and insult Slackjaw instead.

Here’s the rap diss track I have made about them:

Yo Slackjaw You must think I’m really poor But I write so amazing You’ve all got cocks like a sausage casing You reject 85% of people And I think that’s so feeble All I wanna do is write for you Now all I wanna do is have a poo Because I had a big lunch (oh yeah) I had a big lunch, yeah. Please just accept me for who I am A writer without a plan So just approve my pissing work If you do, I might just give your nipples a twerk

Okay so — that got weird. But I enjoyed the journey.

I hope you did too ❤

Hit The Road Slack

Me pretending not to see all my spelling mistakes in my first draft — Photo: Traxsde

There we have it, all the things you have more chance at than writing for the humor kings of Medium.

So, what have we learned?

  • Barack Obama’s Medium success will inspire aspiring writers for generations.
  • Rejection made me write about Natalie Portman dating a swan.
  • What do you call a German comedian? — Unlikely.
  • Slackjaw will need to come up with a pretty good diss track to come back at me with. I destroyed you on the mic, yo.

So…I shall now submit this sweet and sensual article to you…Slackjaw.

I know we both said some things we didn’t mean, but there’s a real connection here and we can make this work if we both try.

I’m desperate for approval, and I’d rather not pay you guys in sexual favours — but I will if I have to.

All the best,

Lots of love,

The kindest of regards,

Regards of kindness,

Kind regardness,

Adam Robinson — Head of Rejection at Slackjaw Ltd.

  • Update — They rejected it. I’m currently crying into Ben & Jerry’s ice cream as I watch my Gossip Girl boxsets.
Humor
Slackjaw
Satire
Funny
Approval
Recommended from ReadMedium
avatarTami Bulmash
Standing Tall in the Era of iPosture

How technology is reshaping our bodies and what we can do about it

6 min read
avatarKyrie Gray
I, Schrödinger’s Cat, Am Alive and Well in This Box

You take a little time off for mental health and suddenly everyone thinks you’re dead

3 min read
avatarKarolina Kozmana
Common side effects of not drinking

By rejecting alcohol, you reject something very human, an extra limb that we have collectively grown to deal with reality and with each…

10 min read
avatarEllen "Jelly" McRae
I Self-Published My Book. Two Days Later, I’m Full Of Regret.

Here’s everything I wish I’d done differently in the publishing and book-writing process.

12 min read
avatarRachel A Fefer
Life Lessons I Learned From a Green Beret

Men like him got wise, or they didn’t get old…

5 min read
avatarDeanna Bugalski
The New Parenting Movement: Reality Rearing

Unconventional wisdom from the trenches of parenthood

8 min read