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Abstract

me means you can be at one with yourself.</p><p id="1352">Especially in the way you dress:</p><ul><li><b>You can wear a tuxedo.</b></li><li><b>You can be a nude little so and so.</b></li><li><b>You can put your bollocks on the table (keep away from hot coffee).</b></li><li><b>Cover your nipples in maple syrup and get them out in a Zoom meeting.</b></li><li><b>Wear a revealing Captain America costume then ask your work colleagues in a Teams meeting if that lump on your left bum cheek looks normal.</b></li></ul><p id="783f">People will judge you by whatever you’re wearing.</p><p id="ff87">Like that time I was wearing a fancy new top and that lady said I was a really rude man — to be fair I had just run over her dog, but still?!</p><p id="8064">You could at least say something nice about the top.</p><h1 id="7d25">The Curse of Home Working</h1><figure id="f994"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*FUpMxbsDf1g_wGbr12Y2iQ.jpeg"><figcaption><b>Teddy Swear</b> — Photo: <a href="https://unsplash.com/ja/@theshuttervision?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Jonathan Cooper</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/swearing?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="6070">If you want to get through your workload at home, you’re going to have to accept that you’re gonna swear…a lot!</p><p id="ea49">Without the constraints of pretending to be normal around your boss and work colleagues, you can swear and curse loads — like Gordon Ramsay to any chef that has ever lived.</p><p id="9a0b">But don’t just use the normal swears and phrases — they get boring real quick.</p><p id="1172">Please see the approved<b><i>“Working From Home”</i></b> list of swear words and phrases below.</p><p id="e031">PS. I’ve added censors to the swear words to avoid any tears:</p><ul><li><b>“You fck nugget of a spreadsheet!”</b></li><li><b>“I’m going to murder my shittng boss and no one will ever find his body!”</b></li><li><b>“Slap me on the arse and call me Wendy, this client is a Fuking peni head.”</b></li><li><b>“Where in the name of holy fuck are my mother fucking AirPds?!”</b></li><li><b>“Why is Colin showing off his nipples covered in Maple syrup in the middle of the bloody Zoom meeting?! The Twat .”</b></li></ul><p id="a506">That reminds me!</p><p id="61c7">Colin, I’m gonna need that syrup back buddy. You’ve been hogging it in the meetings for too long now!</p><h1 id="7c37">Job’s a Good Un’</h1><figure id="d731"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*M9CXMcukQZ6kWRT4t3pMQg.jpeg"><figcaption><b>“I should’ve just written on the board so you could all see what I wrote…” </b>— Photo: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@jasongoodman_youxventures?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Jason Goodman</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/job?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="1e41">When you start working from home it’s important to check that your job actually allows you to work from home.</p><p id="b259">For some jobs, you may think you can just kick back and log on whenever you like, but not all employers will allow this.</p><p id="e73a">Luckily I’ve made a list of jobs below so you can see if your occupation qualifies or not:</

Options

p><ul><li><b>Lollipop Man/Lady —CAN Work From Home</b></li><li><b>Stripper — CAN work from home</b></li><li><b>Aggressive Cashier — CAN’T work from home</b></li><li><b>Lactose intolerant Burger King employee — CAN work from home</b></li><li><b>Azealia Banks’ Instagram administrator — CAN’T work from home</b></li></ul><p id="8952">There we go, check if you have those jobs and see if you can work from home or not.</p><p id="2d45">If not — sucks to be you. Especially for the person running Azealia’s Instagram. She be crazy.</p><h1 id="e72d">Logging Off</h1><figure id="d354"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*w-DCc5s1iTzQJl01YYA0sg.jpeg"><figcaption><b>“Okay boss, I’m logging off now because this job is bullshit” </b>— Photo: <a href="https://unsplash.com/es/@linkedinsalesnavigator?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">LinkedIn Sales Solutions</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/working-from-home?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="1966">Did you blink?</p><p id="4266">Yeah sorry, you missed it. That was my guide to working from home.</p><p id="f23d">Was it everything you hoped and dreamt it would be?</p><p id="13c3">Did you think it would be shit?</p><p id="31bd">If so — you’re welcome.</p><p id="ef59">But what can we take away from this home-working bonanza?</p><ul><li><b>If you work from home, you can lick your coffee from a bowl without being judged.</b></li><li><b>Maple syrup is great on pancakes…and on your nipples during Zoom meetings.</b></li><li><b>Call your spreadsheet a fuck nugget so that you feel better about your life choices.</b></li><li><b>If you’re lactose intolerant Burger King wants to hear from you!</b></li></ul><p id="e449">Feeling ready to work from home now?</p><p id="980e">No?</p><p id="f809">Well, you’d better get ready to begin work as an aggressive cashier who also runs Azealia Banks’ Instagram account.</p><p id="48fb">Thanks for reading guys!</p><p id="61bc">Now turn on that laptop and get back to staring blankly at that bullshit spreadsheet…</p><div id="746b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/spin-offs-that-never-made-it-to-air-faaf8e192d9"> <div> <div> <h2>Spin-Offs That Never Made It To Air</h2> <div><h3>“Hey, let’s make more of that show…but make it shittier!”</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*HpkZ5vMvA1m1B6435edLqQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="1f73" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/open-letter-to-the-guy-stood-right-next-to-me-at-the-urinal-faac8ff96fc0"> <div> <div> <h2>Open Letter To The Guy Stood Right Next To Me At The Urinal</h2> <div><h3>All I want is a happy wee. That’s all I want for myself.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*GtHdwu1oqgaoy9cQ46ojtA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Home Humor

The Beginner’s Guide To Working From Home

Zoom meetings are better with no pants on…

**Me emailing my boss to say this job is bullshit** — Photo: Christin Hume on Unsplash

Since someone ate a bat in China, employers are now letting people work from the comfort of their homes.

This is a fairly new way of working for a lot of us. It has a lot of advantages. For one, I can now wear my pajamas when working — which was previously frowned upon by my boss when I was working in the office.

So working on site is pretty much the same as working at home?

Wrong! — You ignorant f*ckers!

It’s completely different!

Mainly because your nob of a boss isn’t there making you do work — unless you:

Live with them.
Are married to them.
They’ve taken you hostage.

So what is needed to work successfully from home?

I am so, so, glad you asked.

Here are my top tips for working from the comfort of your shag pad.

Caffeine = Cocaine

**Lovely picture of some mayo in a coffee** — Photo: Fahmi Fakhrudin on Unsplash

To be able to work from home, you have to be in a state of ecstasy.

You can’t be getting distracted by your Gossip Girl box set or your Tinder match wanting a quickie. You’ve gotta get up and get that laptop switched on, girl!

In order to get that tunnel vision for work, you need to consume enough tea, coffee, crack, speed, and other lovely substances that will keep you powering through those tedious spreadsheets.

I’ve listed a few different ways you can consume your stimulants so that it’s more fun:

Inject caffeine into your ear lobes.
Lick your coffee out of a bowl.
Shout out “Britain forever, bitches!!!” after every 5th sip of tea.
Angrily swear at the postman as you drink your espresso.
Empty a tea bag and snort the contents off your laptop keyboard.

Feeling ready to work?

I know I am!

Dress To Impress

**“Yes!! Quentin Tarantino has gotten back to me about my feet pics”** — Photo: Job Crusher

Working from home means you can be at one with yourself.

Especially in the way you dress:

You can wear a tuxedo.
You can be a nude little so and so.
You can put your bollocks on the table (keep away from hot coffee).
Cover your nipples in maple syrup and get them out in a Zoom meeting.
Wear a revealing Captain America costume then ask your work colleagues in a Teams meeting if that lump on your left bum cheek looks normal.

People will judge you by whatever you’re wearing.

Like that time I was wearing a fancy new top and that lady said I was a really rude man — to be fair I had just run over her dog, but still?!

You could at least say something nice about the top.

The Curse of Home Working

**Teddy Swear** — Photo: Jonathan Cooper on Unsplash

If you want to get through your workload at home, you’re going to have to accept that you’re gonna swear…a lot!

Without the constraints of pretending to be normal around your boss and work colleagues, you can swear and curse loads — like Gordon Ramsay to any chef that has ever lived.

But don’t just use the normal swears and phrases — they get boring real quick.

Please see the approved“Working From Home” list of swear words and phrases below.

PS. I’ve added censors to the swear words to avoid any tears:

“You f*ck nugget of a spreadsheet!”
“I’m going to murder my shitt*ng boss and no one will ever find his body!”
“Slap me on the arse and call me Wendy, this client is a Fu*king peni* head.”
“Where in the name of holy fuck are my mother fucking AirP*ds?!”
“Why is Colin showing off his nipples covered in Maple syrup in the middle of the bloody Zoom meeting?! The Twat* .”

That reminds me!

Colin, I’m gonna need that syrup back buddy. You’ve been hogging it in the meetings for too long now!

Job’s a Good Un’

**“I should’ve just written on the board so you could all see what I wrote…”** — Photo: Jason Goodman on Unsplash

When you start working from home it’s important to check that your job actually allows you to work from home.

For some jobs, you may think you can just kick back and log on whenever you like, but not all employers will allow this.

Luckily I’ve made a list of jobs below so you can see if your occupation qualifies or not:

Lollipop Man/Lady —CAN Work From Home
Stripper — CAN work from home
Aggressive Cashier — CAN’T work from home
Lactose intolerant Burger King employee — CAN work from home
Azealia Banks’ Instagram administrator — CAN’T work from home

There we go, check if you have those jobs and see if you can work from home or not.

If not — sucks to be you. Especially for the person running Azealia’s Instagram. She be crazy.

Logging Off

Did you blink?

Yeah sorry, you missed it. That was my guide to working from home.

Was it everything you hoped and dreamt it would be?

Did you think it would be shit?

If so — you’re welcome.

But what can we take away from this home-working bonanza?

If you work from home, you can lick your coffee from a bowl without being judged.
Maple syrup is great on pancakes…and on your nipples during Zoom meetings.
Call your spreadsheet a fuck nugget so that you feel better about your life choices.
If you’re lactose intolerant Burger King wants to hear from you!

Feeling ready to work from home now?

No?

Well, you’d better get ready to begin work as an aggressive cashier who also runs Azealia Banks’ Instagram account.

Thanks for reading guys!

Now turn on that laptop and get back to staring blankly at that bullshit spreadsheet…