TV Humor

Spin-Offs That Never Made It To Air

“Hey, let’s make more of that show…but make it shittier!”

We’ve all got that one show that we can’t stop binging.

You sit down with your snacks, tell your family you’re sick to death of them all, and get watching!

But what happens when it ends?

You’ve watched five seasons in a row and you’re crying into your empty chocolate wrappers because of the empty void in your life.

Don’t you worry! If you need another fix… that’s where spin-offs come in!

With the success of Better Call Saul this got me thinking. What other spin-offs can be made before Disney gets their hands on them?

I’ll be honest, most spin-offs never make it to air because they’re all sh*te.

So are all spin-offs awful?

Let’s have a look at some shows that have recently been turned down by streaming services and see what you make of them.

Harry Potter and the Magical Retirement Home

In this straight-to-Netflix series, Harry has been taken into a care home at the age of 94 as Ginny and the kids are sick of him.

He’s forgotten he’s a wizard and thinks Ginny is talking absolute b*llocks. He is also very rude to shop assistants when buying weekly potions and he had a big argument with Margaret when he lost at bingo last week.

But there’s a twist in the tale! Lord Voldemort is moved into the same retirement home.

There are laughs, tears, and lots of badly performed spells because no one can remember how to do them.

Genre: Sit-com

Rating: 10.2 out of 85

Reviews:

• “It’ll make your brain hurt” — The Daily Prophet
• “Why is this a thing?” — Albus Dumbledore
• “The Death Eaters made us release it” — Netflix

The Pilate Kid

The Pilate Kid follows a young boy’s dream to alleviate his lower back pain.

Cackie Jan is teased constantly at school about his poor posture and flexibility. He wishes one day to take revenge on the bully who ruins his life, Conor M Gregor.

Cackie sees there is a Pilates tournament happening and is determined to train and beat Conor. He wants to prove that he can be the most conditioned kid in town.

He seeks the help of local Pilates tutor, Luce Bree.

Luce teaches Cackie to improve his balance by using the Force and by not going to the dark side (even though they have cookies).

Genre: Karate/Pilates/Romance

Rating: 5 stars out of 3

Reviews:

• “A Pilates movie to watch with your whole family (including that weird uncle you have)” — Pilates Today Magazine
• “I missed my Pilates class to watch this movie and now I’ve forgotten how to do Pilates” — Random pilates dude
• “I fell asleep in the movie theatre and got locked inside the building all night. But yeah I would go see this again” — Mr. Miyagi

Pirates of the Caribbean in a Science Museum

A tale about the Pirates of the Caribbean but they accidentally sail into a science museum and get stranded there.

Hooked?

Captain Hooked?

Good!

This 4 hour long movie will have you rooting for Johnny Depp and the gang as they battle confusing science riddles in order to find the exit and get back to the Caribbean.

Their every move is being followed by Captain Amber Heard Redbeard and her crew of highly paid lawyers.

Who will prevail?

Who will get the scientific treasure?

Who will watch this crap?

Important questions indeed.

Genre: Pirates/Soap Opera/Harrowing Drama

Rating: Really good but kinda average but also really shit.

Reviews:

• “I thought I knew everything about science…until this movie came out!!” — Stephen Hawking’s Ghost
• “I don’t get why there’s a museum in the middle of the Caribbean Sea” — Excited pirate movie fan
• “Amber Heard and Johnny Depp should both be banned! They’re both evil and I am a vegetarian and I find this very offensive. Did I mention I was vegetarian? Because I am. I’m vegetarian” — A Vegan Lady

Bad Back Mountain

The story revolves around two cowboys who have been asked to go up a mountain by an ancient wizard and herd some ducks.

After a night of heavy drinking, the two cowboys end up taking each other up the mountain (not like that) on their horses and play a raucous game of strip Tiddlywinks.

Unfortunately in the process, the two cowboys injure their backs because the hill is quite steep. Not too steep, just quite steep.

When the ancient wizard realises the men have been gone for two weeks and he hasn’t seen a single duck, he seeks immediate revenge!

They also stole his Tiddlywinks mat.

Genre: Western/Eastern/Northern/Southern/Sci-Fi

Rating: If a sheep is good, and a goat is bad, then this was a turtle.

Reviews:

• “I wish a cowboy on a mountain would tiddle my winks” — Kristine Laco
• “This is why they shouldn’t make mountains so steep” — Random Chiropractor
• “Finally, a story about wizards and ducks that isn’t rammed down our throats! Brilliant storyline! Quack! — Family of wizarding ducks

The End…until we make another one

There we have it folks. Some juicy spin-offs that somehow never made it to air.

Let’s have a recap on what we’ve learnt from these ambitious shows:

• Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort still won’t get on in their old age.
• Pilates is a great way to become the most conditioned kid in town.
• Pirates and science are the best combo since old people and not wearing your mask correctly.
• Bad backs are caused by steep (ish) mountains and only the Pilate Kid can save you.

Inspiring stuff?

Would you watch any of these shows?

Maybe Netflix will have a rethink and get them commissioned.

Thanks for reading guys.

I’m just off to audition for the part of the duck in the Bad Back Mountain movie. Wish me luck!

Quack!