Humor

Things I Don’t Like About Being Gay, or We’re Not All Flight Attendants, Mary

It’s mostly about being fabulous and having a big dick

Don’t take that headline the wrong way. I’m not saying I want to be straight. Been there, done that.

Well, kinda.

Being gay can be a pain in the ass. At least for half of us.

It’s kind of like when I was first engaged to my ex-wife, who is Jewish. Especially to her parent’s friends, after being introduced, behind my back, they would ask if I was Jewish. Then, embarrassingly, her parents would have to say, “no, he’s a goy.” But they came to like me anyway.

I wrote a story similar to this last year, and you can find it here. As time marches on, I have thought of a few more things about being gay that bug me. I strive to be accepted by all.

I think I’ll start with the penis, which is where most guys start anyway.

The Penis

I don’t spend any time on straight dating or hookup sites, so I wouldn’t know. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say I doubt many of them require a man to reveal the size of his manhood.

I mean, I guess it depends on how sleazy a site you’re on. There are women out there who crave big cock, and probably aren’t afraid to express it. But on actual dating sites, such as match.com, listing the size of your penis is not a profile question a man has to answer.

Back in the day, I read stories in magazines like Men’s Health about what women want in the size of a penis. For the most part, they’d say that an average size is the best, that a large one has the potential for pain. And from what I’ve gathered, girth is more important than length.

Several studies have shown that 40–70% of men wish their penis were longer. My penis serves me well, but I probably fall into that group. With others? Well, I’ve seen a lot of dick in my time, and honestly, most are average, and there’s not a damn thing wrong with that. In every study I’ve read, the average size of a dick is 5.1 to 6.4 inches long. The longer the reported size, the more likely the study was based on self-reported measurements. Are we really that hung up on size?

Introductions

Now that I’ve gotten the penis out of the way, I can talk about some other stuff that bugs me.

When I first meet people, I do not go out of my way to say I’m gay, whether by the clothes I wear or the intonations of my voice. First and foremost, I am Arthur. Just Art. Get to know me, and you’ll find out.

I’m going out on many limbs here, but I’m going to say that most people do not know I’m gay when we’ve met, based on the feedback I’ve gotten. They may not even realize it after some time has passed. So I don’t tell them. If it comes up in context, that’s another thing. Like I love the question, “why aren’t you married?” Or “do you have a girlfriend?” I think that’s just them prying. It will come out in due course if it matters (which it usually doesn’t).

Most people think I’m straight when and if I open up to them. I met one of my best girlfriends at a company meeting. She was from another city, so we didn’t see each other that much, but she was always very flirtatious when we did. It rocked her world when she found out I was gay. But we’re still best friends despite our differences.

I don’t want my first impression by someone to be that I’m gay. But if I’m in a gay bar, that’s probably enough.

My (Former) Profession

Almost universally, whenever I tell people that I worked in the airline business, their response is, “oh, were you a flight attendant?”

First, only 21% of U.S.-based flight attendants are male. While I’d venture to guess that the majority of them are gay, I’ve come across plenty of straight male flight attendants as well.

Why don’t they ask me if I’m a pilot? I only get that when men come into my house. More on that below.

But here’s the deal: it takes more than pilots and flight attendants to run an airline. Who tells these people where they’re going? Who plans sales and marketing activities? Who checks them in at the airport? Yeah, people. Lots of straight people, but plenty of gays too. I know the life of a corporate salesperson does not sound as glamorous as a flight attendant’s, but that’s the way it is. Deal.

Interior Design and Housing

It seems like there are two extremes in the gay world. Your home either looks like it came right out of “A Single Man” or Sketchy Sex.

Interior design seems to be one of those professions gay men are drawn to. But the talent for such is not necessarily inherent. Can I tell you how I felt when my most recent ex said, “I’m gonna take away your gay card,” after seeing my apartment for the first time? He liked homes that looked like they were from the pages of House Beautiful. He did not appreciate the things I collected and displayed in my apartment. At least it was clean. God!

My home now is pretty spartan. It is much less cluttered than before. It is tastefully furnished, with nothing over the top. There is lovely, appropriate, and colorful artwork on the walls. But on one side of the living room, well, there it is. My collection of model airplanes. It had to go somewhere. So now, when people walk in, they ask, “oh, are you a pilot?” Again, my refrain: it takes a lot of people to run an airline!

Much of the good porn is shot in million-dollar mansions. These are probably not their homes, but it does leave an impression that all gay guys are rich. How many profiles have you seen that ask if you’re “gen?”

Except those in “Sketchy Sex.” It’s fun to watch, but I wouldn’t want to live in it. Maybe that’s why I prefer to host.

Fashion

I have a pretty good sense of fashion. Let’s put it this way: I know how to put myself together. I get that from my Mom, who puts herself together to retrieve her mail. I dress appropriately for the situation. I have everything from conservative to festive party wear but nothing overtly gay. No rainbows. No T-shirts that say things like, “Say Hey if You’re Gay,” or “I’m a Top.” I probably wouldn’t dress in anything that was considered gender-neutral. I do not like lingerie. But I do like leather. (Is that too gay?)

Dancing

“Somebody, call me right now before I have to start!”

The expectation is that we all love to dance and that we’re all really good at it. I might be able to participate in the ending of a Bollywood movie as long as I am lost in the crowd.

I hate disappointing you, but you don’t want to see me dance. I’m a terrible dancer. When someone asks me to dance, I freeze. I usually just admit that I’m not a good dancer and change the subject. My dancing may remind you of some presidents that have attempted such behavior.

Dance like nobody's watching? Right!

Our Bodies

I think every man would like to have the kind of body that you see above. Plenty of gay guys everywhere have that sculpted look, and it comes from hours and hours of attention on themselves, not to speak of the diet they have to maintain.

There is plenty of body shaming in the gay world. Fortunately, not every guy likes fit and lean. Young and old, some men prefer daddies and “bears” or guys that have a bit more meat on them. Some bears prefer twinks. I think there is someone for everyone, but finding him is another matter. But will you see him in your city? Even though I live in the largest city in a 250-mile radius, does that mean he’s here? What if my soul mate is one of those guys that troll me from 5,000 miles away on “Scruff?”

Conversations

A friend of mine texted me today and asked why I didn’t text back immediately (which is annoying in itself). I said it was because I was deep in thought, to which he replied, “about dick?”

It’s not all about dick!

Last night, I had a rendezvous with a man much younger than me who knew how to converse. He knew stuff! And it was stuff that I write about. He even knew what the Colorado River Compact was! (I write a lot about climate change in the Southwest.)

When straight men get together, do they mainly talk about pussy? I want to know!

Conclusion

Maybe it’s how we’ve been portrayed in the media that straight people almost expect us to be flamboyant and fabulous. Some Americans might think we’re all like Jack in “Will and Grace” or Nathan Lane in “The Birdcage.” Ignorance will always exist, but it’s tiresome to tolerate.

Within the gay culture, there are all kinds of stereotypes. Many heterosexuals choose what they want us to be based on their limited scope. They see some of us in drag and automatically think we all like to dress that way. And people in positions of power, such as Greg Abbott, Ron De Santis, and even members of the Supreme Court, would rather vanquish us all.

Gays will be gays, and it’s because of our forefathers that we can all be who we want to be today. Actually, it’s more fun being like “Pat,” the androgynous character on “Saturday Night Live” from years ago. “Is he, or isn’t he?” But I think there will always be that other element that just wants to get rid of us.

So there may be a few things that I’m tired of, living in this big, gay world. But I’m happy to be able to be who I am. Just a straight-acting white boy who is self-conscious about his penis, dresses well but is a hideous dancer, and likes to talk about more than just dick, although that has its place. So if they can’t accept me, well fuck them!

Some more gay stuff by Arthur Keith:

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