Bedroom Talk
Things Donald Trump Said To Himself Before Going To Bed Last Night
The demented mind of Benedicte Donald never sleeps
- “Ahh, another productive, destructive, 3-hour day.”
- “Maybe I’ll just catch a few more minutes of me on every channel.”
- “Dammit, where did I put my hairnet?”
- “I have to stop with the late night cheesecake — getting as big as Christie.”
- “Who can sleep with all these exciting ideas I have about my upcoming dictatorship?!”
- “Jesus Christ, is that Rudy calling me again for money? It’s fucking late!”
- “So glad Melania sleeps in the other room — farts in bed like a French bulldog.”
- “Let’s see, $25 million payoff from the Saudis, $14 million under the table from Putin, $7 million bribe from China to keep my mouth shut about that Taiwan thing, that’s 6, carry the 1…”
- “I’m so far ahead of that dickweed DeSantis, he’ll be begging me for an ambassadorship to Gilligan’s Island by the time I get through with him.”
- “If I made Mar-A-Lago its own country, no one could fucking convict me but me. Cha-ching — calling my secession lawyer tomorrow.”
- “Ivanka’s only three doors down — come on, Don, get over there, she’s so hot!”
- “Gotta remember to tell Xi how much I loved Hop Sing on ‘Bonanza’ growing up.”
- “What did the chef put in my tacos? I’m belching like a Mexican street vendor.”
- “Taylor Swift as my running mate? If she’d do it, my god, the crowds…”
- “Screw you, New York—rejecting a famous homie like me. It’ll be nuke kabooms over the entire city when I become president again.”
- “Maybe it’s time to tell Eric he’s my lovechild with Valerie Bertinelli?”
- “Am I overusing the word ‘sad?’ Nah.”
- “Heavenly Father, please rain hell down on Forbes Magazine, Jack Smith, CNN, the FBI, Fani Willis, General Mark Milley, The New York Times, all judges, and everyone else who isn’t nice to me.”
- “Who would name their kid ‘Vivek?’ What the fuck?”
- “Gotta ask Putin what poison he uses on his political enemies.”
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