Global Jests
80 Nations Roll Out Newer, Truer Tourist Slogans
Countries from Algeria to Zimbabwe are replacing their grandiose tourism taglines with more candid catchphrases

With research showing that honest advertising is more effective at attracting tourists than over-promise, many countries are revamping their national tourism campaigns with newer, truer slogans — expected to launch in time for the 2023 holiday travel season. Here’s a peek:
Algeria: We speak fancy French, but rob you in basic Arabic.
Argentina: Get a free Che Guevara t-shirt or wall poster.
Armenia: Visit, and we promise not to ramble on about the Turkish genocide.
Australia: Still mostly descended from criminals, but we’re all really drunk, so we won’t bother you.
Austria: Wiener Schnitzel — see, you’re already smiling.
Bahamas: Just like being in Britain, without the cold, the rain, and the white colonial oppressors.
Bangladesh: Our children are no longer starving, so you don’t have to finish your peas anymore.
Belize: Spend your honeymoon with our Howler Monkeys, for a night you’ll never forget.
Bolivia: Come for our tasty guinea pig, stay till the diarrhea passes.
Brazil: Home of the world-famous Zika mosquito.
Bulgaria: Could you get back to us? We’re still trying to come up with something interesting to say about Bulgaria.
Cambodia: Join us for the ultimate adrenaline rush — our “Dig For Landmines” tour.
Canada: Proud to be the world’s last sane democracy.
China: Come learn Mandarin, soon to be your national language.
Colombia: Not nearly the number of cartel killings as Mexico.
Cuba: The cigars, the cars, the communists!
Denmark: Hydrate your skin in a dewy paradise where it either rains or snows every other day.
Dominican Republic: The poor man’s St. Barts.
Egypt: We’re telling you right now, the Sphinx is smaller than it looks in the cartoons and IT DOESN’T WALK, so stop asking.
Ethiopia: Still wiping with our left hand, then using it to prepare your dinners. Bon appétit!
Finland: Close enough to Russia that we keep the lights on at night.
France: About to go far right, so get here soon.
Georgia: We’re the country, not the state.
Germany: Not a single, toothbrush mustache in sight.
Greece: We’re so screwed up, who knows if we’ll even exist as a country by the time you get here.
Grenada: Welcoming your rejected medical students since 1985.
Haiti: Hey, thanks for even considering us!
Iceland: We sound so much colder than we are.
India: More than a giant call center.
Bali, Indonesia: Julia Roberts ate, prayed, and loved here.
Iran: Call us Persia, because we’re trying to rebrand after the sanctions.
Iraq: Bask in our ample supply of running water and sufficient electricity for at least two hours a day.
Ireland: Guinness. Need we say more?
Italy: We talk with our hands, but pinch your ass with our index finger and thumb.
Jamaica: Get your ganja from me, mon, fulljoy.
Japan: Marvel at our human subway sardine cans.
Kazakhstan: Our wine is not made from fermented horse urine, no matter what Borat says.
Kenya: Book your safari today—we’ll do our best to find the country’s remaining four lions, three rhinos, and five elephants.
Liechtenstein: It sounds Jewish, but it’s not Jewish.
Luxembourg: If you can find us on a map, your first night is free!
Macedonia: Don’t come for the nuts, that’s macadamia, we don’t grow those here.
Madagascar: An actual country, not just a computer-animated children’s movie.
Mexico: Complimentary bottle of Modelo with every visit to our bordellos.
Monaco: We keep the riff-raff out.
Mongolia: More National Geographic specials than any other country in the world.
Morocco: No longer kidnapping your wives for the sex trade.
Nepal: Climb Everest, the tallest mountain peak in the world—just step over the frozen corpses buried in the ice fields.
Netherlands: We know this is a little confusing, but we’re also Holland.
New Zealand: Not fucking our sheep anymore, so you probably won’t get syphilis.
Nicaragua: World capital of sexual assault, armed robbery, and violent revolutions. What could go wrong?
Norway: 5.1 million smart, bilingual blondes, all living in one place.
Panama: Don’t come for the canal, come for our cocaine.
Poland: Still Europe’s funniest punchline, hahaha.
Portugal: Last country to outlaw the slave trade, and proud of it.
Qatar: Another one of those oil rich nations, but smaller.
Rwanda: We’re killing our gorillas at a clip of five a day, so hurry up.
Samoa: Lots of giant fat guys, some of whom make it to the NFL.
Saudi Arabia: Not really your friend, but we’ll pretend to be.
Scotland: Lads and lassies going “kilt commando” since 1297.
Serbia: Just add an “ic” to your last name and we’ll treat you like a local.
Seychelles: Like “seashells” with a funny accent.
Sierra Leone: Find a blood diamond and it’s yours to keep!
Singapore: A city-state so progressive, we recently stopped cane-lashing tourists who chewed bubblegum in public.
Slovenia: Birthplace of Melania, but don’t hold that against us.
South Africa: Get that apartheid feeling again.
South Korea: Here’s a sightseeing map, now go away and stop bothering us, we’re making electronics shit.
Sweden: Think Norway, with a few more brunettes.
Switzerland: Whatever the problem is, we’re staying out of it.
Syria: Just like playing your favorite video game, but with real bullets!
Tanzania: Look out! Elephant poachers! Just kidding.
Thailand: The thrill of bodysurfing on giant tsunamis.
Tibet: Tourists welcome. Now please follow your 24-hour, Chinese military escort to our many wonderful sites.
Trinidad and Tobago: Almost nothing to do here, so we had to combine two countries.
Turkey: Used to be nice, now just another place with frequent travel advisories.
Ukraine: Hi, any experience assembling drones?
United Kingdom: Home to the British Royals, and other obsolete Victorian relics.
United States of America: Thanks for a nice run. Goodbye!
Venezuela: We’re bankrupt, so you can haggle for everything.
Vietnam: Leading the world in illegal organ transplant tourism.
Zimbabwe: The last tourist who escaped couldn’t say enough good things about us.
****
If you liked this one, click here or here for two of my most popular past posts.
Or find more of my writing at allanishac.com.
Thanks for reading.







