Summary

The article discusses the experience of having a stye, offering humorous advice on how to respond to questions about the condition, and debunking home remedy myths.

Abstract

The author of the article humorously addresses the experience of having a stye, an unsightly and uncomfortable eye condition. The piece, titled "Sty(l)e-ish," explains what a stye is and its non-contagious nature, emphasizing that it heals within a week. The author expresses frustration with unsolicited advice and home remedies suggested by others, asserting that time is the only cure. To cope with the social awkwardness of the condition, the author provides a list of witty responses to questions about the stye. The article concludes with a humorous tone, advising readers to avoid showing their face to children or going on dates until the stye heals, and suggests reading other humorous articles by the same author.

Opinions

The author finds the condition of having a stye to be a source of embarrassment and unwanted attention.
The author is critical of the home remedies suggested by others, considering them to be nonsense.
The article conveys a humorous and somewhat sarcastic tone, using hyperbole to describe the social impact of having a stye.
The author seems to be self-conscious about their appearance due to the stye, joking about being more approachable to "ugos."
There is a sense of impatience expressed about the duration of the stye's healing process, despite its relatively short timeframe.
The author uses the experience to showcase their wit and creativity in responding to inquiries about their eye condition.

Sty(l)e-ish

There’s Only One Eye in Sexi

What to say when you have a stye

**Image created by the author. I mean, image totally taken from the cover of In Stye Magazine.**

Don’t look at me. I’m hideous.

I have a stye in my eye.

What’s a stye you ask?

A stye is an inflamed swelling on the edge of the eyelid, caused by a bacterial infection of the gland at the base of the eyelash. It’s a pus-filled, pimple-like entity that turns your face into a conversation piece.

In a cruel twist of fate, the word stye rhymes with the word eye. I could be telling people I have a unicorn freckle in my eye, but no! I have to say stye in the eye seven-thousand times a day like some deranged Dr. Suess creation.

Styes heal in under seven days, and unless we’re sharing a pillowcase, they aren’t contagious. That’s the good news. The bad news is that for a full week I have been cursed with a face that makes me more approachable to ugos.

I’m not like you! I’m usually a beautiful man! Get out of here with your preposterous home remedies you wretched four.

Every imaginable snake oil has been recommended to me by dozens of dimwits, the sort of simpletons who couldn’t even give me directions to the nearest medical school.

· Put some corn starch on it. · Soak a cloth in breast milk and ring it out into your eye at least three times a day. · Pray to Jesus. · Maybe stop smoking crack with strangers?

All of it nonsense. The only cure is time.

**If she’s anything like me, she wishes that finger was a gun.** (Image via verywellhealth.com)

In the interim, you’re going to need to develop a series of witty rejoinders for all those pesky, cliched queries.

What happened to your eye?

“You should see the other grandma.”

“I’ll be fine. There’s only one eye in sexi.”

“You think this is gross? You should see my asshole.”

“Good thing I don’t need my depth perception around you.”

“I went swimming by a waste disposal pipe next to a sewage plant and all I got was this eye infection.”

“Don’t worry it’s not contagious. But my smile is! (And my herpes)”

My best advice? Take a deep breath. Relax. Don’t show your face to small children or ask anyone out on a date, and we’ll see you back in the Sexy Citizen Society in seven days.

Enjoyed yourself? Then read this, Stupid:

Move Over Donald: There’s a New Liar in the House

A List of George Santos’s Lies

medium.com

For funnier material, please see Shirley Laffa:

I Backed Right Into This One!

I Swear!

medium.com