Pickup Lines
I Backed Right Into This One!
I Swear!
I suck at parking.
I implement the “drive through” method to avoid backing up whenever possible. This also applies to gas bars. Yesterday, like always, I was about to pull straight through to a spot that would conveniently allow me to drive straight out. You can imagine my disgusted dismay when I suddenly got cut off. If you can believe it!?!
Some schmo in a pickup had the NERVE to do that fancy one-handed wheel maneuvering technique, coming out of nowhere, turning his truck 180 degrees ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ style, backing into the VERY spot I was driving in to. Show off! But more importantly, not realizing my ingenious strategy, he floored it in reverse while I was heading into MY spot simultaneously!
I frantically started honking and swearing. A lot. How dare he!!! F*ck, f*ck, sh*t-head, A-hole, f*ck, prick f*ck. Followed by a plethora of more f*cks.
Unless I wanted to be charged with rear-ending HIM, even though it was the other way round, I needed to quickly concede. Bastard! I had no choice but to resort to the dreadful backing up technique (or in my case, lack thereof). Putting the car in reverse to me, is like searching for a towel with stinging shampoo blurring my eyesight, having to settle for the stinky ripped t-shirt I grab instead. How many times need I remind John to throw his dirty laundry in the hamper?
All this was happening, in slow-mo, but not really. I couldn’t help but envision an oil gush as I’d accidentally hit the gas pump in my desperately crooked operation. We’d all get slimed with the error of my ways. And that jerk would be punished for his selfishness! Yeah!!!
Somehow I miraculously managed to drive the necessary six feet back without killing anyone. Not even when I stepped out of the car, having to fight the urge to throttle Mr. Foil-My-Perfect-Plan IDIOT.
As we both started pumping gas, I sneered at him diabolically while my paranoid brain started contemplating the aftermath. I bet I’ll also get stuck behind the inconsiderate nincompoop and have to back up AGAIN to exit. Just as these thoughts raced through my mind, I noticed a woman at the next pump staring at me with her mouth agape.
And then I realized my window was rolled all the way down, whilst yours truly with the silvery tinged hair, had turned the air blue in the “privacy” of my car, mere seconds ago.
Thank you for reading my story.
Thank you to brilliant https://medium.com/doctor-funny editor Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) who freely confesses that he just made a few simple word edits.
Here’s a couple of the funniest stories I’ve read on Medium:
and Grimsby Hackney
For more please check out my book: https://amzn.to/3s01fDv
