There Is No “the One” but There Is Always “Another One”
Note: This article was written together by me and another Illumination writer Nazmun Naher Shishir. You can find her on Instagram here.
“From the moment I first saw you/ Knew my heart could not be free/ Have to hold you in my arms now/ There can never be another for me”
If you believe that the last line of the above lyrics from the 1999 Spanish Singles Chart topper Rhythm Divine by Enrique Iglesias is true, you are in big trouble.
Because it means you believe in the idea of the one, which refers to a person regarded as one’s destined life partner.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Of course, we all want to love and to be loved. Deep down inside, we want someone we can live the rest of our life with. We want them to be in our happily ever after story.
Like Celine (played by Julie Delpy) in the 1995 romantic drama Before Sunrise said, “Is not everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?”
But the idea of the one is inherently problematic, and is extremely damaging to our love life.
If you believe you have only one best match who is out there somewhere in the world and you both can share your life together forever, you are living in a state of perfect delusion.
The origin of the one
First, where does the idea of the one come from?
Monotheism, the belief in one God, may have extensively influenced the birth of the concept of the one in the domain of love.
Media and pop culture come second. As you were growing up, you have very likely been heavily influenced by romantic films that depict ideas like the one and happily ever after.
These films reinforce the belief that there will be a day when you will find the one, and that will mark the beginning of a story of eternal happiness for both of you.
The biggest problem you will face after finding the one
We said earlier that the idea of the one is completely delusional.
But for the sake of argument, let us believe that the one does exist. Now, the problem is this: the statistical probability that you will find them is incredibly low.
There are over seven billion people on earth. Of them, who is the one for you? Also, how likely is it that you will finally meet them?
Now, let us again, for the sake of argument, believe that you have found the one.
Congratulations!
You have finally found the person you think you can share your greatest joys and biggest sorrows with. You want to hold their hands and grow old together, creating a set of wonderful memories you both can reminisce in your senior years.
But now you have the biggest problem in your life, and it is something that is rarely discussed.
That one day you can fall out of love with the one in the same way you once fell in love with them.
And the opposite can also happen. One day, they can also fall out of love with you in the same way they once fell in love with you.
The concept of falling out of love is so damn real, but the majority people think it is not. They do not consider it even a remote possibility.
They do not want to believe that if love is born between two people, it can die, too.
And love, indeed, dies. No matter how passionate and intense it is, it has an expiry date.
This leads to the following timeless love lesson:
The concept of the one is delusional, but that of falling out of love is not.
If you are still in doubt, give the following possibilities a serious thought:
1. What if you find each other to be strangers after several years of meetings, greetings and love? (This can happen and has happened to many people in the world. People who are like you.)
2. You guys planned to grow together in life but what if one of you has grown so much that you have eventually outgrown each other over time? (This can happen and has happened to many people in the world. People who are like you.)
3. What if you (or the other person) discover one day that you no longer love them, even though they once were the one for you? (This can happen and has happened to many people in the world. People who are like you.)
4. What if you fall in love with someone else? What if they fall in love with someone else? (This can happen and has happened to many people in the world. People who are like you.)
If the questions just drove you crazy, here is the final one:
What if they turn out to be an abuser after several years of dating or marriage? (This can happen and has happened to many people in the world. People who are like you.)
If that happens, would you still love them and think that they are the one for you?
In other words, when you wholeheartedly believe in the idea of one perfect partner and fanaticise about happily ever after with them, you disregard the real dangers of either of you falling out of love.
But once that happens and the reality hits hard, you will realise what a perfect delusion the idea of the one was.
The bubble you had been living in will finally burst.
You will feel completely hollow inside.
Life will suddenly start looking less meaningful or completely meaningless.
The rose-tinted glasses you had been wearing will disappear.
Your little world will tumble.
Is there any solution?
Yes.
First, to remain on the safe side, at least a little, you must come to terms with the fact that you, or the one for that matter, may fall out of love one day.
May be, you would unknowingly tell them one day, “I like you but just do not love you anymore.”
Having such thoughts does not mean you are a sceptic. Because even if you were sure about the one initially, you may find out later that they are not the right person for you in the long run.
In that case, you will naturally fall out of love.
Secondly, remember that change is the only constant in life.
People change. They do evolve. In the process of evolving, one may outgrow the other in what was once a made-for-each-other partnership.
Now, it will of course be difficult to accept that you two have outgrown each other after investing many years into the relationship.
But when you do outgrow your partner and still do not leave them, you will naturally feel like you are giving only half of yourself in the relationship while the other half is missing.
What will make things worse at that point is that you will feel lost even if you want to give yourself completely. Giving yourself the courage to part ways will be the only way to have a better life then.
But if you do not leave, you would regret even more down the road. In the long run, such half-hearted relationships do not work.
Third, remember that the world is infinite and there is always more to discover in terms of romantic relationships.
This is the ultimate solution.
You need to stop believing the last line of the lyrics mentioned in the very beginning of this article.
Instead, flip the script. Start believing that there will always be another for you.
Growing up, the mantra we never learn is that “having your heart broken is a tremendous way to learn about the world” — as was justifiably said by Dorothea (played by Annette Bening) in the 2016 comedy drama “20th Century women”.
You have to sail your romantic ship again if you fall out of love with the one (or vice versa).
