The Worst Ways Parents Project Onto Their Children

Don’t let the shadows of your parents’ guilt hold you back.

There are a lot of tactics used by toxic and abusive parents. We are well-versed in the usual suspects. We know when our parents are yelling at us, when they are gaslighting us, or manipulating us. Projection is a tactic that often goes unobserved, however. Parents subtly undermine their children by casting them in roles they aren’t prepared to explore.

It’s one of the most damaging things our parents can do to us. They talk us into believing things about ourselves as children that simply aren’t true, that can’t be true. And all of it’s done for one sinister reason…to protect them from their own harsh realities and the truth of the choices our parents have made.

The sorcery of projection.

Projection is like witchcraft. It’s a curse of sorts — a spell — that’s placed over children. It follows them like a shadow right into adulthood. Every judgement and critique their parent laid over them haunts them across the decades. These misattributions can become the core of who they believe themselves to be.

What is projection? In the simplest terms, it’s when someone accuses someone else of doing something they themselves are doing. Example: A cheating partner accuses their spouse of cheating on them before they get caught. It’s all about getting away from accountability.

Why would a parent project anything but an ideal future on their children? Why would they curse them with the beliefs that they aren’t good enough, or that they aren’t lovable enough? Toxic parents project onto their children for the same reasons that toxic partners, bosses, and friends engage in this destructive tactic. Running from their own insecurities, fears, and failures, they cast them onto their children instead.

The worst ways parents project on their children.

Projection is a defense mechanism that does a lot of damage in the hands of unaware people. Parents can especially do a lot of damage by projecting onto their children, convincing them they are piles of waste before they even consider who they really are.

There’s no denying that some projections are more damaging than others. Especially when those projections convince those children that they are unintelligent, unimpressive, or otherwise unworthy of love because of their looks, their abilities, or their place in the world.

“You’re ashamed of me.”

One of the most common forms of projection, the “you’re ashamed of me” accusation, is a favorite of covert narcissistic parents. If the child shows anything less than pure enthusiasm or interest, the parent’s insecurities are triggered. Rather than facing them, an emotionally immature parent or caretaker make accuse the child of being ashamed. In reality, they’re feeling ashamed of themselves.

“You’re so stupid.”

Stupidity is a projection frequently leveled in the abusive home. Children who don’t stack up, or kids who get in the way, are often called stupid by parents who lash out. Again, scratch the surface and you usually find an insecure parent behind these sorts of statements. Fearful or insecure about their own intelligence, they point those fears at their children and put them in a lower hierarchy out of a desire not to be “exposed”.

“You’re so fat…so ugly.”

When we’re kids, we rarely think of our parents as being concerned about their appearances. All the same, moms and dads alike have all the same concerns and insecurities about the way they look. This can get triggered on a deeper level if a parent becomes competitive with their child. If they become insecure about their own looks or what they’ve been told about their looks, they may lash out and punish their children instead.

“You never do anything right.”

Parents are supposed to build their children up and help them discover their inner self-confidence. Toxic parents can’t do this, though, as they themselves don’t have that self-confidence. Many have done little they feel good about, so they look with suspicious eyes at their children. If they feel their child is exceeding them in life, some toxic parents will project onto their children and accuse them of getting everything wrong.

“You think you’re better than me.”

Some kids grow up an absolute force. They thrive at school; they excel at sports or in academia. They have a lot of friends and create a lot of opportunities for themselves. The insecure parent, the emotionally immature parent, can’t stand that. They are always in competition with that child, so many choose to tear them down. How? Projection. They accuse the thriving child of being stuck up, snobby, or pretentious to shoot them down.

“You’re just like them…”

Never underestimate how slippery projections can be. Sometimes, they look like comparisons. All the same, the projection is there. Look at the parent who tells you that you are “just like” someone they hate. They make the comparison to tear you down, to make you feel bad. But why are they really making such a nasty comparison? Because they don’t want you to see how bad they feel about themselves. They see something in you they never capitalized on for themselves.

How to combat the projections in adulthood.

Did your parents blanket you in projections as a child? Did their sorcery do its damage? Did you grow up thinking you were unworthy? Unlovable? Unintelligent? Less than everyone around you? Those projections don’t have to define you forever. They don’t have to be the baggage dragging you down.

You can decide to become whoever you want to become, at any point in your life. This can be the moment that you turn everything around and become someone intelligent, accomplished, deserving, worthy, lovable, and fulfilled.

Ready to break the spell cast over you in childhood? Stand up for your authentic self each day by:

• Connect with your inner child
• Elevate your social circles
• Commit to self-appreciation

Start by nurturing that inner sense of self that was denied by your toxic parent. Scoop up that child and remind them they were always smart and deserving. Treat them to a new sense of optimism and freedom. Give them the peace your emotionally ill parent denied them.

Then elevate the people you surround yourself with. No more projections. No more people who reflect the failure of your parents. Instead, choose people who lift you up. Surround yourself with friends and chosen family who see the best in you, even if you can’t see it yourself.

Commit to a life filled with self-appreciation. You don’t need to improve yourself every day. You simply need to love yourself every day. You need to appreciate in that self-love every single day. Give yourself over to that life to overcome the damaging projections of your toxic parents.

A better future won’t happen by accident. You’re going to have to choose it every single day. Just know that this choosing looks different every day. Some days, you will have to love yourself. Some days you will have to cry, or sleep, or spend time in the arms of someone you love.

Healing isn’t linear. And it shouldn’t be. Fall into the journey of a better life a step at time and give yourself the freedom to go with the flow. Find your sweet spot in the ebb and the flow of a better life defined entirely by you.

E.B. Johnson is a top writer, coach, and podcaster who specializes in narcissistic family abuse and recovery. With over two-decades of abuse recovery experience, she’s made it her mission to help others free themselves from the shadows of narcissistic abuse.

© E.B. Johnson 2022