Bed, Bath, & Beyond
The World’s Dirtiest Man is Dead
Long live the world’s dirtiest man!
The World’s Dirtiest Man has died.
Don’t worry, Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) is alive and well. As it turns out, there’s been an even filthier individual living in faraway Iran this whole time.
I didn’t even know people kept track of the world’s dirtiest man. How do you measure such a thing? Do you just lick your finger and run it across his forehead and then see how bad he tastes? Do you count the dung beetles nesting in his hair?
Apparently, it’s all about showers. Amou Haji, a resident of the Iranian province of Fars, went more than sixty years without using soap and water. Haji actually believed that cleanliness made people sick. He often ate roadkill and smoked a pipe full of excrement, just to make sure nobody accidentally mistook him for a respectable human being.
Now I fill these articles with hyperbole, but I just want everybody to know that every word of that last paragraph was true.
AND HE LIVED UNTIL NINETY-FOUR!!!!!!!!!
Are you kidding me? Ninety-four? My grandmother took a shower every single day of her life and she conked out at the tender age of eighty-nine. This guy was smoking a pooh pipe and he was born before they invented nylon.
A few months ago, the townsfolk got together and gave Haji a bath, his first bath since the Cuban Missile Crisis. After that, Haji’s health steadily declined. It just goes to show you:
Guns don’t kill people. Baths kill people.
The title of world’s dirtiest man now passes to Kailash Singh, an Indian man who lives next to the notoriously filthy Ganges River. Instead of bathing, Kailash smokes a joint and then stands on one leg in front of a bonfire to cleanse his body. He claims these ‘fire baths’ work just as well as a traditional ‘water bath’. Besides, what the fire doesn’t get, the giant swarm of Sewage Flies that stocks Kailash through town is sure to take care of.
In order to honor Haji’s accomplishments, plans are in the works to rename Fars, his home province, to Farts. A fitting memorial for a real stinky old fool.
Incidentally, nobody keeps track of the world’s dirtiest woman, as every single woman on earth is equally disgusting.
Enjoyed yourself? Read this Stupid:
Then there’s this from Adam Robinson:
