Halloween Humor
3 Spooky Halloween Stories To Make You Poop Your Pants!
Boo! I’m your energy bill!! Mwuhahaha!
It’s sexy pumpkin season on Medium!
What’s scarier than pumpkins, ghosts, ghouls, and people writing about how much they’ve earned on Medium?
Some haunted tales that will make you lose control of your bowels. Like an elderly lady who’s getting too excited at a neighbourhood watch committee meeting.
You’ll be more terrified than Scooby Doo trying one of Shaggy’s “special brownies.”
Let us have a read of some spookily scary stories about scary stuff that will scare you.
That is scary.
Scary Story 1 — The Gossip Ghost
A ghost and an elderly lady called Margaret are sat having afternoon tea.
Margaret: …and then I heard from Karen at bridge club that Mavis from chess club is shagging Kenneth who lives three doors down.
Ghost: Ooooooo
Margaret: Oh and get this! You know Samantha from our walking group? She says she’s vegan, but Sonia saw her eating a kebab after a night out last Thursday.
Ghost: Ooooooooo
Margaret: Did I mention that I’m also getting boob enhancement surgery?
Ghost: Oooooooooooooo
Margaret: I also, accidentally sat on Mrs. Dorris’ pumpkin last night when I was drunk.
Ghost: Oooooooooooooooooo
Margaret: In my spare time I also love to go dogging dressed as a flamboyant cow called Greg.
Ghost: Bro…overshare.
Scary Story 2 — Kristine Laco and the Haunted Bongos
It was a coldish Canadian winter’s day in June. Kristine Laco had just bought her first bongo to try and impress that boy from Cuba in her editing class.
Kristine: Hi boy from Cuba that I like.
Dennis: Hi Kristine, I’m Dennis.
Kristine: God, that’s the most Cuban name I’ve ever heard! Please may I seduce you with my bongos?
Dennis: You can’t undress here! We’re in editing class!
Kristine: No, I meant my other bongos!
Dennis: Oh! Okay then.
Kristine starts to play her bongos, but as she does, she accidentally jinxes Dennis and turns him into a possessed zombie with her rhythmic bongo jingles.
Kristine: Oh no Dennis! Please don’t be possessed! I wanted to edit your articles under the moonlight tonight!!!
Dennis: (He foams at the mouth and spasms from the evil sounds of Laco’s bongos) I think we should see other people! Grrrrr (I don’t know what sound a zombie makes).
A depressed Kristine calls 911 for Dennis and starts to perform “Candle in the Wind” by Elton John on her Bongos.
Scary Story Number 3 — A Nightmare on Ginger Cook Street
Three Trick-or-Treaters called Jimmy, Timmy, and Shimmy Shimmy Yah, are walking along Ginger Cook street.
Jimmy: Hey guys, shall we try this door? Number 69?
Timmy: Why are there posters of Pearl Jam wearing grey sweatpants in the window?
Shimmy Shimmy Yah rings the doorbell.
Ginger Cook opens the door.
Ginger: Who goes there?! Is it Pearl Jam?!! Eddie! Is that you?!
Jimmy, Timmy & Shimmy Shimmy Ya: Trick or Treat!!!
Ginger: I think I’ve got three apples inside with your names on them! Come on in!
Timmy: A f*cking apple?!
Ginger leads them all into the kitchen.
Ginger: Only joking mwuhahahah there aren’t any apples! I’m going to eat you all alive with a lovely side salad which I made earlier!
Shimmy Shimmy Yah: Oh no.
Timmy: That is not what I wanted today.
Jimmy: Where’s the toilet? I want to pee before dinner.
Ginger: Okay, but be quick Jimmy.
Jimmy goes for a wee but falls down the toilet and dies.
Ginger: God Jimmy is taking for ages! I’m going to read some hilarious articles by Adam Robinson in the meantime. God, he is so wonderful and sexy and well-mannered.
Shimmy Shimmy Yah: Why, dear Ginger, please tell us, have you always been a cannibal?
Ginger: Nah, in my youth I wanted to be a traveling piano seller.
Timmy: Cool.
Suddenly a bear breaks down the door and eats them all.
The End.
Fearful Takeaways
I hope you all enjoyed those spooky spectacles!
I was very scared! My therapist says that Kristine and Ginger are in different countries so it’s unlikely they’ll kill me in my sleep so that’s a positive sign.
But what have we learned?
- Ghosts love a good gossip about dogging and boob enhancement surgery.
- Don’t let the power of the Laco bongos possess you into foaming at the mouth.
- Toilets and Bears are really dangerous. So are Ginger Cook’s side salads.
What a journey! I’m going to go hide behind a sofa now because of how scary those stories were!
I pooped my pants and I’m not even wearing any.
Happy Halloween!
No bongos were harmed in the making of this article.
