Summary

A man humorously recounts his experience of being self-conscious about the size of his ear canals after a comment from his girlfriend and the subsequent ear infection that followed.

Abstract

The author, who considers himself an average guy, shares a humorous anecdote about the unexpected attention drawn to his small ear canals by his girlfriend. After suffering from an ear infection that left him partially deaf, his girlfriend, donning a nurse's outfit, examined his ears and remarked on the small size of his ear canals. This leads to a comedic exploration of his insecurities and a defense of having smaller ear canals, challenging the notion that bigger is always better. The article is laced with humor and self-deprecation, as the author imagines the drawbacks of having larger ear canals and encourages readers to embrace their own ear canal sizes.

Opinions

The author believes that the size of one's ear canals should not be a source of shame, advocating for body positivity in an unconventional context.
He humorously suggests that smaller ear canals might be preferable to larger ones, poking fun at the idea that larger body parts are inherently more desirable.
The author uses hyperbole and comedic scenarios, such as being banned from a ball pit for misinterpreting a child's laughter, to emphasize the inconveniences of his ear infection and the subsequent teasing about his ear canal size.
He lightly mocks the societal obsession with size and the pressure to meet certain physical standards, even when it comes to less commonly discussed body parts like ear canals.
The article concludes with a call to action, inviting readers to share their own ear canal sizes and preferences, fostering a sense of community and openness about a typically private aspect of one's body.

EAR ME OUT

“That’s the Smallest One I’ve Ever Seen . . .”

My Inferior Body Part

I always start my measuring tape at 50. (Deon Black in Unsplash)

I’m a relatively normal fella: sturdy head on my shoulders, child-bearing hips, not entirely terrible looking. Just a solid 5 making my way in the world.

Then I meet a lady, and I really like her. Sturdy head on her shoulders, child-bearing tits, and even more not entirely terrible looking than me.

We make love, I meet her parents, we watch Jeffrey Dahmer dismember people together over a friendly debate about which moment each of us would start screaming if we were in Jeffrey’s apartment in real life.

Everything is all puns and roses.

Until one day, she makes a little comment.

I want to be clear: my penis is a perfectly average 5.8 inches — 6.1 if it’s Christmas, or the first day of spring.

In this case, my partner was referring to my ear canal.

If you don’t like ear canal talk, better stop reading now, because we are diving straight right into my head holes ladies and gentlemen.

What a show-off. (Franco Antiono Giovanella on Unsplash)

I’ve always been prone to ear infections. Recently, I had a real rager in both ears that made it almost impossible for me to hear a word my girlfriend said. Even if we were lying in the same bed.

At first, I was delighted. But it turns out there are bad aspects to not being able to hear.

My dog has a hard time getting my attention. Every single phone call I receive is now just some bastard pranking me by not saying a word after I pick up.

The other day I saw a child throw his head back with his mouth wide open and I assumed he was choking. Turns out I just couldn’t hear the boy’s joyous laughter. I was halfway through the Heimlich maneuver before I realized my mistake and I was ordered to leave the ball pit immediately. The worst part is we were playing tag and I was it. You can’t stop the game when you’re it. Now I’ll be it forever!!!

Back to my ear canals. After three days of partial hearing, my girlfriend bought a device that looks into ears. Then she laid me down on the couch, put on a nurse’s outfit, and took a good long look at all the grossness my body is capable of.

I was expecting a ‘Yuck!’ Instead I got this:

“Oh my god! That’s the smallest one I’ve ever seen . . .”

It’s hard to look this word up and feel better about yourself. (Photo: Author)

First of all: how many ear holes have you seen, you whore?

Second of all: Yes, I have small ear canals. There. I said it. The world knows.

There is no shame in a teeny-weeny resonance track.

It’s not the size that matters. It’s how you use it.

Personally, I can’t even imagine having to walk around with giant ear crevices. I mean, all that attention? All those people staring at your ears while you’re trying to talk to them? No thank you!

I’ve heard most ladies actually prefer nanoscopic sound funnels to those big, clumsy ones. I mean a big passage is all exciting at first, but after a while it’s got to be cumbersome.

Apparently, this guy comes too much. (Mike Haupt on Unsplash)

What we need is for people with baby hearing organs to step up and say:

“My name is Oscar Rhea, and my holes are three millimeters in diameter, and like’em just fine, thank you very much!”

Please leave a comment down below with the size of your ear canal and your auditory corridor preferences.

Sincerely,

A relatively normal fella.

#EarMeOut!

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