IT’S REALLY LIT
Famous Literary Openings as Olde Timey Newspaper Advertisements
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Instant Riches In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve used to bet on and win thousands of horse races at every racetrack in No. America. I am now quite wealthy and have agreed to share these well-guarded secrets with a select few. Send 50c (coins only, no stamps) in a plain envelope to: Fitzy. Box 14. Cloverdale, 9 NY.
A Bed Is No Place For Bugs Have you been transformed in your bed into a gentleman or lady covered with gigantic insects? Are your bedclothes befouled by stains of an indeterminate and frightening nature? Do you find yourself asking “what is happening to me?” Then it is certainly due time to contact the bug experts employed by Samsan Extermination Services Ltd. We are the exterminators of your dreams. Knock sharply and ask for Mme Grete. No salesman will call.
Clock Striking 13? Clocks should only strike 12 at the most. We know this because our family has been in the timepiece repair business for 38 years: Father, Big Brother, Little Brother. Our family has always been in the timepiece repair business! Always! Father on clocks. Big Brother on watches. Just the two of us. Visit Oceania Timepieces at 1984 Blair House. Climb the stairs (Sorry! lift out of order), Room 101 on the far right. BREAKING IS FIXING. We’ll expect you soon.
Nervous? Dreadfully Nervous? These symptoms mark an individual with a dire need for Dr. Edgar’s Brain Tonic. Sharpens the senses. Balances the mood. Re-invigorates the heart beat. Promotes an acuity of the hearing. Perceive noises heard by no man! Ask your druggist. He knows all! In 1 dram and 5 dram sizes. The vulture eye on the bottle is your assurance of quality and purity. Accept no substitutes!
Depressed? Why Not Go To Sea? You don’t know me, but you may call me Ishmael. I was once, perhaps, just like you — depressed, lonely, no money in my purse, and always pausing before coffin warehouses. But today, yowza, my circulation is regulated and my spleen is driven off. These are just some of the benefits of sailing about and seeing the watery part of the world. So… Be Like Me — Go To Sea. Truly thou will have a whale of a time. Limb retention not guaranteed.
Best Of Thymes. Worst Of Thymes. Ladies, good and bad, you have tried them all. Ours, with no fear of contradiction, is the very finest of thymes that money can buy. Favored by the most celebrated chefs of Paris and Lisbon, two cities renowned for uncompromising gastronomic pulchritude. Try it in your next stew or prized mutton recipe. You will surely win the praise of your husband, and enkindle the envy of the other ladies of the neighborhood. Just 4c the ounce at your local grocer. Ask for it by name.
For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn Brand new shoes! Limited supply acquired! Why let your precious little ones suffer the indignities of being shod with previously used baby shoes acquired by rootling through offscourings? Why risk disease or footsores? The parents of today demand, for their babes, ONLY fresh unworn shoes constructed from the finest premium leathers. Guaranteed free of diphtheria, cowpox and dropsy or your money back! See also our ad for baby formula.
