The Way We Love Needs to Change — Here’s Why
Re-learning how to healthily love yourself and others
We all believe that love is innate. But love, aside from being a feeling, is also a craft we often take for granted. What if I told you that you need to re-learn how to love — first yourself and then others?
Would you believe if I told you that love is more about boundaries and less about giving yourself completely and unconditionally? Rather tricky, right?
Love is an activity that requires training, discipline, and feedback. Many times we encounter significant obstacles when it comes to relating to others. Over and over again, we enter into vicious cycles and toxic patterns that never end well.
You might ask: “why does this keep happening?” Well, there are many factors: attachment styles, cultural differences, and expectations. The way we experience love is shaped by external factors that come into play later in life.
Why is it that I happen to be the only one of my friends having trouble settling down? Well, I’ll give you the answer. It took me years to understand that I didn’t know how to love. And you probably still don’t know how to love either.
As a society, we aren’t encouraged to love others. Instead, we are encouraged to care for ourselves. That individuality shapes the way we approach intimate relationships.
Bigger, better, faster, stronger. We need to change the way we love each other.
Love is fluid. Some even say it’s liquid:
Yes, as adults, we made decisions believing they are “reasonable,” “logical,” “unquestionable.” But looking at those decisions more closely, you’ll be able to discover that they might not be as healthy as you thought.
Sometimes the roots of those patterns stem from deep into your childhood, and you are reproducing scenarios and ways your parents loved you as a baby.
- Had a distant father figure?
- How many brothers and sisters do you have?
- How were you raised?
- Did your parents get a nasty divorce?
All those experiences become engraved into your mind, giving you a “roadmap” to find a similar love, a love that feels familiar, even “comfortable” like the ones we had during our early years.
That learning process could give you the tools to have healthy relationships, achieve personal growth, and lots of emotional stability. But for most of us, some preconceived ideas and beliefs distort how we approach relationships.
That’s why, as with any other activity, re-learning how to love is crucial for successful adulthood.
Obviously, for some, that takes more effort than others, and the best part is: it’s never too late. These five tough lessons are the starting point to rediscover the meaning of relationships and love.
Don’t wait, or hope, that someone else is going to rescue you:
Please, stop waiting for your knight in shining armor. That woman you have sex with is not your mommy.
Usually, we can understand how our romantic partners don’t have an obligation to cover all our expenses. We also know that nobody is putting up with our every whim or stay with us no matter what, regardless of the whole “‘till death do us part” thing.
We all pretty much have those down:
But what about micro-depending on our significant others to save us from ourselves? Due to self-esteem problems, jealousy, or codependency, we can be enforcing doubts in our relationships every day.
Don’t get me wrong! Relationships are about allowing yourself to show and share your vulnerable side with another person.
I’m all for that in both romance and friendships alike… but! Should they take on the burden of rescuing us from ourselves?
- Is it ok for a person to expect someone else to feed their ego for them at all times?
- Is it positive for my partner to help you navigate your insecurities over and over again?
You have the responsibility of learning how to love yourself. Insecurities and jealousy are, without a doubt, very difficult to deal with. It requires more than an occasional compliment and a kiss on the forehead.
As I mentioned before, it is essential to understand that sometimes, a person loves you, but you don’t know how to love yourself.
Stop asking: “Do you find me pretty? Would you leave me for someone younger? Do I look like I gained weight?”
Instead, say: “I deserve to be loved. I’m good enough. Perfection is a myth, but I’m improving every day.”
Work on your insecurities with actions. Don’t expect others to take the torch on solving problems that, most of the time, exist only in your mind.
You can’t force someone to love you:
I can’t stress this enough you’re not supposed to be attractive to everyone; you don’t find everyone attractive. And even though the right thing to do is to work hard for what we love, we should accept when it’s time to move on.
There are two sides to this coin:
- Communication, compatibility, and sexual chemistry are essential for a relationship to flourish.
- You both have expectations, and nobody’s perfect.
So, how the heck can we keep on loving imperfect people! How to put an end to this madness? Well, this one’s tough: Learn how to respect boundaries and others’ personal processes.
We are white canvases when we come to this world. From that moment on, we start absorbing information, trauma and developing personality traits along the way.
Nobody’s perfect:
Undoubtedly, your partner isn’t perfect, but you aren’t either. How freeing it is to liberate ourselves from the excessive pressure of being right all the time!
How wonderful it is to see your loved one growing beside you, not because of your nagging, but because they have decided to work on themselves.
Paraphrasing Polish sociologist and philosopher Zygmunt Baughman: we live in a society where everything that lasts overwhelms us rapidly. Many times we don’t even bother to delve into a relationship to avoid the hassle.
For a relationship to last, you both need to work for it with patience. Nevertheless, if you start seeing red flags you can’t ignore, don’t hesitate and get the hell out!
The thing is that typically you share your life with someone, make plans, and tingle erogenous zones like rabbits during the first months. Why is it that a year after, you want to change everything about that person?
Trying to change someone is the best way to discover the true meaning of stubbornness. It only encourages resentment and guilt. Write this down “no one changes for someone else.”
We change aspects of our personality when we find something uncomfortable or damaging. Before we need to understand that that trait is there to start with, that process can take years.
If you don’t feel love, if you don’t feel safe or appreciated, hit the road, baby! But! If you feel loved, appreciated, and safe, put everything on a scale before slamming the door on someone.
Like you, that person is perfectly imperfect.
Boundaries are also an expression of love:
For a relationship to work, there must be boundaries, firm and non-negotiable. We cannot have everything we want. We are trapped in a constant state of desire. We live under pressure to achieve something more, something better.
When we fall in love, our brain produces hormones like cortisol, dopamine, and oxytocin, generating contradictory sensations. We are attracted but also nervous. We want to be loved, but without risking suffering.
Once we commit, we tend to think that we can always get better and feel that rush again. In a way, it’s like believing that the second ice cream will taste as good as the first, or even better, and it’s not like that.
Economically speaking, satisfaction is related to the absence or lack of a good or service. When we come from hiking, we are very thirsty, and the first glass of water is tremendously satisfying. But, If we continue drinking water, the feeling of satisfaction decreases.
Relationships, like cars, should undergo regular services to make sure they are still roadworthy. Zygmunt Bauman
Something similar happens with love. Our brains go numb after being bombarded with hormones and “I love you’s.” Then, we no longer react the same way, and living with that person becomes “normal.”
The problem is that the same thing will happen to anyone. Yes, even with Henry Cavill. Thinking that “the best is yet to come” is the best way to live unsatisfied.
“Once we commit, we tend to think that we can always get better, that we can feel that rush again. In a way, it’s like believing that the second ice cream will taste as good as the first, or even better, and it’s not like that.”
Focusing on the future, for better or worse, doesn’t allow us to appreciate the present. Therefore, we cannot understand whether we are happy in the here and now.
It would help if you had some boundaries too:
When I talk about boundaries, I include how we all also need to set limits for ourselves.
As I started having “serious relationships,” I realize I didn’t know how to appreciate the small things — the little details, my partner’s individuality, boundaries, and goals.
I was so focused on my idea of love that I didn’t have the skills to see love was happening all around me. Love was there, answering my claims using one of its many languages.
Most of the time, I wasn’t familiar with those forms of love. Love was occurring in those daily chores that we’ve imposed on our loved ones as a burden to make us feel safe, contained.
I was being loved when he tried to set boundaries, so our coexistence project had a chance to thrive. He loved me every time he said yes, but he also loved me every time he said no.
Value what you’re receiving instead of focusing on what you’re missing. Practice gratitude, and your whole perspective about love, relationships, and life will change.
“He loved me every time he said yes, but he was also loving me every time he said no.”
Ending things is always an option, and it goes both ways:
Divorces and breakups are always a backup plan that may someday be necessary… But it can also bite you in the ass. You might be the one making your partner think about ending things.
Either of you can change their expectations and projects. That’s why living together for forty years is less common than signing a prenup.
Why is that? Well, among several other reasons, one factor is that we all need to learn how to own our shortcomings.
We also need to learn how to love a person for who they are. Yet, that can slowly change throughout the years, meaning you’re no longer right for each other. Does that make either of you monsters? No, not really.
However, timing is everything; save your spouse years of cheating and lying. Take the high road and accept that you don’t feel committed anymore.
Speak up! Make up your mind!
That might give you both a chance to make things clear, and the relationship could have a second chance.
You’re never getting what you’re looking for; you might be getting something better. Love is not a transaction, nor are we products.
Finding real love is hard. Re-learning how to love is even harder, but it’s totally worth the effort.
