The Surprising Reason Why Women Dont like Nice Guys

Women only want jerks and men only want sex.

“Women only like assholes, they don’t want a nice guy like me!” — Nice guy who isn’t actually that nice

You hear it left, right, and center.

Self-proclaimed nice guys complaining about how women are only into assholes who treat them badly. The nice guy is quick to provide proof for his claim in the form of a story of some random dude who behaves like a prick but scores like hell.

They reinforce that narrative by talking about the countless occasions where they “were really nice, took her out on dates, paid for dinner, but still didn’t get her.”

Instead, she went to the club the next night and first hopped in a taxi and then onto the lap of a stranger whom she met an hour ago. The insensitive jerk driven by his physical needs gets more action than the nice, polite, and sweet guy who’s been working his butt off to make the little princess feel good.

What a cruel world this is. Women really ain’t shit, hu?

I’m not gonna lie to you — I’ve been there, and I’ve said that. I’ve struggled with nice guy syndrome and bought into the narrative that women only go for grade A dickheads.

Yet, when you ask women, most of them are looking for a sweet, caring, and sensitive man. Are they all liars? Quite the opposite.

But back to the start.

If You Feel Played, You Are the Problem

I’ll give you the kicker upfront, and then I’ll do some explaining after.

If you’re a nice guy but things never work out, in 99% of the cases the reason isn’t that you’re nice. The reason is you’re inauthentic, expectant, and needy.

You’re not independent of the outcome. You don’t act nice because you want to be a good human being or want to make the world a better place. Your niceness doesn’t come from the heart.

Instead, you act nice because you hope something comes of it. Even worse, you expect something to come of it.

Now, I’ve been in this exact same situation, and I’ve denied it. Me? Expecting something? No, I just do it because I’m a nice guy.

Here’s a quick reality check. When you get rejected despite being nice — do you complain, feel disappointed, get angry, demanding, or even vicious? Thought so.

Why do you feel this way? Because you were nice only because you thought it would lead to sex, romance, or affection. And when it didn’t, you felt played, although you yourself rigged the game.

In your head, you subconsciously paid for something with your niceness, the dinner dates, and the flowers. And when you didn’t get the prize, your ego took a hit.

Genuine Interactions Aren’t Transactional

“Women aren’t vending machines that we put niceness coins into and sex magically falls out.” — Joe Duncan

Here’s something fundamental to know about romantic human interactions. They are not transactional. Women aren’t some kind of machine you can throw a bunch of dates, dinners, and flowers at and then — ding — you’re rewarded with sex. If that works, you’re either dating a vending machine or a gold-digger.

Not only doesn’t it work this way, but it’s also degrading. It’s dehumanizing and objectifying, and the second she notices, she’ll get about as dry as the Atacama Desert.

If you really think women work that way, you’ve been looking at the whole thing wrong, amigo.

Take a step back and flip it on its head. If you met a woman you hit it off with and enjoy spending time with, but once you end up in bed she demanded you to pay for the action, how would you feel?

Used, played on, exploited, unwanted for who you are, like a walking ATM? That’s how women feel when they realize the sweet, lovely guy who was on the way to conquering their heart only acted this way because he wanted to get between her legs.

Female perspectives

A while ago, I stumbled upon two Reddit threads asking women to speak about their experiences with self-proclaimed nice guys.

This is by no means a scientific study but when you scroll through the posts, you can quickly identify a pattern.

The nice guys always assure the female in question they are “just being nice” but soon demand women to fulfill their part of the deal they thought was taking place. When the girl refuses because of what the fuck, Dr. Jekyll turns into Mr. Hyde.

Take notes, guys.

Are Men the Only Ones at Fault?

Just like nice guys repeat their women only want jerks mantra, lots of women are quick to chant men only want sex.

The whole thing comes full circle. Nice guys want to bang thanks to their DNA, and sometimes treat women like vending machines. Women, on the other hand, gladly accept the affection and use it to filter out the guys who they think are serious about them. This leads nice guys to invest more because they hope to “get her”, and the cycle continues until the nice guy finally demands what he thinks himself to be entitled to.

She realizes he wasn’t authentic, and all the built-up tension is released, confirming each in their preconceived opinions. Women only want jerks and men only want sex.

Men aren’t the only ones at fault. Women often have their own kind of expectancy, label themselves as a prize, and demand that a “real man” has to pay for dates and dinners. Some gladly accept the gifts and signs of affection even if they know things won’t work out.

However, there is no point in bashing men or women — or even both. This isn’t a gender blame game or about being a man or a woman. Rather, it’s about being a decent human being.

Expecting something sucks for both parties, regardless if it’s in a romantic or any other relationship. It gives the other person a feeling of being used, exploited, and obligated to do something — and you’ll be disappointed if they don’t.

Why Do Women Fall for Jerks?

You attract what you are, at least to a certain degree. If you’re needy for sex and affection, you’ll attract women who are needy for attention. They thrive on being showered with gifts and dates and have no intention of giving you what you want because that means the attention stops. You two are codependent, which is no bueno.

At the same time, you turn off the women who aren’t — no woman who’s got her shit together wants a needy guy who tries to manipulate and play her for sex.

Have you ever wondered why the “jerks” get all the girls? Because they’re unapologetic, non-needy, confident, and mostly authentic.

Women don’t fall for assholes because they are assholes, but despite.

The “alpha” guy at the nightclub who seems to get all the chicks? Yes, he might be a jerk who only wants to score, but at least he’s being authentic about it. He knows what he wants, communicates it openly, and isn’t afraid of rejection. He sends a clear message: I want to bang, take it or leave it. He’s outcome-independent. And that’s why the girls who are looking for some fun flock to him.

Can you be nice and still score?

Short answer: Hell yeah.

My girlfriend constantly tells me she’s in love with me because of how nice I am, and she appreciates it big time. It turns her on — not only emotionally, but sexually as well. She jumps me almost every chance she gets.

But this is because it is genuine niceness, not fake. When I buy her ice cream or randomly text her, I don’t do it because I hope for some horizontal tango that night. I do it because it’s a genuine expression of my affection towards her. And if she’s not in the mood that night or has a headache, well, then we do something else and I comfort her — without expecting anything for that, either.

Women are smart. They are more emotionally intelligent than most men by far. They thrive in social settings and interactions, and they have powerful bullshit detectors that have been trained by armies of nice guys they had to unmask. They will uncover your real motives sooner or later, so don’t bother pretending.

But what can you do instead?

How to Break the Cycle

The only way to put an end to this vicious cycle is through developing yourself and becoming more authentic. It’s what Pickup Artists call “inner game” and it’s the basis for all your romantic or sexual interactions.

You have to become a better man and a better human being. You have to know who you are, what you want, and communicate it without fear of rejection or dependency on the outcome.

• Look at women as equals You’re a man, she’s a woman, I get it. But both of you are human beings. Neither of you is better or worse than the other — you’re two parts of the same equation. Stop either degrading her or putting her on a pedestal. She’s neither a vending machine nor a goddess. Treat her like you’d treat one of your buddies. Set boundaries when she’s walking all over you but also give her the genuine affection, care, and support you show your friends.
• Become happy and fulfilled by yourself “If only I had a girlfriend, everything would be great…” Bullshit. Get your life in order. Don’t seek your happiness in someone else. Work on yourself, become the person you want to be and live the life you want to live. You can only be non-needy once you become a fulfilled human being by yourself. Your life is the cake, women are the cherry on top. You first bake the cake, then put the cherry on top as a bonus, not the other way around.
• Be authentic and get comfortable with rejection Once you have developed a strong sense of who you are and what you want, live up to it. You will get rejected. It’s part of the game. It’s a filter keeping the people who aren’t in line with your views and personality out of your life. Go out there, be authentic, face rejection, and you will attract the right people.
• Most of all: Stop being a needy, whiny fake Nobody likes fakes. People don’t like being played. Do you have a friend who only calls you when he needs something? How do you feel about them? Exactly. Do something because you want to do it, not because you want something from it. And if you don’t want to, then don’t. This doesn’t only apply to women, but to all the relationships in your life. Be authentic.

These four steps are a lot of work, but boy, are they worth it. If you want to live a life true to yourself and be the one responsible for your own happiness, then this is the way to go.

You’ll become independent, and you’ll attract others who are. You’ll move away from codependent relationships and level up.

You are the only constant to all the things in your life, so everything starts with you.

Be Authentic

There’s nothing wrong with being nice and wishing good for people. In fact, the world would be a better place.

But you can’t fake being nice. It has to be authentic. And although there are tons of women out there who look for a sweet, caring guy, there are also plenty for who it isn’t a top priority.

You can score regardless of if you’re nice or not, but you have to be yourself regardless of the score.

There are two key points I want you to take away from this read.

First, look at women as equals. They aren’t vending machines you can throw niceness coins into and then sex falls out. Despite being different from us men, they are human beings and you should treat them as such.

Second, be authentic. Explore and work on yourself. Find out who you are and what you want. Become independent and self-sufficient. When you are your authentic self, you will attract the women who are a good match for you.

Then you two can create something awesome together, as genuine and authentic equals.

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