Attracting the Right People Means Pissing off Others

Rejection is great — you can’t be liked by everyone anyway.

“Any individual who wants to be a leader has to be controversial. Otherwise they don’t stand for anything.”

— Richard M. Nixon, 37th President of the United States

Yesterday, I saw an old lady walk her dog. Old ladies always have the same kind of dogs. Small, somewhat cute, slightly overweight, and exhausted after half an hour of walkies, peeing on bushes, and yapping at people.

Why is it always the same sight?

The answer is pretty obvious. Elder people are usually somewhat limited in their physical ability, so they can’t run a marathon every day. With a husky out of the question, they resort to small dogs who don’t need to be walked for hours.

Fit people who love to run every day get fit dogs who love to run every day. Hunters get hunting dogs. The police get dogs that can be trained to bring people down or sniff out drugs and explosives. Shepherds get dogs good at keeping sheep.

It makes sense. People pick dogs with characteristics they like or are looking for. Often, it’s a perfect match.

This principle doesn’t only apply to human-dog relationships, but to human-human ones as well.

Humans look for other humans whose qualities and character traits they like and admire.

Birds of a feather flock together. Vegans with vegans. People of the same profession or political orientation. Honest and direct people with other no-fluffs. If you’re open to new experiences, you’ll seek out others who also show that openness.

Generally speaking, you’re either drawn to people because they mirror your own characteristics or show the ones you desire. These are the kinds of people you meet and immediately feel like you’ve got the same vibe and would be a great match, which often turns out to be true.

To live a great life, you have to pay attention to your environment and surroundings. You need to surround yourself with a crew that supports and motivates you, lifts you up, and is in line with your way of living. To put it simply, you need to find people who like the real you and match it well.

The question now is: How can you find these people — and how do you build superior relationships with them?

The Secret Sauce

Ultimately, it comes down to being authentic. Know who you are, what you want, and what you have to give. Express it regardless of how others might react.

This requires you to make yourself vulnerable because you put yourself out there not knowing what happens and will get rejected a lot. It’s a sign of strength and courage.

If you show yourself as who you are, you will attract the people who are a great match for you — like small dogs attract old ladies. If you’re your true self, the people you attract will like you for who you are and not for who you pretend to be.

If this is so straightforward, why can’t you be yourself all the time? Why do you hold back in social settings? Why do you base large parts of your behavior on the potential reactions of your environment? Why do you try to please people and fit in?

These are valid questions, and they can all be answered by a single word: Rejection.

You’re Still a Caveman

See, back in the day of cavemen, rejection and repudiation from your group could mean certain death.

Without your tribe, you were nothing. You would’ve either starved to death because you couldn’t hunt mammoths on your own or get mauled by a sabretooth tiger in your sleep because nobody kept watch.

Sounds scary, right?

This fear of rejection is still hardwired into our DNA. We feel bad when we’re excluded from a group or otherwise rejected and try to fit in. Just look at how you adjust your style of speech and the number of f-words you use dependent on who you talk to.

Rejection is good

“Rejection exists for a good reason — it’s a means to keep people who are not good for each other apart.”

— Mark Manson

When you are authentic, express yourself as you are, and take a clear stance, you will inevitably piss some people off. However, others will like you for the same exact reason.

If you’re upfront and direct, some will appreciate the honesty. Others will hate you for being rude.

If you have super dark and dry humor, some will laugh their asses off. Others will hate you for being inappropriate.

If you tell your friends you want to cut down on drinking and won’t hit the bars tonight, some will admire you for your discipline. Others will call you a sissy and a bore.

If you want to be in a committed relationship instead of sleeping around, some will understand the beauty of it. Others will tell you you’re not a real man and shouldn’t settle until you’re 30.

No matter what your opinions are, if you have one, you will get rejected. The only time when you won’t is when you don’t have your own opinion at all, which is the worst thing you can do. Without an opinion, you don’t have an identity. Or, as the saying goes:

If everyone likes you, you have a serious problem.

Today, rejection isn’t nearly as bad as back in the day. It doesn’t mean you’ll die.

But because the technological, cultural, and social developments that make it possible for you to live on your own are relatively new, this hasn’t manifested in your DNA yet. Subconsciously, it still feels like a death sentence when someone rejects you.

The paradoxical thing is in today’s world, rejection is something good. Don’t be afraid of it. It’s a filter meant to keep anything from your life that doesn’t fit.

Getting rejected by certain people means you aren’t a good match — and that’s cool. You don’t need each other to survive, and the world won’t stop turning when you go your own separate ways.

Get comfortable with rejection. It hurts in the moment but will improve your life in the long run.

Being Authentic Doesn’t Mean Being Insensitive

Now, does that mean you should tell everyone and their dog about your views and who you are? Hey, you! You over there! Do you support abortion? No? Because I do, so we can’t be friends, too bad.

No. Opinions are like a penis. It’s cool to have one, but don’t go around shoving it into other people’s faces unasked.

Be authentic, true to yourself, and live life the way you are.

Your goal is to connect with the people who are compatible with you. Pissing off others is merely a byproduct.

It’s possible to be authentic without being an insensitive prick if you keep a few things in mind.

• Treat opinions as opinions You are neither better nor worse than others for having a certain opinion or way of life. You’ve picked your side because you think it’s the way that works for you, but that doesn’t make you superior. If others choose another route, that’s fine. Feel free to discuss the pros and cons but know that there isn’t one right way to live life.
• Don’t have an ulterior motive Be the way you are because you want to be you. Not because you want to impress Jenny with the big buns or because Steve said this is the way to go. As Kant would say: Don’t treat your behavior as a means to an end. When you act a certain way because you hope for a certain outcome, you’re inauthentic.
• Don’t be insensitive Express your opinion when asked but do so in an appropriate way. Being offended is a choice, and some people aren’t very good at choosing. You don’t have to handle them with kid gloves but be reasonable. It’s not what you say, but how you say it.

Accepting Rejection Means Embracing Freedom

“Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Rejection hurts in the moment. It’s a confrontation, and usually an unpleasant one. Nevertheless, it’s a part of life you can’t escape but should embrace instead.

What’s most beautiful about rejection is the freedom that comes with it. When you let go of your fear, you’ll become empowered to be and act true to yourself, even if it means being rejected by others.

To attract the right people, connect deeply, and create superior relations with them, you have to be authentic. You have to be yourself. You will have to become clear about your values and who you are and live according to them. By doing so, you will inevitably polarize and face rejection.

If you try to please everyone, no one will like the real you, because you don’t have a real you.

If you don’t try to please anyone and be the real you instead, well… Not everyone will like you, but the ones who do will match you like an old lady a small dog.

Being authentic and giving less fucks about what others think of you isn’t always easy but here are some easy and actionable tips:

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