Don’t Try to Be the Perfect Man — Be a Great Human Being Instead

The world has changed — and so has the calling of men.

“What is your vocation? To be a good human being.” — Marcus Aurelius, Emperor of the Roman Empire

A while back, I went on a date with a girl at a chill beach bar around the corner from my apartment. After we walked through a gate in a wooden wall, we picked up two cold drinks to avoid melting in the sweltering late-summer heat. We spent the evening slowly rocking back and forth in hammocks, our feet playing in the sand and our eyes watching the sunset over a nearby river.

When we met up again after a few days, she told me that she was super grateful that I didn’t pay for her drink the first time we met, but instead each paid for our own. It was important for her to not be financially dependent on a man, to pay for her expenses, and to be in charge of her own life.

This isn’t a discussion about who should or shouldn’t pay on dates. Rather, this incident is a symptom of a much bigger overall shift.

Traditional masculine and feminine roles aren’t what they used to be.

The feminine has changed. There is a new generation of women who earn their own money, are independent, and stand up for their own rights.

I wholeheartedly support independence and accomplishment on the female side — every man who is confident in himself should.

But with all the fuss about female empowerment and advancement, it’s easy to forget the other side of the equation.

Because women are claiming values, ideas, and concepts that have been traditionally masculine and society shifts according to that, it leaves us men confused. The traditional image of masculinity and men is crumbling under the pressure and change of modern society.

So, what exactly is masculinity in modern times? What does manhood really mean? And how can you be a “real man”?

The 3 Universal Principles of Men

Society has changed fundamentally from what it was 200, 100, or even 50 years ago. It’s the result of our cultural and intellectual evolution.

We evolved as a species and altogether, we’re headed in the right direction. We’ve moved away from inequality, slavery, suppression, and wars, towards a world in which all humans have the same rights, regardless of gender. There’s a long journey ahead of us and the world is far from perfect, but at least we’ve taken the first few steps.

However, our social evolution reshapes the traditional role models of both men and women. This change results in confusing and sometimes contradictory views of society about what or how a man should be.

• Be in tune with your emotions, show feelings, and have a soft side (else you are emotionally unavailable), but don’t show your hurt and pain (else you are weak).
• As a man, it’s your job to approach a woman (else you are a wimp), but don’t look at her for too long or in the wrong way (else there is going to be another #metoo post).
• Get a great job and provide for your family (else you are a deadbeat), but also make sure you have ample time with your kids and wife (else you are a bad father and husband).
• Become successful (else you are a loser), but don’t attribute it to your hard work instead of your male privilege (else you’re a member of the oppressive patriarchy).
• Be a man (else you’re a pussy), but only when others want you to (else you show toxic masculinity).

Men in the 21st century are confused, and rightly so.

To get some clarity on the role of the modern, authentic man, and where we’re headed, we first have to take a look at our roots.

In his book Manhood in the Making, David D. Gilmore talks about three universal, cross-cultural principles of being a man — the 3Ps.

In his research and studies, he has found these principles to be universal. They are present in almost every culture around the globe and originate in cavemen times.

• Protect. A man has to protect his loved ones and the ones dependent on him. Back in tribal times, this meant defending your tribe from any threats, such as raids by other tribes.
• Provide. Men had to not only protect the tribe but also provide for it. While women and children would indeed gather food, it was mainly the men’s job to go and hunt down big prey.
• Procreate. Ensure the survival of their species by passing on their DNA and creating as much healthy offspring as possible.

From an evolutionary perspective, these made a lot of sense — up until now at least.

If you believe it or not, you live in unprecedented times of prosperity and peace, even if the media and news like to tell you otherwise.

Violence has shown a downward trend for decades, even centuries. Racism, sexism, discrimination, and violence against women are the lowest they have ever been within recorded history. Education and literacy are at a record high. We have more rights than we ever had. There are fewer and smaller wars than ever before. More than 57% of people worldwide have access to the internet. Heck, almost 100% of Americans have a refrigerator and vacuums. Fortunately, in most countries, women are allowed to vote and take the same jobs as men.

We live in peaceful times, women are able to provide for their own, and plans to have children get postponed or canceled altogether, partly due to capturing and time-intensive careers.

In other words: The need for a strong protector and provider is decreasing.

In the past, society has rewarded typical male behavior that was in line with the 3Ps. Today, it suppresses and even punishes traditional male traits such as authority, directness, aggression, independence, and assertiveness.

It’s not an evil plan by feminists who try to throw over the patriarchy or enslave men. It’s just the next step in our social and cultural evolution.

The problem is that this shift in our culture and society’s values leaves man with a vacuum, an internal void, and a missing purpose.

What should we do? Who should we be? What is a modern man today?

Being Masculine Means Being a Good Human Being

“Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.” — John Maxwell

Look, society changes. You can’t escape it. You can resist, but ultimately, the wheel of time will roll on.

The times during which you were the sole breadwinner in your family and in turn tell your wife what to cook for dinner and what to wear when you leave the house are gone.

While earning big, being strong, and dominating others still earns you high status, we men have relied and rested on these traditional values alone for too long.

Along with society, its needs have changed. An increasing abundance of resources, peaceful times, and self-sustaining women mean that the traditional 3Ps of men become less and less relevant for masculinity today.

Instead of just protecting, providing, and procreating, we need to be and do more than that.

You are a man. You shouldn’t abandon your roots and identity but be proud of them. Your 3Ps will always be part of you. They’re in your DNA and a fixed part of who you are. Be assertive, direct, strong, courageous, independent, and a great leader.

But you are more than a simple man. First and foremost, you are a human being.

You need to express yourself and live your life as a human being without losing your identity as a man.

How can you do that? By developing your personality, your values, and your moral virtues. By working on yourself every day to not only be a good man but an authentic and good human being.

You need to learn to get in touch with and make sense of your emotions and the ones of those around you. You need to lead with empathy and compassion instead of brutal force and suppression. You need to find your purpose, give back to the world, and make it a better place.

You need to learn to be authentic with your desires, hopes, dreams, feelings, and thoughts, become the human being you want to be, and live the life you want to live.

Being a man is no longer just about physical strength and raw domination. It’s also about the strength of your character and mind and being a valuable member of society. It means being assertive but compassionate, embracing your emotions instead of suppressing them, contributing instead of taking, and empowering others instead of putting them down. It means to be an authentic and good human being.

If that sounds like a scary and insurmountable task to you, don’t worry. I feel that way too. It’s a huge and difficult challenge, but we men have to take it.

In a certain way, this is a First World Problem — protecting, providing, and procreating aren’t enough anymore. The world is changing and we need to find our place.

At the same time, this is a huge opportunity and chance. We are free to find a purpose for our lives that goes beyond ourselves and our need for survival. If that involves shifting our focus from cavemen principles to becoming an authentic human being, so be it.

Toning down the cavemen part of your male identity doesn’t mean you have to become a pussy and a watered-down version of yourself. It means you have to adapt and be manly in other ways. You can still practice your 3Ps, albeit in a slightly different manner.

• Protection isn’t all about becoming a soldier and protecting your tribe in war anymore. But it’s as simple as escorting someone home at night or standing up for a victim of sexual harassment.
• Providing isn’t about earning the money while your wife stays at home to cook and clean anymore. But it’s as simple as offering help to those in need and giving guidance and emotional support to your loved ones.
• Procreation isn’t about making as much offspring as you can anymore. But it’s as simple as ensuring your kids have a father who makes time for them, shows them the world, and teaches them to become decent human beings.

Be authentic. Be a man. But first and foremost, be a good human being.

Be Brave and Carry On

“It is part of a good man to do great and noble deeds, though he risks everything.”

― Plutarch

I know that you’re afraid and worried. You don’t know what’s about to come or what you should do and deep down, that scares you. Don’t worry, we’re all in the same boat. It’s in our nature to be afraid of the unknown.

The 21st century is a very unique and unprecedented time. Over the last centuries and millenniums, we have shifted from a biological evolution towards a social and cultural one. Now, we reap what we sowed.

For us men, this means shifting our focus from our traditional values and principles to the values and virtues of a good human being. This new role can be scary because it requires us to touch upon areas we men have been afraid to touch upon.

Life is an endless climb, and you have to let go of the hold you cling to so you can reach for the next one. The joy isn’t in reaching the top but in the climb itself.

Yes, it will be scary. But as the saying goes, nothing worth having comes easy.

To become a modern and authentic man and a good human being, you need to find a purpose for your life that goes beyond yourself.

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