The Struggles of Being Conflict-Avoidant

Why holding your tongue holds you hostage

Of all the conflicts I’ve been in, I can count on my hands the number of times I really spoke my mind.

The things that stop me?

Noise. Fuss. Arguing. Drama.

All of these things for me are like hearing nails scream down a chalkboard, and I’ll do anything (or nothing) to make them go away.

I’ll offer to do extra work so coworkers will stop complaining. I’ll do my children’s chores just to avoid hearing their whiny shouts. I’ll graciously accept a denied pay raise, even though it’s well deserved. I’ll say things I don’t mean and lie. I’ll be silent when someone attacks my work or personality.

I’ll say “it’s no big deal” when it is. I’ll say “I understand” when I don’t. I’ll say, “whatever you want to do is fine with me” when it isn’t.

And my conflict-avoidant lifestyle has caused me numerous troubles. If you find this is also true of you, well, it’s time we spoke our minds.

Are you really conflict avoidant?

At times, everyone makes efforts to keep the peace, but what separates this normal behavior from the conflict-avoidant person?

They’ll sacrifice anything to keep the peace. And they do this more than once in a while. They usually do it everyday.

So, are you simply a peacekeeper or a genuinely conflict-avoidant person?

Psychology Today has questions you can ask yourself to determine if you’re the real deal. Here are a few.

• Do you put others’ needs above your own?
• Do you suppress your opinions or feelings to maintain harmony and make people happy?
• Do you clam up when and keep your feelings to yourself so someone else won’t feel anxious, frustrated, or angry?
• Do you find ways to escape possible conflict when it begins to occur?
• Do you try changing the subject when you start to sense negative energy in a situation?

If this is you, you’ve got to change your behavior. Conflict avoidance is a disrespect to you and others. Unfortunately, it’s often also a relationship wrecker and self-esteem crusher.

The consequences of being conflict avoidant

Yes, we conflict-avoidant people pride ourselves on maintaining a sense of harmony in unharmonious situations, but we really shouldn’t.

Here’s why.

The volcano effect

Relational Advantage explains one of the most damaging effects of avoiding conflict.

Licensed psychologist Dr. Todd Linaman states holding in important feelings to avoid conflict only causes negative consequences. He says engaging in this behavior causes the conflict avoidants’ emotions to simmer until their suppressed anger and hurt rush out in destructive ways. He explains the process of this toxic cause-effect scenario:

“When we bury our emotions we always “bury them alive” which means they can fester and show up when we least expect it, often causing us and others unnecessary pain. It’s not uncommon for people to use “letting it go this time” as a cover for conflict avoidance. If the frustration hasn’t really been resolved, it could blow up as an over-reaction later.”

Bustle notes this action is often termed “gunnysacking” by psychologists, an action described as “silently accumulating grievances, annoyances, and problems as they build up, and then letting them all go in a rush as the ‘sack’ bursts, often completely flooding their target.”

They declare that when the “sack bursts,” the emotional outpour may come out viciously, making the conflict-avoidant person feel guilty. They elaborate, citing that the guilt of lashing out makes the conflict-avoidant crawl back into their shells and revert back to avoidant behavior.

Bottom line?

We do more damage than good by suppressing our feelings and then unthinkingly spewing them out. This type of behavior only hurts our partners or friends more than if we had calmly aired our concerns or opinions.

The death of intimacy

A good relationship is made up of trust, security, honesty, and communication. And each time we hide our feelings from those we care about most, we chip away at some of these essential elements.

We have to believe in our partners and have faith they’ll still love and respect us even though they may not like our opinions or feelings. And the wonderful thing is that if we become confident enough to do this, our relationships will become stronger. For example, here are a few ways communicating our feelings works in our favor:

• Necessary changes are made to the relationship so that both you and your partner are happier.
• Your ability to communicate honestly and openly increases your trust in friends or partners because you begin to see these people value you and love you enough to be sensitive to your feelings. (Note: If they don’t love you enough to care about how you feel, at least you’ll know. This way, you can leave relationships that are toxic and destructive.)
• The weight of holding your feelings inside lifts, and you feel more serene.
• Your self-esteem rises because of the pride you’ve gained for taking back your power and being strong enough to voice your thoughts.
• You begin to be more comfortable with conflict itself and see that it frequently brings more positive changes than negative ones.

How to lessen your fear of conflict and finally speak out

Psych Central explains the simple truth for those who find it hard to speak out in relationships. They state:

“Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship knows that conflicts are simply unavoidable. People often wrongly believe that if they are in love, arguments and conflicts should not exist in their relationship. Most of us were taught since childhood that conflicts are something bad that should, by all means, be avoided if we want to live happily. However, arguments can actually be good for a relationship.”

So how do you start to vocalize your thoughts when every bone in your body tells you to “be quiet”?

The two-step method to make it easier for conflict avoidants to communicate

Dr. Erin Leonard suggests a two-step method to make speaking out easier. She suggests:

“Disarm the other person’s defense mechanisms by launching the confrontation with a positive sentiment. Next, state how you feel. Then, talk about the issue.”

So let’s say you’ve been feeling distant from your partner. Start off with a positive statement such as, “I love you more than anything, and I see how stressed and tired you are from trying to provide for our family.” Then speak your concerns. For example, you might follow your original statement with “I’ve just been feeling a little alone. I miss you, and I was wondering if we can figure out how to reconnect.”

Use the word “I”

Very Well Mind recommends making sure you use “I” statements when you express your feelings. They assert that doing this is “less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.”

Plan ahead

If you’re conflict avoidant, pre-planning what you say may help you gain the courage to follow through on talking about important issues that need to be discussed. So write down what you want to say, or at least rehearse how you’ll approach the conversation. This way, you’re not at a loss for words when you start to broach the topic.

Consider timing

Taking the time to plan what you’ll say is time well spent. However, you need to consider other time issues when it comes to bringing up delicate topics:

• Pick a time you feel most confident.
• Pick a time when you feel most relaxed.
• Pick a time to talk to the individual when they are in a relaxed state. The less stressed the person you’re talking to is, the more likely the conversation will go smoothly.
• Pick a time when the individual is open and ready to talk. If the person has a full schedule for the day, wait to speak until they can give you more of their time. If it’s a partner or friend you need to talk to, the weekend may be a good option. If it’s a coworker, approach them at a convenient time, so it doesn’t impede their work responsibilities.

The bottom line:

Personal coach Cheryl Richardson says:

“If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war within yourself.”

It’s already there, isn’t it? The war?

Make a decision not to surrender to your fear of speaking your mind.

Because if you raise the white flag without saying the things that need to be said, you miss out on so many things. You miss out on being a happier, more confident you, and you miss out on positive changes in your relationships, mental health, and general well-being.

So say the words even if you’re afraid.

I’m rooting for you.

P.S. Root for me, too.

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