When You’re the Toxic Person Causing Your Unhappiness

I’ll tell you where to point the blame. Go look in the mirror

I work too hard. Who’s to blame?

Me.

I crave validation, and it keeps me from living a balanced, happy life. Who’s to blame?

Me.

I surround myself at times with people who make me feel unworthy and unimportant. Who’s to blame?

Me.

I accept less than I deserve, and I remain silent when I want to be heard. Who’s to blame?

Me.

There’s so much talk in our world today about “toxic people.” How to avoid them. How they ruin your life. How they keep you from achieving happiness or self-esteem or success.

And we’re so good at being victimized that we can’t see we’re our own worst enemy.

Famous writer Paolo Coelho states:

“It’s always easy to blame others. You can spend your entire living blaming the world, but your successes or failures are entirely your own.”

The important thing to remember is that you’re in control of your responses to the “toxic people” in your life.

And the blame game is so easy. But it’s a game that will weaken you. No, you may not be able to control other people, but you can decide to change your reactions to them.

And if you haven’t done that, then that makes you your biggest problem.

How to stop blaming others and get to work

We wish people would stop giggling and pointing at us when we know they’re talking about our looks. We wish we didn’t hear our co-workers gossiping about our presentation at work. We wish our partners or friends wouldn’t make sarcastic comments about our cooking, weight gain, anxieties, or anger issues.

But wishing, my friend, is not an assertive action or plan of attack to change a situation.

Licensed Professional Counselor Carrie Heinze-Musgrove explains how worry and feelings of helplessness and unworthiness keep us from taking control over our emotions. She states:

The hallmark of non-confident people is naked fear…. They fear being hurt, any kind of responsibility for their destiny and, of course, they fear change itself. They fear even being themselves, because of the risk of disapproval from the significant others they value or wish to impress.

The truth is that other people are not responsible for our state of unhappiness. They do things that make it worse — but the ultimate answer about how to feel good about ourselves and our lives lies in our own hands.

Below are some suggestions about how to take control of your life and banish the things causing you unhappiness.

Admit the things making you unhappy with yourself and make changes

The worst comments others make about us are those that we know have a kernel of truth. So, stop playing the blame game and work on confronting these issues.

Ask yourself how you really feel about your looks, job status, relationships, or other things in your world.

Be honest.

Most likely, you’re satisfied with your progress in some of these areas. It’s those you’re not happy with that need to be your focus.

For example, let’s say you’re unhappy with your weight. The jokes and barbs from others make things worse, but the reality is your self-esteem and your whole life is being affected by your negative feelings about your body.

So make a plan to shed the pounds.

Maybe you’re feeling like a failure at work. Ask yourself if the pain you experience at your co-workers’ cruel critiques is heightened by the fact that you know you have weaknesses on the job that need to be addressed. Again, this small area of dissatisfaction in your life is one that will bleed into all aspects of your existence.

If this is you, make a plan to learn and grow. Ask a neutral party to assess your work. Ask them for areas of improvement you need to focus on. Then get to it.

And maybe I haven’t named your particular poison. Still, whatever it is, it’s your responsibility to repair what is damaged and heal those open sores.

Yes, you’re busy. I get it. I’m a full-time teacher and mother of two. But you and I both know things will not get better until you take steps to feel more self-confident or be more successful.

Understand this truth.

If one major thing is costing you your happiness, any time spent tackling this thing should be one of your main priorities. And setting aside time to do this work should be guilt-free.

After all, if you begin to feel more powerful and more in control of your life, the fantastic thing is that many other struggles will be lessened.

Stand up for yourself

American activist Tarana Burke says:

“Get up. Stand up. Speak up. Do something.”

We all have experiences where we must interact with people who are selfish, cold, or insensitive.

But what we don’t have to do is let them keep talking or acting disrespectfully to us.

And if we allow this verbal and emotional abuse to continue, we’re the ones at fault.

We have to care enough about ourselves to put up stop signs when people take advantage of our silence or our feelings.

So tell the people who spout negative things about you that you’d prefer they keep their opinions to themselves. Tell them that their words or actions hurt you and that if they’re going to continue, you won’t be around.

And if you have to work with these people and they continue their rude behavior after your requests that they stop, let someone higher up the food chain know.

You may feel like a rat spilling the beans to someone in charge, but the point is some people have to learn the hard way to stop their behavior. And these people may not like the fact you spoke to someone, but did they really like you anyway if they were making you into a target they could wound as many times as they pleased?

You have a right to be respected, and if you’re not standing up for that right, you’re allowing it to happen.

And that’s on you.

Talk to someone

Most of the things that damage us most are the traumas inflicted on us when we were young, innocent, or vulnerable.

And that’s not your fault.

A dysfunctional home life that scarred you. Abuse. A parent who abandoned you. A broken heart that left you unable to commit to or trust other people.

But you have to learn how to deal with these things to find happiness.

And sometimes talking to others can help.

Maybe you just need a friendly ear or a shoulder to cry on, but if you’re trying to go it alone when you’ve experienced life-shattering trauma, you could be making a big mistake.

Forbes explains why individuals hesitate to seek professional help for psychological wounds that simply can’t be overcome alone.

“Many of us grew up under the impression that internal stuff shouldn’t be discussed — it should be swept under the rug. This is perhaps the single worst thing you can do for yourself. Stamping down your emotions and not working through your psychological issues — especially serious pain or abuse in the past — can culminate in a host of problems.”

Many of us hold our failures and traumas close to our chests. We hide them from ourselves and others because we’re too embarrassed to admit we need help.

But many people say therapy can be literally life-transforming.

Medicine Net lists the following ways therapy can benefit you.

• It can help give you strategies to cope.
• It can better your understanding of your thoughts and behavior and help you to make needed changes.
• It can benefit your relationships and help you understand the actions of others.

Just go once. You may be amazed at how good it feels to talk to someone impartial and non-judgmental.

If it’s not for you, it’s not like you have to keep going, so what’s the harm in trying, right?

The bottom line:

Motivational speaker and author Steve Maraboli says:

“You are not a victim. No matter what you’ve been through, you are still here. You may have been challenged, hurt, betrayed, beaten, and discouraged, but nothing has defeated you. You are still here.”

Happiness and success are yours to have if you’re willing to work for it. It may not be your fault that you’re hurting and suffering, but it is your fault if you don’t try to change things for the better.

You deserve happiness, so don’t focus on the people that cause you pain. Focus on working to be the joyful, self-confident person you were meant to be.

You’ll get there if you don’t give up.

Trust me, you got this.

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