Bipolar
The Simple Document That Kept Me Alive
My experience with a no-suicide contract, and how it helped me to keep living.
TW: Suicide, self-harm, no-suicide contract
The middle of the night is the hardest. When the world is dark and most healthy people are safely sleeping, then the monsters that are mental illness come out in full force to torment you.
The constant noise and lack of sleep leave you willing to do anything to stop the madness. Sadly, for many people, that willingness can include suicide ideation.
Believe me, I get it. Thoughts of suicide have been part of my daily life since some time in fourth or fifth grade. These beasts have been my companions for nearly forty years.
Life is worth living, though. It may not always feel like it, but it is always the truth.
What follows is my story of how a piece of paper helped me through some of my darkest hours.
If you or someone you love is coping with thoughts of suicide, please get help immediately. Here are some resources that may help.
United States:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Telephone: 1–800–273–8255 Chat option available
Canada:
Crisis Services Canada Telephone: 1.833.456.4566 — Available 24/7 Text: 45645 — Available Daily 4pm-12am ET Chat option available
Crisis Text Line — 24/7 nationwide crisis-intervention text-message hotline created in partnership with Kids Help Phone. Text: HOME to 686868 in Canada to text with a trained Crisis Responder.
United Kingdom:
Samaritans — 24/7, toll-free crisis line, as well as local branches. Telephone: 116 123
Campaign Against Living Miserably — It has a limited-hour phone and webchat options every day from 5 PM to midnight. Telephone: 0800 58 58 58
Other Countries:
List of suicide crisis lines for other lands Please forgive me if I have not listed your country. Your life is valuable. Do an internet search for “suicide hotline” in your country to find a local number or chat option.
Looking Back
My darkest days came in the mid-1990s. I didn’t understand my illness, even when I was accurately diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
No one I knew had bipolar. There were no support groups to provide validation and encouragement. I felt completely alone.
The internet was just starting to gain popularity. There were no Netflix or Hulu for online streaming and very few blogs to read.
The one thing I wanted the most was someone who understood me, someone who could tell me that things would get better.
Since I couldn’t find what I needed, the next logical step seemed to be to end things.
Getting Help
It’s a long story, but the first doctor I saw for mental health treatment was anything but helpful. She did a lot more harm than good.
I did eventually seek better help. One of the first doctors I saw recognized the state I was in. She made me sign a no-suicide contract.
If you’ve never heard of a no-suicide contract, I found a sample one online and you can see it here. It’s a document you sign promising to stay alive and not harm yourself until a future date or event.
“How can this stupid piece of paper do anything to help me?!?!”
I signed the contract, as it was the only way they would allow me to leave the facility, but my immediate thoughts were rage and anger. I kept thinking, “How can this stupid piece of paper do anything to help me?!?!”
The front of the medical center was all glass. From the intake desk and waiting room, you had a clear view of the parking lot and everything happening in it.
I marched out to the parking lot and, in a true bipolar fashion, I made a huge display of tearing the contract up into tiny pieces and scattering them into the wind.
The system had failed me. I was going home to die.
A Man of My Word
Even though I didn’t have the contract to look back on, it continued to stick with me. I thought about the words constantly.
I had signed my name to a promise not to hurt myself. As irrational as I was, that vow kept me from harming myself.
In the days leading up to my next appointment, I continued to think the contract was a stupid and worthless piece of paper. I couldn’t deny, though, it had done its job.
It kept me alive for another week.
Without making a big deal out of my previous parking lot performance, my doctor had me complete another contract the next time I saw her. That one kept me alive another week, and then another.
This went on until I finally got the help I needed.
Darkness Ends
As a young man learning to cope with a mental illness diagnosis, I thought the darkness I was living in was my new reality. There seemed to be no way out.
Just like the literal night, the darkness of bipolar depression ends. Better days come if you hold on long enough.
In sharing my story, I feel it’s important to share it all — the good, the bad, and the beastly ugly.
I am living proof that the darkness ends. There can be periods of light again. Those days in the sun are worth living for.
Keep going.
Make a Promise
Suicide ideation is not something to take lightly. The number of suicides in all age groups continues to rise. Just a few weeks ago near me, a 10-year-old boy took his own life.
If you are contemplating suicide or other self-harm, I beg you, please get help. Print off the no-suicide contract and vow to yourself to keep living.
I didn’t have many options in my darkest days. You are in a better place.
It’s not 1995 anymore. You have the internet. You have suicide prevention hotlines that you can reach out to for help. Call, text, or chat online.
There are many other writers online chronicling their battle with mental illness. That need for support is one of the main reasons I started my blog. It’s why I continue to write about the subject.
You also have me.
Just a Simple Guy
Truth be told, I’m nobody special. But I do understand.
I know what it feels like when you’re drowning in blackness. I know the agony of feeling like you’ve fallen through the ice on a cold winter’s night and can’t find your way out.
Yes, I have been there. I’ve cried your tears and felt your pain. I’ve spent long, lonely nights in unending agony.
Yet, I’m still here. Here for me, and here for you.
You are not alone.
Please don’t give up.
Until next time, keep fighting.
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