The Pain of Loss Is Why I Write About Mental Illness

How the Speaking Bipolar blog came to life

Blogging is not for the faint of heart. It requires more time, energy, and commitment than people recognize. There can be grueling hours of writing, formatting, promoting, and interacting for only a handful of views and reads.

So why do it?

Writing is powerful, and I hope that my words might help someone else.

TW: Suicide

Who am I?

Let me tell you a little about me. My name is Scott. I’m in my mid-forties and live in southeast Tennessee. Yes, there are a few miles on these tires.

I battle every day with bipolar disorder and Familial Mediterranean Fever. My days revolve around my job as a bookkeeper and tax preparer. Chronic illness leaves me little energy for much of anything else.

Besides being a TV addict, I love to write, read, cook, and work in my yard. It wasn’t my original plan, but I’ve also learned to love blogging as well.

Here’s a little about how that love began.

A joke turns serious

I am blessed to know several people with bipolar disorder. I say “blessed” because I have a circle of friends I can go to that understands the twisted things inside my head. I don’t fear judgment for being my real self around them.

Okay, so maybe there is some judgment, we are humans after all, but at least I know they understand where the craziness is coming from.

Several of us used to joke that there should be a dictionary to translate for people who don’t have bipolar. In my mind, I immediately started writing that book. I decided I would call it Speaking Bipolar: A Mental Illness Translator, and that post became the first installment.

For years, Speaking Bipolar was little more than a joke. It was something that would occasionally come up in conversation but never anything I thought seriously about.

Life events change me

Suicide is a common theme in my life. Not only have I dealt with suicidal ideation in myself and others, but I have lost about a dozen people who chose it as their way to stop hurting.

One friend’s suicide especially changed me. I became obsessed with his death and the thought I could have done more to help him. Intense delusions made me think I should have been able to save him.

In reality, I don’t know if I could have or not, but the thought is still there.

The more time that passed, the more I realized that maybe I could do something. Perhaps I could finally tell others about me and what it’s like to live with bipolar. Those experiences might help someone else and keep them from falling into the abyss.

It takes courage

To say that living with mental illness is a struggle would be a huge understatement. It colors your every interaction and dictates most of your activities and decisions.

People tend to view you differently when they know you have a mental illness diagnosis. Bipolar can become your whole identity. Not by choice, mind you, but it can become the only label that people associate with you. I happily bear that label now. Many people fear it, though, and seldom, if ever, talk about it.

We all need to work on changing that.

Add in the false belief that mental disorders are a sign of weakness or a lack of faith, and you have a double whammy. Men especially face this challenge, and far too many resist help as a result.

I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to face the stigma, to meet the disapproving looks and comments, or to identify myself as being mentally ill.

Still the thought haunted me that if I could help just one person, any discomfort I might suffer would all be worth it.

The Real Me

Speaking Bipolar is about the real me. It’s my third attempt at blogging, but the first that feels like a success. The experiences I share are real experiences, events that happened in my life. The profile picture I share is my real picture.

Few things have been more terrifying than putting my words out into the world. With each step forward, though, something amazing and wonderful has happened.

I’m not the world’s greatest writer or storyteller. Still, slowly over time, my writing has improved and resonated with people. My heart explodes every time someone comments on a post or sends me an email saying how my words helped them.

Just today, another reader reached out to let me know that my words had given her hope. I couldn’t be happier.

Still, for a long time fear held me back. There was more of the story I needed to tell.

What Bipolar Is Like

The reality of bipolar is that suicidal thoughts are part of my everyday life. As far back as the fifth grade, if not earlier, I have always had a plan to end things. Always.

Thoughts of suicide are not the only thoughts you can’t control.

I replay conversations hundreds of times in my head. Conversations from today, yesterday, and ten or twenty years ago.

I deconstruct and analyze every word and every gesture. This isn’t just a manic thing, but something that happens every single day. It fills most of my waking hours.

When I run out of conversations I’ve already had, then I start on conversations I need to have. I plan what I will say in any situation and play out the conversation in my head. If it doesn’t feel right, I start over again and play the whole conversation again.

Still, No Words Spoken

The ironic thing is that even with all the preparation, when the time comes to have a real conversation with someone, more often than not, I say nothing.

After all, isn’t everyone else judging every word I say? Doesn’t everyone spend their nights playing back all the conversations they’ve ever had? Isn’t that normal?

If you have bipolar, then yes, it’s perfectly normal.

It’s more than just conversations, though that’s the easiest thing to understand.

The bipolar mind likes to do much, much more, and many of those things are overwhelming.

Making the negative positive

I know lots of the thoughts I contend with aren’t “normal” or “healthy,” but they are the truths of my daily life. It’s a truth I hid for many years, but for the sake of others, I will share more about it in future posts.

For a long time, I didn’t know that people thought about how to end things even while planning to keep living.

It was only after I started speaking up about mental illness that some of my friends said, “Hey, yeah, I feel that way, too.”

Speaking Bipolar is a blog that exists so you might find validation in my experiences. You are not alone anymore.

Until next time, keep fighting.

Sign up for my FREE Sunday All Things Bipolar Newsletter (off-site link) and I’ll send you a few downloadable gifts to improve your life.