The Real Psychology of Why the Male Orgasm Often Ends Sex
Understanding why the male orgasm so often ends sex can help us improve everyone’s sex lives
Even since the female sexual revolution where the female orgasm has been “discovered” and given a chance to actually happen during sexual activity, it typically is sold as having to happen before the male orgasm — if we believe the film industry, at the same time. The implication is the moment the male orgasm happens sex is over so if we women want an orgasm, we need to get it in before he does.
Often even amongst feminist circles, it is sold that a man should last long enough for us to orgasm first. This implies that the male orgasm is the end of sex. Every angle implies it. Even the orgasm gap implies that sex is all about the orgasm.
For years I pondered why this was, whether it was something that needed to be fought against to improve people’s sex lives, or whether there was something more to it.
There may be instinctual reasons that explain why we can’t escape the idea of the male orgasm as the end of sex
The primary purpose of sex is procreation. No matter what, that will always be the case. Since the dawn of mammals, since the dawn of sexually reproducing species even, the male orgasm has been the key to this process. For this reason, both males and females of all species equally make sex about the male orgasm because that’s what it is about, though humans less so now.
But still at lot. If it were not for the healthcare revolution, it would have continued to be just as much. When we stopped children from dying in such high numbers the male orgasm became troublesome i.e. it was leading to overpopulation, hence, the invention of contraception and the evolution of sex into a means to gain pleasure rather than just make babies. We are the only species that can have sex just for pleasure.
We have only been this way at most for a century, in reality probably just decades. Considering it takes 25,000 years for us to catch up to any new environment. It takes 10 generations for us to even consciously adapt to a new environment. That means instinctually we have not even adapted to ancient civilisations, let alone the one we are trying to create now — whatever it will be.
Inevitably, that is why sex is still primaeval. Since we are intelligent beings now, we can take advantage of those primaeval feelings and desires to gain great pleasure from sex. But we can’t escape the fact that our feelings over sex and the things that will do it for us are primaeval. Here is why that matters when it comes to the male orgasm.
We are instinctually programmed to see the male orgasm as the end of sex — and for good reason
If you look at any sperm clinic, what you will see is that one of the stipulations is that for a man to donate sperm, he is not allowed to ejaculate for at least 48 hours before donating — though it is recommended that he does not ejaculate for 72 hours.
This is for a very logical reason. Once a man has ejaculated, he has given out his best quality sperm. It will now take him upwards of 48 to 72 hours to produce sperm of equal quality. If the purpose of having sex is making babies, this matters.
Imagine a heterosexual couple that wants to give themselves the best chance of procreating. They have sex and the man inseminates her. But instead of leaving it there, they have sex again, then another time afterwards and so on. They keep going until he has no sperm left to give.
On one level it this may seem wise, he’s giving her a lot of sperm and thus boosting her chances of pregnancy. Right? Nope, the opposite is happening, the chances of pregnancy are being reduced.
Here’s why, the man would first inseminate the woman with his best quality sperm, but then by going again he would excavate that good quality sperm from inside her and replace it with lower quality sperm.
That does not sound like a very good way to make babies.
The mushroom head of the penis is designed to excavate sperm
If a man inseminates a woman and then continues having sex right afterwards, his penis will excavate the good-quality sperm from her and should he ejaculate again, he will replace it with poorer-quality sperm — that’s if he is able to replace the sperm at all. In a world where the aim is to make babies, this would be terrible. So terrible it would threaten a species survival chances.
This is likely why the male orgasm, once it’s happened, can so often kill sex. Both men and women are instinctually protecting the good-quality sperm, saving it from being excavated i.e. our instincts are telling us to stop having sex. Even if the man has not ejaculated inside of her, even though a couple may not be having sex for the purpose of making a baby, it still doesn’t stop those instincts from existing.
This is often why even if a woman is not feeling sexually satisfied, once a man has ejaculated, it can be difficult for her to remain in the mood to want to continue engaging in sexual activity with him — even if he wants to continue. This is something I struggled with in my younger days. But there is a solution.
The feeling of not being sexually satisfied but losing interest in continuing having sex after the male orgasm is common in women — understanding why can help improve the sex lives of everyone
If the mushroom-shaped head of the penis is designed for excavating sperm, and this stops men from being able to have sex a second time due to fear of removing their high-quality sperm and replacing it with lower quality, why the hell do men have that mushroom-shaped head? Surely it would have been better to evolve a penis head which, if a man had sex again right after, the new sperm would just add to the sperm already in there? What gives?
Nature is not a fan of monogamy, that’s what gives. The best way for a female to ensure she gets the best offspring is not just allowing the males to fight it out amongst themselves to prove who is the strongest, it is also allowing the strongest males to inseminate her so that their sperm can compete over who gets to seed the egg.
The mushroom head of the penis is a response to this. It’s the male way of trying to ensure his sperm is always the last to inseminate us. That means men evolved it due to the female preference for non-monogamy.
Ancestral females likely wanted the best quality male sperm to compete inside of them for the right to seed an egg
Think of it like this, we have our ancestral male come along, he ejaculates inside the female. This kills his desire for sex because he can’t give her any better-quality sperm than what he has already given her, and so he moves along, and she is happy about that. Both are satisfied.
But whereas the male is sexually satisfied to the point he will struggle to have sex again, the female is not per se, it is just the male in question no longer has the power to appease her need i.e. give her quality sperm. But should another male come along then that story will change. As such, when the next male comes along, she is happy to accommodate him and thus he inseminates her, which kills his desire for sex, and her desire for sex with him.
But again, not her desire for sex per se, as such if there is another worthy male available, the story repeats itself and it’s likely to do so until there are no males left.
This is likely why when a man ejaculates prematurely, despite often neither he nor his partner feeling sexually satisfied, the woman is the one who more often feels the least sexually satisfied. Because she has in her the potential to go again, just her instincts — at least at this moment — don’t want it to be with him.
This is often why even when the man is keen to keep going after he’s ejaculated, the woman, despite not feeling sexually satisfied, can find herself feeling like she has lost her libido to continue with him. I struggled with this very feeling for years. But I did overcome it.
How to overcome this problem
Something that used to always surprise me is that traditional societies typically report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than those in liberal societies — even amongst women. Considering that we are in the liberal world are meant to be the sexually liberated and they are meant to be the dinosaurs, what the hell is going on?
The power of procreation is the answer. When I wanted children and my partner and I embarked upon baby-making sex, it was quite astonishing how good that sex was. I cannot explain it. Even the times he did not last long, when he ejaculated it felt amazing.
It was like I’m making a baby; this is going to be our child. I lost all interest in anything else. It was all about his orgasm and every time he had an orgasm, it felt like that was the special moment.
Though it went against my beliefs — I always wanted sex to not be about the orgasm, especially not the male — I cannot escape how amazing the sex became and his orgasm became when I wanted a child.
I also cannot escape how immensely satisfied I felt every time he ejaculated inside me during this period. I also cannot escape the fact that once he did, it was the end of sex and I had no problem with it — even if he had not lasted long.
This is important to acknowledge when it comes to turning sex into an activity for pleasure. Sex is a mental game, and when it’s about making babies, the male orgasm becomes the game. When it becomes for pleasure, it becomes a game of trying to manipulate ancient instincts for the purposes of gaining pleasure.
One of those instincts is the male orgasm and its procreation powers, which is why many women — myself included — love now and then bringing their men to orgasm for nothing in return but their orgasm i.e. a blow job or hand job et cetera. We are taking advantage of this primaeval feeling of his orgasm.
Another of those instincts is the fact that the male orgasm — after it has happened — will affect both participants’ desire for continued sexual activity with each other.
To have good sex we must acknowledge that the male orgasm will frequently be the end of sex
No matter how much it may feel that by acknowledging the male orgasm’s almost mystic powers to define the end of sex, we are failing to rally against the patriarchy, we must. Sexual pleasure does not care about the patriarchy. It’s instinctual. Try to deny it at your peril, but accept it and watch how liberating it can be.
For example, for some couples, the key to both gaining sexual satisfaction will be acknowledging that the male orgasm is the end of sex simply because in some men and women the male orgasm can kill their desire so much that it’s hard to continue afterwards — more men than women. It’s unfortunate but it is simply instincts.
However, it’s only a problem if such couples don’t work within the parameters of this reality for them. i.e. if they try to deny it rather than acknowledge it. But if they acknowledge it, they can simply adapt to the reality and come up with a workable solution so that both parties can be sexually satisfied. In this case, it would be women first men second.
For couples where this effect is not so powerful to kill the desire, it does not mean it has to be the end of sexual activity at all, it just means they have to adapt to how the male orgasm has changed the dynamic — if it has, for some lucky couples it does not.
For example, the way I adapt is that I often get out a sex toy after he has ejaculated, and we kiss and cuddle and I use that toy on myself. Sometimes I get a clitoral orgasm, sometimes I don’t.
But it is always highly satisfying, and I suspect that is because, and I’m just postulating here, though his orgasm has not brought me satisfaction, and though it has lowered my desire to keep having sex with him, I still feel the desire for sex. When I use my toy, I’m technically no longer having sex with him. I’ve moved on to the next person, just like my ancient instincts want me to after a man has ejaculated.
That means by getting out my toy after he has ejaculated, rather than trying to fight my ancestral instincts, which want his orgasm to be the end of my sexual activities with him, instead I manipulate them to my advantage.
That’s the key to turning sex into a pleasure game. Manipulating your instincts in a favourable way, rather than fighting them or worse trying to pretend they don’t exist like I used to do and as such always being beaten by them.
Final words
When sex is about making babies, the male orgasm becomes the prime goal and has the power to bring great pleasure to both men and women when it occurs. However, when sex is solely for pleasure it is about us manipulating primaeval instincts for purposes other than that they were designed.
Men and women alike already manipulate the male orgasm’s procreation powers for pleasure, the blow job is the prime example of this, if we are to further improve the sex lives of couples, we need to learn to manipulate our instincts around the male orgasm and its sexual activity-ending powers.
Once we do that, then we really will have a sexual revolution on our hands.
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