The One Question Every People-Pleaser Should Become Obsessed With
Your life will never be the same.
Listen, I know. I know how it feels like to spend every single day leaving your needs behind, ignoring your desires, suppressing your emotions, and pretending you’re fine so that you can make everyone else feel comfortable.
We people-pleasers have learned very early in life that our worth is based on our ability to be nice and agreeable.
We’ve learned that we will only be loved if we comply and say yes to everything, without ever expressing our individual boundaries or reflecting on our authentic wishes.
What if I tell you it’s all lies? What if I tell you your worth is intrinsic — that you’re worthy and deserving of love regardless of your ability to please everyone?
What if I tell you that you are allowed to acknowledge your feelings without feeling guilty? That you’re not selfish for protecting your own needs?
What if I tell you that what you want, need, and feel, matters?
The Only Person You Are Responsible For Is Yourself
A few years ago, the mere possibility of saying no to anyone was terrifying to me. It didn’t matter how I truly felt — I felt obliged to conform and do what was expected of me.
The reason behind my behavior is simple, yet I was not aware of it at the time: my subconscious mind believed that I needed to forget my authentic self to be accepted.
There were no boundaries between me and others: I would always adapt every part of my being to the environment I was in. I’d do my best to blend in, no matter how healthy or unhealthy the situation was — because I had no idea my feelings actually mattered.
If you’re reading this, chances are you suffer from the same problem. Here’s what I want you to know: it doesn’t have to be this way.
You are not responsible for the emotional states of others. You are not responsible for their needs. You are not responsible for their unresolved feelings, or for their unprocessed trauma.
You don’t owe anyone anything, and it’s not your job to save others.
The thing is, in order to accept this truth, you first have to understand the root cause of your selfless personality. So, let me tell you this: being a people-pleaser is not a biological characteristic; it’s a coping mechanism.
It’s a coping mechanism that you’ve developed because you needed to survive the chaotic environment you grew up in. Because you’ve never received love on a consistent basis — therefore, you have internalized the idea that love and acceptance have to be earned.
This internalization occurs when, in childhood, we’re shown that our own needs are not important. As a consequence, we apply this belief to every human interaction. We believe the needs and the emotions of others matter way more than our own.
The good news is, since it’s not something you’re born with, you do have the power to change it. You do have the power to say enough is enough and let go of the beliefs that no longer serve you.
What Do YOU Want?
These beliefs were never yours to begin with — they’re mere seeds someone planted in your mind, and you have the right to get rid of them.
Once you realize that you are not a victim of your circumstances and that you deserve to put yourself first… Your whole life changes.
It won’t change overnight — it will be a slow, steady, painful journey that will force you to release your fears until you’re finally free from your conditioning. It will force you to look at your wounds, heal them, and accept the scars they leave within you.
More than anything, this journey will teach you something you should have been taught many years ago: boundaries.
It will teach you to set limits between your inner reality and the outer conditions; to stop for a minute before saying yes right away and instead focus on your gut instincts.
Sooner or later, you’ll begin to ask yourself the most effortless, yet complicated question: Wait, what do I want? What do I really want?
- Do I want to play it safe and be nice, or would I rather stay true to myself?
- Do I want to ignore my intuition, or would I rather listen to it?
- Do I want to allow people do walk all over me, or would I rather be respected and have my needs met?
- Do I want to stay silent or do I feel called to express myself?
- Does this environment align with my feelings or am I trying to blend in to feel safe?
- Does this person make me feel genuinely good or do I feel pressured?
- Do I want to feel drained all the time, or would I rather express my emotional, physical and spiritual needs?
- Do I want to feel angry, resentful, and powerless? Or do I want to implement the changes I want to see in my life?
Essentially, this is the question I want you to get obsessed with: what do I want? What do I need, and what can I do to get it?
Not what do they want? or how can I please them?, but how can I please myself and honor my needs?
“When we get to know ourselves, we reject the crumbs and ask for the à la carte menu. We get choice, freedom, and start to design the life we want, not the life that everyone else wanted for us.
The first step is to realize that anger occurs when we are not having our needs met. Getting to know yourself means acknowledging this anger and asking yourself what you need.”
Michelle Zelli, in The Joy of Being Selfish by Michelle Elman
After being a people-pleaser for so many years, you probably feel like you’re doomed — but you’re not. All it takes is determination to develop your self-awareness and courage to stand up for yourself.
A few years, I had no idea that what I wanted mattered. If you asked me what I wanted, I would have been shocked I had a choice.
Now, the more I express myself, the more I realize how important it is to honor my individuality, and how joyful life can be when finally free yourself from the mental, emotional prison you’re in.
You too deserve to be free.