The 4 Types of Boundaries You Need If You’re A People-Pleaser
You deserve to speak up for yourself.
If you’re new to boundaries, let me tell you this: if you tend to feel drained, manipulated, or taken advantage of when dealing with other people, that’s a clear sign you need boundaries in your life.
That’s how I’ve felt for a very long time. I’d say yes every time someone asked me anything, even if my whole being wanted me to say no. I couldn’t even consider the possibility of denying other people’s demands.
This is what happens when our people-pleasing patterns are so strong that we have no awareness of our emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.
Unfortunately, our society has normalized emotionally unhealthy behavior and, as a consequence, we think it’s normal to feel uncomfortable or inadequate for standing up for ourselves. Well, it’s not.
Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially if we’re surrounded by people who are used to our empathetic personality, and they themselves have no awareness of how important boundaries are.
But remind yourself that you deserve to speak up for yourself. You have the right to live a fulfilling life that’s not dictated by the expectations of others, and you deserve to express your genuine thoughts and needs without feeling pressured to please everyone.
According to Dr. Nicole LePera, whose work I admire, there are 4 types of boundaries. I hope this article makes you realize how crucial they are, and how your life and relationships can improve once you dare to set them.
1) Physical Boundaries.
Physical boundaries refer to your personal limits in what comes to your personal space or physical reality, like your body, your house, your room, your car or your office.
Unfortunately, many of us were never modeled boundaries. Even worse, some of us had our boundaries constantly violated by family members, including by our own parents. That’s the thing about family dynamics: it goes from generation to generation, until someone questions what’s really going on.
In my case, my father would always open my bedroom door whenever I wanted to play alone or be with my own thoughts. As a child, what this taught me was that I didn’t deserve to have my own personal space, or to set my own limits.
However, as adults, we’re no longer victims. We have the power to change our reality and claim our rights.
Physical boundaries sound like,
“Please knock before coming into my office.”
“My room is my own little refuge — I will only share it with really close friends.”
“I don’t feel safe sharing my body with someone I don’t love deeply.”
2) Emotional Boundaries.
Do you know when you’re not feeling your best, your friend comes for a visit and won’t stop talking about their life? Or when you’ve had a very busy, draining day, and your mother complains that you’re not listening to her?
In these situations, boundaries are fundamental. They allow you to make a conscious decision regarding how you feel and who you engage with.
Maybe you’ve never heard this before, but it’s not your obligation to share your time and energy with others. If you feel tired, depleted, or simply like you want to be alone, you deserve to take your time to recharge. Some examples of emotional boundaries given by Dr. Nicole are,
“I’m not in a good space to support you around this right now.”
“Do you have the ability to listen for about 15 minutes while I share what’s been happening for me, recently?”
“I’m going to pause from this conversation and take a break.”
3) Material Boundaries.
These boundaries help you get clear on what you will or will not tolerate regarding your material belongings, specifically the way they’re used.
Worrying about how your things are treated is not selfish. You have every right to let people know that something is important to you, and to demand thoughtfulness. Some of the examples Dr. Nicole gives are,
“I don’t allow people to drive my car, I’m uncomfortable with that.”
“You’re welcome to wear my clothes, just please bring them back the next day.”
“If you’d like to borrow my things, just please ask first.”
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you probably carry the subconscious belief that you have to leave your needs behind to be loved and accepted. This is why it’s so important to address the root cause of your inability to set boundaries: because there’s no healing without self-awareness.
4) Resource Boundaries.
Resource boundaries involve expressing your limits when it comes to your time. When someone asks you if you want to go out, or if you can help them with their project, you can express your limitations.
A few years ago, I’d get involved in a hundred projects, have a completely full schedule, and feel exhausted at the end of the day. My inability to decline other people’s demands was clearly ruining my well-being.
When I first started speaking my limits, I’d get super guilty. I felt like I was a failure; like I was disappointing everyone around me. Now, I’m at a place in my life where I treasure my alone time so much that I plan my life according to my need to recharge.
“You don’t owe anyone anything, and it’s not your job to save others.
The thing is, in order to accept this truth, you first have to understand the root cause of your selfless personality. So, let me tell you this: being a people-pleaser is not a biological characteristic; it’s a coping mechanism.
It’s a coping mechanism that you’ve developed because you needed to survive the chaotic environment you grew up in. Because you’ve never received love on a consistent basis — therefore, you have internalized the idea that love and acceptance have to be earned.”
in The One Question Every People-Pleaser Should Become Obsessed With
Setting boundaries is not easy. Many people will ignore you, get reactive, or manipulate you into feeling guilty because they don’t know how to handle your individuality — but that’s their problem, not yours.
You don’t deserve to feel depleted, disrespected, and unfulfilled.
You have every right to put yourself first and protect your energy.
