The Official 2017 NBA League Pass Watchability Rankings
After a wild offseason and new superstars in new places, which teams should you be most excited to watch in 2017?
The NBA is finally back — but did it really ever leave? The dust had barely settled on another Warriors title when the offseason exploded with Chris Paul, Jimmy Butler, and Paul George trades, and it never really slowed down. Five of the league’s top 15 players swapped jerseys, Klay went to China, Melo donned a hoodie, and the games can’t get here soon enough.
We tided ourselves over with Summer League, WNBA, and EuroBasket, but it’s time for Embiid, Porzingis, and Russ to take center stage. And there’s only one way to watch it all — with an expensive NBA League Pass subscription that never actually works. Still, for that rare second Tuesday after the first full moon of the month between midnight and 1am when the LP gods deign to make their presence known, you need to know whether to grab a Clips-Magic scrimmage or a Kings-Knicks snuff film.
So serge and I ranked every team, yelled at each other a fortnight, finally agreed on a #1, sang Kumbaya, and hit the publish button. You can check out last year’s rankings here. Let’s kick things off with #30, then hit Part II to wrap things up…
THE BOTTOM FEEDERS
30. Detroit 29. Atlanta 28. Indiana 27. Chicago
Brandon
I’m so sad for Avery Bradley. He’s one of my favorites to watch in the entire league, but there’s just nothing else interesting about this Pistons squad. And they’re probably a playoff team! The East, everyone!!
What would it take for you to turn on a game between any two of these four? Would you tune in for a throwback halftime dunk contest between Nique and MJ? Would you flip over for a reenactment of the Malice at the Palace?
Serge
Two words: Born Ready. You can be as low as you want on the Pacers (most mentally healthy people are), but the over/under on games where Lance Stephenson gets bored and does Lance things is like 15.5.
The School of Pop takes the Hawks a long way, but I don’t feel like watching Dennis Schröder slip into depression every night. I’ve spent a lot of time squinting at these Bulls and Hawks rosters and I’m not sure if they could win the G-League this year.
Brandon
I’m intrigued by DeAndre Bembry, Taurean Prince, and John Collins under Bud, but that’s offset by the depressing home crowds and Nique on the mic.
Chicago may be watchable. Lauri looks good, LaVine will be back, and we get Hoi-ball, no defense, and Funk and King. Crazy thing about Chicago is they are the third biggest market, have some fun young pieces and a good shot at the #1 pick, and could have close to double max room next summer. They should be really interesting but… #FireGarPax.
Serge
The Bulls have the most inexplicably sexy branding in the league. I’ve never been and never will be a Bulls fan but own at least three different snapback hats. Let’s be honest, Atlanta Tinder nights are either the greatest or most disastrous initiative in the NBA, and I love the ads on League Pass.
Brandon
Why don’t YOU have a Chicago Bulls argyle sock monkey?? Five stars.
LOL TORONTO
26. Orlando 25. Charlotte 24. Toronto 23. Brooklyn 22. Phoenix
Serge
Out of all Raptors fans, I think I watch the least Toronto games. I actively avoid them unless there’s standings implications. The commentators are annoying and every game is like watching a TV procedural. You already know what’s going to happen, and frankly, I’m tired of watching Costco Kobe dribble 10 seconds before jumping into the air with no idea what he wants to do. I’ll turn it on for any Norm Powell alert though. He’s already in midseason “get out the way” form.
The Suns have enough young guys to keep it interesting and there’ll be nights where they click and go off on some unsuspecting team. Those won’t happen often, but then again, we won’t watch the Suns too often either.
Brandon
DDR and JV are awful to watch. Give me the Lowry + bench unit, or I’m flipping the channel. Phoenix has fun youngsters but buries them behind boring veterans, and Orlando is like Phoenix squared. I want to watch Jon Isaac and Aaron Gordon do stuff, and Elf, Bismack, Don’t Google, Hezonja, and Simmons are fun too, so how is this team so forgettable and awful? This team desperately in need of talent somehow turned four top 35 draft picks into Isaac, Wesley Iwundu, and punting. Just unfathomable.
Serge
Orlando once had a plan, but I don’t think anyone can reverse engineer it. This is just a sad team. The only solace is that we’re just blowing DeVos money at this point and I’ll take that. Young guys are fun around coaches who allow development and play funky styles to unleash their athleticism, but neither the Magic nor the Suns have the coaching to do this.
Brandon
I’m not sure if we should congratulate the Nets on being the 8th least watchable team in the East or focus on the fact that THE EIGHT LEAST WATCHABLE TEAMS ARE ALL IN THE EAST. Brooklyn is low key fun though. Atkinson has them playing hard with tempo, plus you get Ian Eagle, The Csar, and Ryan Ruocco taking turns on the call. They deserve so much better.
SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW
21. Memphis 20. L.A. Clippers
Brandon
We have these two flipped. I had Clips at 16 and Grizz at 25, you had them at 25 and 17. I love me some Grit-n-Grind and I will 100% tune in to watch Conley and Gasol take some opponent to six games before bowing out gracefully in Round 1 in May, but haven’t we seen this show by now?
The Clippers are different at least. I don’t think they’re necessarily good, but I’ll definitely tune in to watch Milos Teodosic and PBev, aka Milos & Stitch. Besides, you gotta tune in early for the like four games all season when Gallo, Blake, and DJ are all healthy together.
Serge
Conley / Gasol is this league’s longest running bromance, DWade / LeBron and Draymond / kicking people notwithstanding. Mike got that Kanye co-sign so as far as I’m concerned, Grizz Game Day crew has carte blanche to play Kanye retrospectives every game, and I’ll tune in for that alone. I think this team will be worse this year, but on the off chance Chandler Parsons is back, this can be fun. Have we given up on Ben McLemore yet?
After watching Milos in the preseason, my original Clips ranking may have been too low. The man has eyes on the soles of his shoes. He sees angles that don’t seem geometrically possible. Did you ever watch Wanted? Remember the first time you saw them bend a bullet’s path through the air and thought to yourself “Well this clearly isn’t scientifically possible?” Now that I’ve watched Milos Teodosic pass, I’m no longer sure of that.
Brandon
Teodosic will be all sorts of fun, and I know I’m not the only one that always thinks of this old commercial whenever I hear the name Milos. And I’m willing to concede that the Grizz should be a little higher, but only if they commit to getting Alexis and Amara more screen time this year.
Serge
We really do ride or die for the Grizz ladies in this household so I’m with you there. My biggest attachment here is sentimentality. We moved to Vancouver when I first came to Canada. I just don’t believe there are actual grizzly bears in Memphis outside of maybe an odd sighting of Marc day to day.
Brandon
I took a look at Gasol in the shower. He looks like all of Spain. He is really put together.
IT’S FUN TO WATCH THE WORLD BURN
19. New York 18. Sacramento 17. New Orleans
Serge
I like disaster stories. You root for them, but about two-thirds into the plot you realize there’s no getting better. It’s like everything the Knicks have ever done, and they still end up in the gutter year after year. The Kings are how my little cousin plays 2K franchise mode, and New Orleans will have to turn one of Boogie or Brow into a three.
Still, New York is worth watching for an occasional Kristaps gem and general laughter for how much they decided to pay Tim Hardaway Jr. to be slightly above mediocre. I would’ve taken half that for comparable production. Sacto has De’Aaron Fox and the first time they go up against the Lakers is basically PPV. New Orleans has two of the most exciting and the one most unstable player in the league. You’ll watch.
Brandon
I ranked the Knicks top five last season out of morbid curiosity, but I’ve learned my lesson. This team is a disaster and will hardly even resemble basketball, but I can’t not tune in for a Ntilikina, Beasley, Lativian Gangbanger lineup. The Knicks still have the best home court and they still have Clyde, Kenny, and Mike Breen, and that counts for something.
Serge
Michael Beasley is going to single handedly keep Knicks viewership alive. He’s “Melo from the Left” and has been running rampant around the neighborhood telling people he’s as good as KD and LeBron. This building has been on fire for two years and he’ll actively pour gasoline onto it. I have a running bet on which announcer decides to cuss him out on live television. Open your third eye, fam.
Brandon
The fact that we made it through this entire section without you yelling BOOGIE!! even once is basically all we need to know about the Pels. Sacramento can give us a Fox Buddy Bogdan² Skal Trill lineup with VC and ZBo yukking it up on the bench, and I’ll take that over this disaster New Orleans lineup any day.
Serge
WELL COACHED BASKETBALL NERDERY
16. Dallas 15. Utah 14. Portland 13. Miami
Brandon
Now we’re talking basketball. Dame and CJ. Dirk and DSJ. Ricky and Rudy. All the Miami weirdos. We’ve officially reached the tier where I watch any matchup between every team here and up until further notice. The healthy version of these teams is good enough for a hearty first round playoff exit, but it’s about the journey, not the destination.
Spo. Stotts. Quin. And of course, ya boy Pretty Ricky Carlisle.
Serge
I’m surprised how Lowe Zach had Dallas. I guess not everyone shares my unconditional love and devotion to Rick Carlisle, First of His Name, the Dirk Whisperer, Master of Zones. Dennis Smith Jr. is liquid basketball cocaine and a rookie version of Russ. This will be fun.
I thoroughly enjoyed the Heat last year, but let’s be honest, you can put Dion Waiters on the Bulls and I’d watch it. Would he argue he deserves to wear 23? I like Whiteside when he’s engaged, and Dragic is exciting when he doesn’t have to cater to one particular ego. Who knows, maybe this is the year Winslow makes the leap to Jimmy Butler?
Brandon
No one tell Allana Tachauer, but but this is definitely 100% not the year Justise turns into Jimmy. That’s like saying who knows, maybe the country isn’t going to hell in a hand basket in 2017. We know… sigh. We know.
The Heat have a better chance of finishing 3rd in the East or something crazy. Still, I was shocked how high I ranked this Miami TuneSquad. Justise, Bloodsport, Dion Kobe Wade, Bam, Okaro, Hassan, Dragon, Spo, and The Godfather. There will be movies made about this team, and it will be a trilogy cuz they’re locked into this roster until like 2027.
Serge
I really need them to incorporate this unit into Bad Boys 3. Who do I call about this? Utah will slug it out but will be more watchable than last year, mostly because Fabio Rubio is in the mix. He looks like someone who goes final two on The Bachelor. That thing I said about bending time and space with Milos? I think he learned that from Rubio. Portland is fun because when Dame is on, he’s on, and with C.J. getting better and better they may drop 80 between them every night. Actually, looking at that roster, they might have to.
Brandon
Dame and C.J. is the buddy cop film we never asked for where they spend the the whole movie weaving through bicycle lanes trying to track down some missing pot or stolen antiques, with the part of Seth Rogen played by Evan Turner. Why is Seth Rogen in this movie??
Utah is intriguing. Jon Snow takes a break from killing White Walkers and sleeping with his aunt to drop dimes with Iso Joe, Jingles, and Stifle Tower? I’m here for it.
Serge
Lotta references here I’m not really willing to unpack. Most teams here are 0 or 100. When they click, most entertaining basketball that night, no discussion. When they fumble, we’re in for a slog. No other teams have as much watchable to “throw it in the fire” swing potential any given night.
This year, our ratings have been fairly similar except for that one part where I dropped a few teams we’ll see in the second half of these rankings out of my top 15 yet they somehow made it. I call tampering.
Look, just don’t ask me to watch more than 15 Raptors games this year and I’ll be fine.
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