What’s the Best NBA Nickname? Sweet 16 to Championship

Serge and Brandon break down the #NBANicknameMadness bracket final rounds…

It’s been a long and grueling #NBANicknameMadness and it’s time to whittle our Sweet Sixteen down and determine a champion. Y’all have messed up the voting beyond recognition, but that’s why serge and I are here to save the day.

We threw caution to the wind and knocked out every 1, 2, 3, and 4 seed because this is MADNESS and that’s how it goes sometimes. Goodbye King James, Linsanity, and Birdman. The real Sweet Sixteen has three 15 seeds and two 16s. This is where Outback Jesus and Stifle Tower and Kobe Wade live. But like The Highlander, there can only be one, so we must proceed.

Check out our first and second round picks if you haven’t yet. And here’s the original bracket with your Trumputian voting results, too. Let’s do this.

SUPERSTAR SWEET SIXTEEN

(9) The Process vs (12) The Brow (11) Vinsanity vs (15) The Stifle Tower

Brandon

Can we just talk about how Vinsanity and Stifle Tower are in the Sweet Sixteen but might not even be the best nickname for either player? Air Canada was great. Half-Man-Half-Amazing was copped but totally earned. Gobert’s got French Rejection, Gobzilla, and my personal favorite, Gobert Report. All great. In the end, Vinsanity is going to end up with the greater peak as well as the longer-lasting Vinsawesomeness. Rudy had a great run but he is Gobert close on this one.

Serge

On top of that, he still technically owns the deed to all of France because he once cleared Frederic Weis in a single bound. He literally jumped over an entire country and I haven’t checked international law in awhile, but I’m fairly certain that qualifies him to claim some acres in the most wine-healthy region of Normandy.

This is also where we wave goodbye to The Brow. Nicknames based on physical features are cool, but unibrows are decidedly uncool. They’re like suspenders in the early 2000s or anything not off-black today. It’s like when everyone tried to make Urkel cool but we all knew he wasn’t. That’s Brow. Also the entire city of Philly rides for The Process, and if rumors are correct, we’re about to witness the Process II: The Processing in Sacramento.

Brandon

So we’ve got a 9–11 matchup in the Elite Eight then. Hope they’re not playing this one at Madison Square Garden.

Process vs Vinsanity is a classic old-school new-school battle. Embiid already dispatched of Vince’s ’98 draftmate and The Truth is a far better moniker than Vinsanity. That one really could’ve been a regional final. The Process is just bigger than any single nickname. It’s a person and a team and a city and a lifestyle. The Process is life. The Process is everything. It’s all I know.

We’re heading straight to the EThis one’s tight heading to the fourth because of Embiid’s minutes limit. What do you think?

Serge

I don’t know. No one has ever claimed an entire adjective quite like Vince did with Vinsane. But Joel has claimed the imagination of a nation. So we’re doing it. We’re going with The Process.

INTERNATIONAL FLAIR SWEET SIXTEEN

(16) The Kiwi Phenom vs (12) Outback Jesus (6) Air Congo vs (15) Don’t Google

Brandon

My life is already in the hands of The Bosnian Bear’s father, so I’m going to take the heat from Khal Drago on this one. Outback Jesus is just too good. Steven Adams himself is an 11, but the name “Kiwi Phenom” is only like a 7.3. Besides, if we eliminate Outback Jesus, he’s probably just going to Outback-resurrect himself into the bracket three days later anyway. Steven Adams, you’re out. Goodbye, sweet world.

Serge

You do realize you may have inadvertently started an invasion of Australia by New Zealand. It’s like when Russell Crowe claimed to be Australian and almost started an international incident. Diplomatically dangerous, but I’m with you on Outback Jesus. Kiwi Phenom seems too unrefined for a man who starts each press appearance with “Salutations.” How about we just call him The Cultured Ruffian” from now on?

I’m sticking with Don’t Google until Google actually asks you whether you’re googling Fournier the basketball player or Fournier the traumatizing experience you had to endure because someone once told you not to google Fournier the basketball player.

Brandon

I was gonna say this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to Congo, but actually Fournier was probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to Congo. If you don’t know what I mean, google it. (DON’T) By the way, shouts to the general public who voted out three of our four International Flair finalists in the first round. This is why we can’t have nice things.

This is a championship-level final. Where do we start? I suppose at google. If you google “Don’t Google” you get a whole litany of nasty stuff you shouldn’t have googled. If you google “Outback Jesus” you get an ad for a Bloomin’ Onion. Advantage Delly?

Serge

I’m taking Fournier on this one. We knew Outback Jesus couldn’t last all the way. It’s a top-class nickname, but nothing quite encapsulates something so perfectly as Evan “Don’t Google” Fournier. Mostly because we get to talk about him some more and my goal is to generally have everyone who’s still resisting googling his name by the finals google it and ruin their lives.

Brandon

I’ll begrudgingly go along with it but only because it ruins Matty Dellavedova’s life a little bit more and that warms my cold, cold heart.

ACCURATE ENOUGH SWEET SIXTEEN

(9) Iso Joe vs (5) Born Ready (14) Mississippi Bullet vs (7) Threezus

Serge

I will stick with Threezus mostly because the juxtaposition of Kyle Korver vs Kanye West vs actual black Jesus is something I can never get out of my head. It’s forever there. You have to be the best at something to enter this equation. Jesus is the best at being the Son of God and resurrection. Kanye is the best producer and overall insane famous person. Kyle Korver is the best at threes. Threezus wins.

Brandon

Jesus does hold the all-time Guinness World Record for resurrections with four, though that doesn’t count all saints past and present. Also Mississippi Bullet could be a name for chewing tobacco so yeah Korver gets this one.

I watched a Jazz game the other day and there was Iso Joe Iso Joeing just like the good ol’ days. It’s 2017, people! I stopped caring about Joe Johnson a decade ago and he’s still out here putting up the same per-36 stats every year like some sort of homeless man’s Tim Duncan. How did Iso Joe end up in this region instead of the superstar region anyway? Oh right, because he’s not a star and he’s lucky we let him ball hog it up so he didn’t get stuck with his other moniker, Armadillo Cowboy. Armadillo takes it.

Serge

And now the showdown between two guys whose nicknames are entirely based around doing one thing really well — either not passing or just shooting threes. Here’s the thing though, if you’re going to put a name on the back of a jersey, you’d want Threezus, right? You’d probably have to explain Iso Joe to the kids. Like, the threshold of running Joe Johnson isos as a viable strategy is done. Threezus lives.

LOL WUT SWEET SIXTEEN

(16) Buffet of Goodness vs (5) The Panda’s Friend (6) Wave Papi vs (15) Kobe Wade

Serge

I think it’s time for Wave Papi to go. Give him a few more years and a sexy signature move and we can see Oubre go the distance, but right now it reeks of immaturity. The more I say Papi out loud to myself, which happens more often than you think, the more I’m convinced this is the kind of thing a child would call itself. Not because it fits, but because he found it funny in a teehee kind of way and I can’t endorse that kind of prolonged immaturity. Kobe Wade on the other hand is a conscious decision made by an adult.

Brandon

Wave Papi v Kobe Wade is exactly why we need a full Supreme Court again but since it’s just the two of us, I have to agree with Waiters Island. Wave Papi will forever remind me of Big Papi. That’s not a bad thing but minus points for unoriginality. Kobe Wade LeBron MJ wins on a walk-off J.

I present one argument and one argument only for The Panda’s Friend:

I mean, come on. THERE ARE PANDAS ON HIS FEET IN A PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL GAME. If that’s not a buffet of goodness, I don’t know what is. Pandas eat 27 pounds of bamboo every single day, and what is Channing Frye if not a giant stick of bamboo? Metta’s style is impetuous. His defense is impregnable. He wants your heart. He will eat Channing’s children.

Panda. Panda. Panda panda panda panda panda.

Serge

I don’t even know where to go from here and I can’t get the image of Latrell Sprewell’s And1 shoes with spinning rims in them out of my head. So thanks for that. You ruined it for me.

Do we just hand it to Kobe Wade then? Because like? What the shit? Panda’s Friend doesn’t strike fear in me. It just makes me think of those weird zookeeper videos where they try to feed the pandas and the pandas just latch on to them and do nothing. They’re a nuisance. Kobe Wade drains game winners.

FINAL FOUR

(9) The Process vs (15) Don’t Google (7) Threezus vs (15) Kobe Wade

Brandon

So we’re down to a 7, a 9, and two 15s, just like we all expected. The Process took down a quartet of Hall of Famers with 31 career games under his belt. Don’t Google defeated an arch villain, a drug dealer, a country, and entire continent. Threezus beat Mississippi Bullet which I’m still mad about.

Kobe Wade dismissed Blood Sport like he’s not an actual second degree black belt with a 20–0 lifetime record in kickboxing, then took down an extinct Pterodactyl, a Wave Papi, and a Panda’s Friend. I like to imagine Waiters has been absorbing the powers of each opponent so he now goes by The Panda’s Blood Kobe Wade Papi. That’s gonna be tough to beat.

So that’s our Final Four. How do you see it?

Serge

As much as I like Dion Waiters, any self-anointed nickname can’t be in the finals. It has to be earned. It has to be fought for. My full name is Sergey and in elementary school it sounded out like “Sir” and “Gay,” two words any kids would be embarrassed by. That was my nickname. It stuck. Nothing I tried to give myself as a replacement did. What I’m saying is, the most memorable things are bestowed by The Universe. Give me Dion “The Island” Waiters instead and I’m all in.

Kyle Korver got away from the unfortunate initial nickname of Ashton Kutcher. You have to be really good to have your nickname morph in the zeitgeist. Like, you don’t have to be good at everything, but you have to be exceptional at one thing. And he’s exceptional at threes. Watching Korver shoot threes has healing powers only known to ancient water streams found in the depths of Arizona. He has the restorative and purifying stroke of the waters of Lake Minnetonka. He is Threezus. He’s in the finals.

Brandon

I was initially expecting Threezus out in the first round and a delightful Sunshine vs Young 50 lookalike contest in that little mini-region, but that’s why it’s called Madness. Dion will always and forever be Waiters Island, population 1 and falling. A nickname can’t make the nickname finals if it’s not even a dude’s greatest nickname.

As for Process and Don’t Google, it’s up to Larry Page. If you google “Trust the Process” you get just one hit. It’s a full screen image of The Process reaching out to touch the very finger of God a la Sistene Chapel, but the picture is actually a picture of Embiid’s back because the image is tattooed right on there, and if you squint real close, you notice Tattoo Process has a tattoo on his back too and that tattoo is a tattoo of Tattoo Process touching the finger of God.

Tattception. Joel made it up, it’s a word now. Don’t google. Just trust.

Serge

Man, that was so elaborate I think Aaron Sorkin is calling you about a script. Don’t take anything less than a full $2 million for adaptation rights.

I’m almost willing to concede Don’t Google. Almost. But here’s the way I see it. With Hinkie dying on the second round draft pick hill and building teams composed of guys who only sort of resemble actual basketball players, the Process itself isn’t whole. We have to respect how much Hinkie has bled for this and how he died. Part of this victory is his and it will forever be. That’s what makes Embiid’s nickname such a poetic process.

Also, imagine the first person who googled “Don’t Google.” He was confident. He was full of life. He was ready and he had the misguided belief that Evan Fournier the basketball player was already notorious enough to surpass any other google result by his last name alone. He wasn’t. And so our hero came face to face with the thing that comes up when you google “Fournier,” which, SERIOUSLY, don’t google. The nickname has to live on. For mankind. For one man’s generous sacrifice.

Brandon

I just feel so bad for that poor soul. And also for me. Because I have been outvoted 2–0 in the Final Four and I am ready to concede on both. Don’t Google was not the 15 seed I saw making the finals, but a couple simple rules stopped my favorites from going any further. Kobe Wade was self-anointed and had to go. And The Process is indeed a shared nickname. It is Embiid but it is also Hinkie and the 76ers and Philadelphia and now maybe Sacramento and so much more. The Process is my nickname. It is yours. And that means it can’t win #NBANicknameMadness.

That leaves Threezus and Don’t Google in the finals. You should not google Fournier. But do you know what else you should not google? The Kanye “Famous” video, that’s what. No one needs to see George W. or Donald Trump like that. Did you need Bill Cosby back in your life? Did Taylor Swift need more Kanye? No, no, and no. Vincent Desiderio is rolling over in his Sleep. This is Kanye’s Last Supper, and Threezus is Twelvezus. How can Don’t Google possibly win if he’s not even the thing you should most definitely not google in the matchup?

Threezus is all-encompassing. It has to win.

Serge

I actually have that shot from Famous blown out over my bed. It reminds me to stay humble. I’m with you on this because if “Don’t Google” wins that just means way more people are going to google it in order to confirm or deny our expertise and I do not need that on my conscience. We need it to stop. This basically became a Medium-sponsored PSA to not type F-O-U-R-N-I-E-R into google and our job here is done.

I like Threezus on so many levels. It’s a skill that Kyle Korver is good at. It’s Kanye West, the most irrationally confident human being on the face of this planet. And it’s Jesus, which, depending on how you feel about sampled-soul beats is just a notch above or below Kanye West.

Threezus the nickname is magnificent, it’s dripping with Swagoo, it’s candy paint. It’s spinning rims. It’s Kendrick Lamar on Control. Kyle Korver is the awkward dude who stands in the corner at school dances because he’s too shy to ask someone to a dance. The juxtaposition wins everything. All I need is Kyle Korver to buy a necklace of Kyle Korver shooting a three.

Brandon

That’s it then, that’s our winner. It’s all over.

Trust the Threezus.

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