The Definitive 2017 Midseason NBA League Pass Rankings, Part II

Come for the hoops, stay for the hoops

A lot has changed since the season began three months ago, so it seemed time to update the official League Pass Rankings for the second half of the season.

16 Wins a Ring’s Brandon Anderson and serge Leshchuk were on the case. Check out Part I first if you haven’t yet, then read on for the #13 to #1 countdown…

Good Basketball Isn’t Always Exciting

13. Memphis 12. Portland 11. San Antonio

Brandon: I was watching a stray Grizz game last week and I enjoyed it a lot more than I expected. It’s like going to visit that weird aunt and uncle that you only see once every three years. Yeah it’s a bit backwoodsy and you’re not totally sure what you’re eating, but it’s quaint and it just feels like home.

Conley and Z-Bo just feel like they’ve been Grizzlies forever. I feel like I would love to play basketball with Conley and Marc. They just play the right way and it makes me smile.

serge: Memphis is like a litmus test for how much of a basketball fan you are. There’s a lot there to enjoy, even when the games resemble a cage match between Earth’s deadliest humans. Watching Z-Bo play gives me hope. If someone with a negative vertical can make it this long in the league, it’s truly a testament that you can achieve your goals.

I once wrote a love letter to Marc Gasol and I just keep watching for the hope they read it at halftime. There’s a lot of alliteration in it, I think he might like it.

I think I have the same feeling for the Spurs as many people do for the Warriors. It’s easy to drive fast when you got a nice shiny sports car and the the parts get retooled every few months or so. The Spurs have spent the last 20 years driving a ’90s Miata at top speed with a lot of cosmetics and maintenance work on original parts.

Pop is a genius reinventing his teams, and watching every iteration of Spurs is like reading the next book in an ongoing series. This is what I imagine Harry Potter fans felt like (it is here that I am legally obligated to disclose, under the threat of mortal punishment, that I’ve never read a single Harry Potter book).

BA: I haven’t read HP either, but I did slot the Wizards 24th in my rankings.

I know this is hard to believe, but I think we are underrating the Spurs for the umpteenth straight year. Outside of Kawhi and LMA, is there even a top 100 player on this team? And there they are on a 64-win pace as always, ho hum. Kawhi has taken the next step offensively while being the only great defensive player on one of the best defending teams in the league. How does this just keep happening? I need to watch more Spurs ball. Manu and TP can’t last forever [copied and pasted from the last eight years].

Dame and C.J. are something special to watch when they’re cooking at home, but I just don’t believe in this Portland team. I feel like they really took a step backward with the offseason moves, and that makes it hard to enjoy them.

SL: I really just don’t think Portland are good. They’re completely punting on defense as a fundamental component of basketball. The paid Allan Crabbe and a bunch of other guys to do… something. And they continue to gainfully employ Evan Turner taking on his mid-range revolution.

This team just makes zero sense with two ball-heavy guards, no defense, and God knows what in terms of personality. I think either Dame or C.J. has to go and I think it’s going to be C.J. because no one would ever risk Dame dropping 50 points on you every time you meet in the future.

Great Basketball Isn’t Always Exciting Either

10. Houston 9. Golden State 8. Cleveland

BA: I’ll get hyped for Cavs-Warriors in June, but it’s just not that enthralling watching Golden State blow out their fifth straight opponent in January. These teams are great. We get it. We’ll watch every second for two months straight. But for now, we’re a little bored.

Are we spoiled watching all this great basketball?

SL: I just think it’s predictable. I had a conversation this summer with my astute sports fan friend (that he’s a Pats stan notwithstanding). He said the NBA is boring because you know exactly where it all leads and that we’re basically going to watch seven games of failing limbs, human subtweets, and upwards of three feats of superhuman ability in early June.

I think that’s what it is for some people but if you watch basketball for the entertainment, I guess I can see how Golden State can be considered pure, organic, 100% uncut basketball cocaine (the Spurs are my fix). They’re fun, but they’re also boring precisely because they’re that good. They should be winning 83 games in an 82-game season just by virtue of having four top-20 players on their roster.

I like watching Cleveland way more. Mostly because it’s funny watching an industrial jumbo jet designed to carry Space Shuttles play basketball. We’ve been spoiled with LeBron James and how actually superhuman this is. With all the Marvel movies coming out it’s fitting to remind everyone that James is as close as we may ever come to a real-life Hulk. He’s also on some Tony Soprano shit in Cleveland and each time out is like an HBO mini-series on relationship management.

Hot take: I don’t like the Houston Rockets.

BA: I think I’m most upset with how low you ranked Houston, barely even in your top half. James Harden is incredible, and so is the new and improved Seven Seconds or Less offense under D’Antoni. The Rockets were probably my least favorite team in all the NBA last year with all the Harden flopping and Dwight free throws, but this team is different. They like each other and they’re fun and they play ball like I’ve played NBA 2K the last two decades.

I hated watching Cleveland last year too but they’re a lot more fun now, and Korver adds to the fun. These three teams are all incredible and there are three or four guys here that we’ll never see again. Please stay healthy and give us seven more Cavs-Dubs games in June.

I Can Feel It Coming In the Air Tonight

7. Boston 6. Utah 5. Oklahoma City

BA: This is where we reach the point that I’d enjoy watching these last seven teams play against anyone in the NBA (which still might not count the Nets).

Boston was third in my preseason LP Rankings, so they’ve dropped a bit. I was excited to watch them play dirty hard-nosed defense every night and now they’re, like, not good defensively. That’s disappointing but I’ll still ride for IT and President Brad every day.

I’ve said since summer that the Jazz are the team best-suited to beat the Ws in a playoff series out West so I enjoy keeping an eye on them, but you’re taking this thing next level. Why are the Jazz your #2 League Pass team, and how quickly will they fall once the inevitable injuries start piling up?

SL: No one rides the Utah train harder than my friend Julian. I think they’re #1 for him, but I’ve always liked Utah on so many levels.

I like Gordon Hayward as the rare white guy superstar in the NBA with very unassuming numbers and sexy haircut. He’s the pretty white girl gateway drug into basketball (they had a Buzzfeed post about that once I think which may have exhausted Buzzfeed’s knowledge of the sport).

The rest of this team is just fun. They’re full of unassuming guys who just do their job and play good ball. They move the ball well and play stifling D (pun entirely intended). Also, I am mandated by personal code of ethics to place any team that Boris Diaw plays for into my top five almost by default.

My favorite kind of basketball is selfless, ego-less (this is what disqualifies GSW) basketball that is half-sport half-Shakespearian play unfolding in real time as 19,900 Mormons watch on.

I have a very clear hierarchy of coaches in the NBA in my head and I will fight literally anyone up to Dwayne Johnson if they disagree with me. It goes #1 Pop, #6 Carlisle. The rest of the countdown starts at #10. I leave the five-space gap out of a mix of respect, admiration and a little bit of fear for my life should Pop ever find out where I live (I assume Carlisle already knows because taking that Dallas team to the chip was basically some level 22 Warlock-Necromancer shit).

Brad may be the next in life. Celtics are like the reverse Pacers or Clippers. On paper they shouldn’t do what they’re doing, but it works and they’re humming. Plus IT is incredibly amazing to watch. He’s the feel good, unexpected blockbuster of this season. He’s Ant Man.

Do we even really need to get into much detail on OKC outside of an excuse to make more outrageous metaphors about the way Russell Westbrook plays basketball? It’s like running with the bulls except Westbrook is the bull.

BA: I’m not sure there isn’t a more can’t-miss team in basketball right now than Oklahoma City, who just made me go triple negative because there aren’t human words. Russ could play 1-on-5 (wait, isn’t he?) every night for 82 games and he still might be #1 in my LP Rankings.

I’m not that in on the whole triple double thing cuz base-10 is overrated, but I enjoy watching Russ break the world on the nightly. Plus Jerami Grant dunks even harder than Russ, and Oladipo and Adams are highlight machines too. I literally don’t think it’s possible to watch OKC play any team in the NBA and be disappointed.

It’s inexcusable that you have the Westbrooks outside of your top ten. Russ is going to hunt you down and dunk on you and your children and your children’s grandrobots.

SL: Look, OKC offense is static even at best, but with Russ off the floor it’s actually excruciating. I like watching them, but they’re also the perfect highlight factory team.

You don’t get caught up in the minutiae of the game or get mesmerized by the ball movement on a broken play to salvage it all on a Manu three. You watch OKC for the moments when Russ turns the Venom valve strapped somewhere on his back and cascades down on his NBA opponents with the ferocity of a Mongolian conquering army.

I do cede your point on Steven Adams. The man is a national treasure and I think New Zealand should amend their education bylaws to have a course dedicated strictly to him, though he’s a lot more fun off court and in post-game interviews.

Scary thought: if you were walking down the street and then Steven Adams walking towards you but his sister was walking towards you on the other side of the street, you’d stay on the side Steven was on.

Our Favorite Teams: We Got Next

4. LA Lakers 3. Minnesota

BA: Is this the future of the West right here — Minnesota and old Minnesota? You stole our team and those million championships are all rightfully ours. I’m pretty sure the only lakes in Los Angeles are the endless cerulean pools in Ryan Gosling’s eyes.

SL: As a Canadian, I stand obliged to defend against any slight shade thrown towards our two most prominent sexy Ryans (Gosling and Reynolds), so how dare you sir!

I get a lot of flack for being a Lakers fan in Toronto, but A) I grew up in Eastern Europe where all basketball you watched was the one you could get on VHS so I have a very unnatural love for showtime Lakers and Arvydas Sabonis, and B) we moved to Vancouver a year after the Grizzlies bolted for Memphis which I always took as some sort of personal offense, especially since they got both Gasol brothers, so everything they do seems to be like a personal insult to me. So I had the Lakers.

Last year they weren’t fun. It was a special kind of torture watching Kobe Bryant go out like he did. You’d expect him to take all the criticism of his career and bulldoze over it, but he reinforced the foundation with extra cement and added three more floors to an already opulent abode.

This year they’re actually fun. They pass the ball well and have a lot of young guys who stimulate the imagination in a variety of ways, and also Nick Young. Look, watching Nick Young play basketball makes me feel like that one time I watched anime for the first time. I have no idea what’s going, it’s all happening too fast, there are a lot of pretty colors and someone is yelling somewhere in the background, but damn if it isn’t captivating.

You do have a higher ceiling team though in Minnesota. They got the best possible deal out of the Cavs, even if they had to take on Anthony Bennett and his diet for a year and then lucked out with KAT. What I think doesn’t get enough attention in Minnesota is Ricky Rubio. I get it, everyone else is newer and shinier, but damn, get yourself a man who loves you like Ricky Rubio loves playing basketball.

BA: I spent the last month in North Dakota and that meant a whole lot of Timberwolves. They are both wildly entertaining and incredibly frustrating to watch, all at once. It feels like KAT, Zach, or Wiggins could go for 40 any time they feel like it, but you couldn’t convince these guys to play defense if it was Rihanna and Beyonce they were being asked to guard. Minnesota allows the highest average distance between shooter and defender on 3s in the entire league. The entire lineup was born after Shawshank Redemption! That’s just not going to cut it.

Still, there’s something special brewing and it’s fun to just come along for the ride. Every single first half the Wolves do something incredible and you’re convinced they’re finally turning the corner, and every single second half they remind you that it’s incredibly hard to win NBA games.

It’s fine. They’re young. Trust the proc — wait, actually…

The Freaks

2. Philadelphia 1. Milwaukee

BA: Behold: the future. We got here fast.

How are we collectively so wrong about everything? We spent all offseason drooling over KAT and now Giannis lit the world on fire and Milwaukee is the hot young team, then we got all excited about how Ben Simmons was a combination of LeBron and Magic when it turned out Joel Embiid is actually a combo of Hakeem and Shaq and Mutombo and unicorns and puppies and fire and everything good.

SL: I am legitimately afraid Giannis might not start the All Star Game because people can’t spell or Google or copy-and-paste (which should be rudimentary skills of an undergrad degree). You should be able to vote for him by just tweeting a spider emoji next to a radioactive tub of anything. It’s like watching a found footage superhero movie every night. Imagine if Giannis could consistently hit from three at 35%?

No, don’t imagine that, I don’t want to give you nightmares.

Then there’s Joel Embiid, who I’m out of words to describe at this point. This man is like real-life basketball, 2k, and the best parts of the internet all rolled into one seven-foot human being. He’s ridiculously good for someone his size and he’s playing on a minutes restriction. Brett Brown has to feel like Scarlett Johansson in Age of Ultron having to constantly chase down the Hulk and calm him down from going completely berserk and destroying the Earth.

What makes it even better is how self-aware he is. He has no time for subtweets or subtleties, so every moment with Joel is a genuine pleasure. The country that voted Trump president doesn’t deserve this… But he might just be the shining beacon at the end of the 2020 tunnel.

BA: I remember our first Vikings season with Adrian Peterson where we would literally all hold our collective breath every time he got tackled and pray he was okay. I feel like we are there with Embiid. This is the player we were supposed to get with Greg Oden. I’ll never know for sure if Oden’s skills would’ve worked in the pace-and-space era, but I’m positive his gregarious personality was ready to take over the league.

Embiid might have come into the league at the exact perfect time. He’s single handedly saving the big man position, and everything he touches on social media turns to gold. I’ve never met such a self-aware 22-year-old in my entire life.

Imagine if Ben Simmons is actually good too. I was sure they’d shut him down for the season and coast toward another top-3 pick, but I don’t think you can stop this momentum now. I just hope they can figure out how to use Nerlens Noel, and they better keep T.J. McConnell around. After years of despising Matthew Dellavedova and Kirk Hinrich, I finally found a scrappy white point guard I like.

Speaking of scrappy and white, the fans in Milwaukee have to be ecstatic. Giannis is unlike anything I’ve ever seen in a sport before. At least twice a game he’ll be jumping in the lane and I think he’s going to pass or shoot a runner and then he just stretches out his go-go-Gadget arms and dunks it like it’s nothing.

Remember when Minnesota drafted Jonny Flynn and Shabazz Muhammad the picks immediately before Stephen Curry and Giannis Antetokounmpo?

I’m going to need a good shower cry now. Take us home.

SL: Wait, you didn’t like Captain Kirk? I used to salute the TV every time he scored in the later years when he was mostly into modelling whatever new shooting sleeve or goggle accessory was on the market. He’s like the shining scrappy white guy beacon.

This Philly team is going to be so fun if Simmons is any good at all and they can find shooting literally anywhere. If you’re a dude with a stroke you should be gearing up for a drive to Pennsylvania because they need you. Joel needs you (gets in own car, checks if passport still valid).

You can’t let missing on some good picks turn you into an emotional mess, look at Vivek, it’s basically Sacramento team policy at this point. All I’m saying is, while not the Bucks or Sixers, that Wolves team is going to be really good really fast once they get past the growing pains.

They should bring back Andre Miller on a vet minimum for some leadership and decorum classes every Wednesday after practice. Someone should bring back Andre Miller. That team will automatically be my top 5 and we’ll have to rewrite this whole damn article.