The Never-Ending Cycle of Shame And Sex
Is sex education damaging or are we just being hypocritical?
A few days ago, my 17-year-old daughter asked me a question that left me speechless. “Mum, why can’t we talk about sex without being called a slut?”
Like most parents, the first thing that came to my mind was, “at 17, you’re already thinking about sex?” But then it hit me; obviously, I’m one of those parents who introduce shame around sex as a topic, and make it difficult for our daughters to accept sex as a part of adolescence.
I thought carefully about how to reply to my daughter without prejudice, but my brain came out blank. As a single mum raised by devoted Christian parents, expressing my sexuality always feels like it comes with a frown attached.
I mumbled on and on why she should avoid sex at such a young age but never gave an answer to her question because I did not have a logical explanation or reason for my argument that did not somehow base itself in religion, or in my own religious upbringing.
Sex is prevalent in our modern culture. It’s everywhere: in commercials, movies, music, and on social media. It’s shoved in our faces.
However, uttering the word sex is often accompanied by shame and discomfort when you are in a group of people, or even worse when you are with your parents. Sex has historically been associated with unpleasant, inappropriate, and immoral things. This is ironic, considering how much most of us enjoy it.
Some people are afraid of being judged for expressing their sexuality or sexual preferences. In fact, it is considered taboo to talk about menstruation, contraception, etc. in some Asian countries, let alone sexual intercourse.
The shame surrounding topics such as sex and sexuality is the root cause of the increasing incidence of sexual abuse in different parts of the world, and it’s the responsibility of adults to educate young people to protect themselves from such abuse.
Women are slut-shamed more than men
Religion had a lot of influence on the suppression of sex topics in the past. Sex was and still is for many, a sacred act between a man and a woman who have made a bond to be with each other for the rest of their lives.
For centuries, the concept of a woman’s virginity correlated with the perceived purity of her body. A woman’s body was seen as pure until she gave herself to a man in marriage.
This idea is still widely followed by people in countries where under religious tradition, women have been taught to protect their virginity and only surrender it to their husbands after marriage.
And the religious view of marriage, which is the sacred bond of all relationships, justifies sex as a marital ritual used both to satisfy spouses and to continue their lineage by having children.
In ancient times, men were allowed to have various sexual relationships with other women, but their wives were stuck with the sole idea of pleasing only their husbands and patiently keeping their sexual desires at bay.
Sadly, these outdated beliefs are so ingrained in women’s minds that they may feel powerless over their own bodies. They almost reluctantly let their men take the reins, even when the desire for sex screams inside. This guilt around sex has been a part of women’s lives for years, and even now, even as women take more power over their own sexuality, there are still little glimpses and flashes of guilt over owning the needs of their bodies.
As time has marched on, women have now taken control of their lives, careers, choices, and bodies. Women have rejected chauvinistic claims of body purity and argued that they have authority over their own bodies. After all, a good woman is not defined by her decision to preserve her virginity until marriage but by her kindness, humility, and maturity.
Sexual awakening begins at 3
Sexuality is much more complex than the biological changes that occur during adolescence. Cognitive, emotional, social, and moral development are all aspects of sexuality and this begins at a young age. From the age of 3, children begin to develop negative or positive attitudes towards their own bodies depending on the kind of touch they receive from their family.
Through nurturing their bodies, they learn to value themselves and what it means to be loved. They discover their genitals and begin to touch themselves for pleasure. (Children this age do not generally masturbate to orgasm).
How we educate our children on different body parts contributes to their sexual awareness in the long term. For example, we say things like “This is your head,” “This is your stomach,” ‘This is your leg,” and then when discussing their private parts, we say, “This is your wee-wee.”
Do we have crazy nicknames for head, stomach, and leg? No. When we use baby talk about genitalia, we are sending a message that genitals are not really part of the body, they are nameless, and they are different. And children may get curious to know why their genitals have no proper name.
As their curiosity grows, so does the awareness of their body and how it functions. Sex play becomes an act. This is completely normal. It is another way for children to learn about their own bodies and that of others by playing with dolls and imitating adult behavior. It is common to see children peeking out from under other people’s clothing, undressing their dolls, and looking at the bottoms of their pets.
By the age of 9, children are highly developed intellectually and, for the first time, can understand all the basic facts about sex, conception, pregnancy, and the birth process. They still do not understand the emotional and erotic feelings that accompany sexuality. They may understand sex and conception very well, but they tend to assume that their parents only had sex for the purpose of having children.
Children begin to adapt to the clothing style and speech of their peers. At this age, boys experience more pressure than girls to meet gender role expectations in terms of choosing toys, hobbies, clothing, and hairstyles. Masturbation is quite common at this age. As with younger children, children this age do not masturbate to orgasm, only touching their genitals for pleasure or comfort.
Children within this age group can whisper, say out loud, or write sexual words. There is also an interest in sexual jokes. Children know that adults tend to find this type of behavior unacceptable, so they will not do it in their presence. (If you ever come across a group of 6 to 9-year-olds laughing but suddenly stops, it’s most likely they were discussing something that has to do with sex).
There is no shame in talking about sex
Sexuality can be a lonely burden to carry in a society that outwardly pretends it doesn’t exist. And for many curious teens, the first place they could explore the contours of their desires and realize that it was okay to be themselves is the internet.
The internet has revolutionized almost every aspect of romance and sex, from how we meet to how we fall in love and how we have sex. It is without a doubt the greatest power to change human sexuality.
The systemic description of sex has a lot to do with inequality and social control. We constantly associate sex and its conversations with bad morals, and those who explicitly express their needs feel ashamed. In many cases, we are even embarrassed by such urges because of what we were taught as children.
Every one of us is the product of a sexual act, so I don’t see how some people come to judge others based on their opinions about sex. I think it’s a shame that our society still finds sex a threat that you have to be 18 to see a woman’s breasts in a movie, whereas a movie full of violence can be rated PG-13, or even PG if the killing is in a cartoon.
How do we justify this logic?
Violence is equivalent to harming others. Sex, at least consensually, is between couples. I can’t help but smell hypocrisy in comparing the two.
Whether we talk about it or not, we continue to have sex. But if we don’t talk about it with young people, they may not be completely comfortable with our decision to do so, or when and why. It is not just a moral dilemma. It is also a health problem.
This is a reason why abstinence-only sex education is not effective. If you are not aware of the consequences of sex, you could face some life-changing decisions and irreversible damages. If you are not properly educated about sex, you are irresponsible with yourself, and the only way to get educated is to talk about it with others.
Comprehensive sex education — teaching consent, involving parents in sex education, non-judgmental, sexually positive doctors and open discussion around appropriate use of contraception are some of the many ways to raise awareness about sexuality.
The changes should start now to create a modern and free society. What we need now is to sit down together and engage in an inclusive dialogue about sex and sexuality: because this is too crucial a topic to keep a secret.
