The natural seasons that every relationship passes through

All relationships go through a number of stages and phases. Navigating them takes embracing the ride and understanding the journey.

by: E.B. Johnson

Though we traditionally think of love as teddy bears and boxes of chocolate, modern love is a strange and complex thing, full of all kinds of up’s and down’s and in-between’s. Healthy partnerships require communication, respect and a lot of mindful intent, but they also require embracing the natural disruptions and hardships that are a part of the process. Only when we learn how to understand the seasons of our relationships can we commit to them honestly, earnestly and in good faith.

If you want a relationship that can stand the test of time, you have to work hard to understand the natural phases that dictate the passage of that relationship over time. Though we would like to believe in the Hollywood ideal of love, honeymoon’s don’t last forever and every relationship holds heartbreak. What really matters is that we learn how to mitigate that heartbreak and embrace the romantic journey for what it is. From spring to summer, autumn to winter — our relationships are constantly shifting and changing. It’s our job to learn how to weather that storm.

The reality of modern day relationships.

When we think of love, we think about it as this ethereal thing that just to happens to us — like a lightening strike or a hurricane. We act as though we have no control over our love and we let it come and go (and wreck our lives and our wellbeing) as it pleases. Love is conscious choice we make, not a magical gift that’s bestowed upon us. It takes work to make love blossom, and it always takes effort to keep it around.

Every relationship has its low points, and conflict is an unavoidable part of life. Since we can’t avoid disagreements, the best thing we can do for ourselves (and our loved ones) is learn how to handle those hard points with integrity and respect. Through these means, we can find the common ground we need to compromise without giving away too much of who we are or what we need to find fulfillment.

More than the obsession and the butterflies we feel during those first few encounters, love is all about choosing to accept and support someone in the life choices they choose to make. Loving someone can be easy or hard, depending on what we make of it, but it’s a long game that that’s a steady hand and commitment. Good love should never take more work than you can happily give, though.It’s a tightrope walk that you have to constantly be aware of. Love isn’t fluffy, it takes a lot of work, but it makes us better for it.

The 4 seasons of every relationship.

All relationships go through a number of shifts and changes, and (just like the weather) have their own unique seasons and phases that stretch us and grow us uniquely in their own way. These seasons each have their own rhythm, but all contain elements of both harmony and discord. Creating truly fulfilling relationships requires embracing these changes and accepting them for what they are; so that we are better able to grow together, rather than apart.

Spring

Spring is the first season of any relationship and is often the happiest and most harmonious. This romantic timeframe signals the birth of a new relationship, and the exploration of all the exciting and new aspects of that relationship. During this time, we learn more about both ourselves and our partners, delighting in all the firsts like first kisses, meeting our friends, and traveling together for the first time. We’re hungry for the other person during this season of a relationship, and more willing to look past those things which might otherwise give us pause.

Summer

Often referred to as the “honeymoon period”, during this phase of our partnerships our other halves can generally do no wrong. Much as we look past the red-flags in the spring of a new romance, we work hard to put our partners on a pedestal during the summer of that same budding relationship. We excuse little things that annoy us, and sweep major conflicts or upsets under the rug in attempt to keep the peace and the intimacy flowing. It’s a time of rose-colored glasses, and an opportunity to make happy memories that sustain you both through the hard times.

Autumn

Here in the physical world, autumn signals a time of death but also of rebirth. The same goes for our relationships when they enter this phase of growth, and the cracks begin to show. When our relationships shift into this later stage, we start to see our partner’s flaws and faults for what they are, and we begin to find ourselves dealing with more complex emotions than we might otherwise have battled at the start of our relationship. This is the point at which the nagging often starts, or the bickering and fighting that leads to judgement, arguments, withholding and cold shoulders. It’s the first warning horn of the winter to come.

Winter

Though we may try to forever raise our partners up on a pedestal of perfection, that’s an impossible standard to achieve. Entering the winter of our relationships, we start to let go of this need to see them only in the best light. We often explode, and for the first time we truly reveal the depth of our feelings, emotions and authentic reactions with our partners. For partners who are prepared for this period, it can be a time of transformative growth and bonding. For those who aren’t — it can be a time of lashing out, mud slinging, belittling and worse.

Why we have to embrace the ups and downs.

The brutal truth about it all is this: if we want relationships that are worth our time, we have to learn how to accept and embrace the ups and the downs of it all. This isn’t easy, but it’s necessary, and it’s one of the most transformative gifts we can give to ourselves. When you learn how to accept your relationship, you learn (in part) how to accept yourself, and that’s a truly beautiful and powerful tool to hold in these tough times.

You still care

Conflict or passionate disagreement can be a signal that both partners still care and are still invested in making the relationship better. It can also be a great tool for growth when wielded correctly, and a catalyst for true and beneficial change. All couples fight. It’s when one (or both) parties give up altogether that the real worry should set in. Silence means neither party cares enough to work on the relationship, and it means that they no longer wish to share who they are or how they’re feeling.

Building better bridges

Embracing the changes in our partnerships for what they are allows us to build better bridges of connection between ourselves and our partners. When we bridge the gaps we feel between ourselves and our spouses, we can establish greater trust and find that passion and security we once held in the beginning. Emotional connectedness is important, and that connectedness comes from working together towards shared causes. It creates space in a realtionship, but the kind of space that allows us to be connected rather than separated.

Creating a support network

The one good thing about facing difficulty, adversity and the “winter” of our relationships is that it brings us together in truly special ways. Overcoming has an uncanny way of bringing us together, and bonding us in ways that are both lasting and meaningful. By committing to work on and through our relationships, we’re actually building up the foundation of a support network that will follow us through this life; up and down, good and bad.

How to embrace the natural cycles of your relationship.

Once you’ve embrace the natural seasons of your relationship, you can begin to formulate a plan to make things last. By getting proactive, and applying some basic techniques — you can create a partnership that both you and your significant other can be proud of. Stop letting disruptions, hurt feelings and battered expectations get you down. Drop the blame game and embrace the change, so you can build a stable foundation of love, passion and respect that stands the test of time.

1. Be at peace with change

Out of all the things that exist in this world, change is the only consistency on which we can rely. Modern life is crazy, moving at a fast pace that makes it hard to keep up, let alone control. Just as life changes, our relationships change too, so in order to find true peace within them we have to learn how to embrace change in its entirety. Change is the waters by which we nourish our souls and empower ourselves to grow. A critical part of any partnership, when we start accepting these changes we can create stable, fulfilling relationships that have the power to survive any season or storm.

Be at peace with change, and accept that who you are now will not be who you are in 10 years. Apply this same knowledge to your partner, and open your arms to loving for who they are now, and who they will become later on down the line. The things we want, the things we desire — all of these things shift and grow along with us. Embrace this and know that change is an inevitable part of any relationship. Look at it as a new opportunity to love new facets of yourself and those around you.

Granting ourselves this sort of radical acceptance allows us to relax into the ride that is a romantic partnership. As you both flit and float through spring, summer, autumn and fall, you’ll be able to do so easily, and with the secure knowledge that your partner will still be there with you at the finish line. In this acceptance, there is peace; and in peace there is security. Know your seasons and know that all change, though consistent, is impermanent. We all grow through rough patches, and we all learn how to stand again when we give ourselves the space and time to do so.

2. Turn any new issues into shared dilemmas

It’s no secret that life is hard, and it’s probably no surprise to anyone that relationships are even harder. Managing the thoughts, emotions, hopes and desires of one person is difficult enough, but it becomes that much more difficult when you add layers of compromise and the desires of another person. If your relationship is passing through the hard seasons, learn how to work on your difficulties through these layers. Turn your issues and difficulties into shared dilemmas that can be worked on and worked out together.

Rather than withdrawing into yourself when you’re up against a wall, reach out to your partner and work out your issues together. Address hurt feelings up front, and bring to light any changes that you feel need to be addressed or otherwise examined. The purpose of being in a relationship is to have someone to build a shared tomorrow with. That requires the effort of both partners, and a splitting of both the emotional and physical burdens.

It can be hard to reach out to our partners and spouses, especially when we’re stuck in the throes of winter. It’s important, though, that we keep sight of those goals that we’re working toward together, and stay focused on the ultimate dream we’re trying to build. Living in this modern world is no small feat and, for many of us, it’s easier when the burden of that journey is shared. Open up to your other half, and let them know when times are tough or things are getting too hard to handle. Share your issues and address them with the power of two in order to bond, connect and conquer the issues that spring up between you both.

3. Release your judgements

As humans, we’re incredibly judgemental creatures with a number of hangups that can make it hard for us to see beyond to the easy resolutions at hand. We like to compare ourselves to others, and we like to compare others against our own personal standards and ideologies. This doesn’t work, however, when trying to create a life with someone. Understanding that people change isn’t enough, you have to let go of any preconceived expectations or judgements in order to love them fully for who they are and what they have to offer.

Forget any idea of who you thought your partner would be, and let go of any notion that you can change them or shape them for the better. True love doesn’t mean moulding someone. That’s what sculpture is for. It means opening up your heart and letting go of your judgements; it means understanding that the other person standing across from you is their own individual, under their own individual impressions and perspectives.

Let go of that desperate need to judge or dictate, and be honored to be a spectator on someone else’s journey. The only person we can change is ourselves, but we can learn to accept anyone for who they are and what they want from their own life. Embrace your partner for the fullness of who they are and who they will become, and understand that they are under no obligation to live up to your personal tastes or expectations. We each have our own journey to take, even when we’re on a journey with someone else, and that journey must be respected if you’re looking to create a stable and fulfilling relationship.

4. Drop the blame game

Many of us fear failure of our relationships because we fear the shame associated with such a devastating outcome. When we fail to do something we want, or we fail to accomplish something others want for us, it can cause us to feel shameful about ourselves or shameful about our skills and accomplishments. Failure (in any shape) is an insecurity trigger, but we have to drop the blame game if we want to truly connect with our partner on real and meaningful level. When we let go of our need to blame, we can get proactive about the real work that needs to be done.

Overcome these fears and drop the blame game. Blame holds us and our partners back from things we deserve and causes us to deny ourselves opportunities that would otherwise lead to growth and transformation for us both. Let go of your need to place the fault at someone’s door and truly ingest the fact that life just happens sometimes. We aren’t the sum of our behaviors, we’re the sum of our experiences and that comes down to our authentic sense of self at play.

Let your partner be who they are and allow for mistakes and missteps along the way. Just as you are doing the best you can to do well, know that they are working to the same goals. Eliminate those worries you can’t control or change. Terminate that need to raise your partner up on a pedestal and let go of any expectations you might have held against them. It’s impossible to live up to the ideals of perfection we have brewing in our heads. Use you understanding and compassion to tap into that sense of release you need. Let go of the blame and focus on the solutions you both need to find.

5. Know that problems don’t go away

Relationship issues don’t magically go away over time. Though they might be difficult, uncomfortable and even painful — the conflict and hardships that we encounter as partners only worsen when they are ignored, buried or otherwise cast to the side. We have to confront any shifts in our relationships that leave us feeling off-kilter. We have to learn to be honest with our partners, and honest with ourselves, so that we can address hurts and find pathways to healing as quickly as possible.

When problems arise, address them promptly and do it upfront. Let go of all that passive-aggression and stop forcing things under the rug. Be as up front with your partner or spouse as you would expect them to be with you. The issues in our relationships don’t just disappear if we ignore them long enough. Have a talk. Even if it’s the hardest thing in the world to do.

It’s important to note here that not all problems can be resolved, despite our best interests or efforts. Part of change is that, sometimes, that change is negative. If the issues in your relationship become violent, physical, dangerous or otherwise self-destructive in any way, it’s time to take a step back and reassess how worthwhile that relationship is. If you’ve found yourself becoming a victim of abuse, or you just find that the things you both want from life have diverged too greatly — address it, and address it now. Don’t wait until you’re lost, stuck or worse. A prompt exit is often the best exit.

6. Get ready to work

All relationships are work. Though some patches might come easier than others, every aspect of “staying together” takes regular maintenance and commitment. From the time that we wake up in the morning to the time we go to bed at night, we have to really commit to our partners and the lives we are building together. That means talking it out. Staying up late. Getting up early. Going to concerts that we don’t like the look of. Laughing. Crying. It’s a tough road, but a worthwhile one when you learn how to weather the storm.

Before you and your partner find yourself up against the crunch, assess where you’re at and where you want to go. Be brutally honest with one another, and truly acknowledge whether or not your longterm goals (of a house, a career, or a family) are aligned and in-sync. If you’re not working toward the same things, you won’t be able to work through things when times get hard. Stabilize your foundation before the earthquake hits, and really get to know what it is you each want from one another and this life together.

Once you both know what you want, work together to determine how to get there. This isn’t a process that happens over night, and there’s certainly no template for getting it all together. Take your time (with your plans and with one another) and know that you don’t have to figure it out all at once. Commit to the process, and commit to the good times and the bad times. Know that you’ll both survive it because you have one another and open your arms wide to the ride. A journey shared is a more pleasant one altogether, but you’ll both have to work from time to time to make sure things keep moving along.

Putting it all together…

All relationships go through various forms of flux and change as time passes. There are four seasons of every relationship and, though some are more pleasant than others, all take focus and work to create partnerships that are both stable and fulfilling. Only when we embrace these seasons of change can we learn to embrace not only ourselves, but our partners too; then, now and in the future. Passion and romance don’t linger forever, but given the chance they can bloom again. The only thing that’s consistent in this life is change, so by accepting that change within our relationships, we can create lasting connections that both give us joy and survive the test of time.

Embrace change as a natural part of your relationship, and embrace your partner for who they are now and who they might be two or three seasons from now. Share your issues, and help split the burden of this life with the partner on whom you can rely and trust when things get difficult. We, as individuals are constantly in flux; embrace that flux and let go of any judgements or preconceived expectations of what could be or will be. Blaming our partner for their faults, or blaming them for changing, is pointless. Drop the blame game and focus on finding solutions when things are strained between you. Build bridges, not walls, and know that any issues that arise in your relationship can only be dealt with by dealing with them. Address things up front and be honest about how you’re feeling and what you need. Relationships take work, especially if you plan on keeping them alive. Get committed to the cause and roll up your sleeves. Decide if your relationship is worth saving and then save it, by putting in the commitment it needs every single day. No exceptions.