The Most Common Root ‘Issue’ I See In Low Self-Esteem Clients
If you are struggling with low self-esteem, odds are, this may be the reason.
Mental health is not talked about enough. As a result, many people you know are probably walking around right now with a very negative sense of self. Some know they are. Others have no idea.
What’s more — the consequences of people living their lives with a low self-esteem are evident. Poor productivity in the workplace leads to high employee turnover. Poor performance leads to poor product development. Poor designs leads to a poor quality of life. A poor quality of life, to a poor life lived.
I could go on about the importance of self-esteem and how it affects us all.
Still, many “self-help” gurus don’t provide an adequate response at all. Although testimonies and personal wisdom are all sound arguments for case conceptualization, my response is always the same: Are they based on science? Are these methods tried and tested or just personal? Although testimonies are one way to gather evidence, I prefer a combination of both.
Signs of a Low Self-Esteem
Self-esteem can be defined as the way one views oneself — or, general confidence in one’s ability to accomplish a task based on one’s perception of one’s value and personal worth.
Here are other signs of low self-esteem:
- feels unloved, unappreciated, and undervalued by others
- is sensitive to criticism and may become physically aggressive or hostile when provoked
- is prone to social comparison and social withdrawal
- lack of empathy and excessive preoccupation with one’s personal problems
- codependence on other’s approval, feedback or opinions
- is overly fearful of failure, and casts doubts on personal abilities
- very little (or too much) emphasis on self-care and one’s personal appearance and hygiene
Factors Influencing Self-Esteem
That said, there are many factors that can affect one’s self-esteem: from physical appearance, to family environment, to self-beliefs.
Usually when I notice that my client may be showing symptoms of low self-esteem, I’ll show them this graphic organizer and have them rate themselves on scale of 1–10, with 10 being ‘most fulfilled.’ The results almost always stem from one particular factor… Can you guess which one? Take a look.
The Most Common Underlying “Root” Issue
The need to get ‘approval’ from others.
When completing this assessment with others, almost always it’ll fall under “family environment” or “feedback from other people.” What’s more, even when another factor is chosen, it can be traced back to one of these two.
Their interconnectedness is clear:
- Self-Beliefs: poor views of self and self-doubting personal abilities — from that one time I was 5 years old and my aunt told me I would never amount to anything.
- Personal Aspirations: little to no goals set for life — because my teacher told me I would never excel in math, a key course on the pathway to becoming an engineer.
- Physical Appearance: excessive (or little) preoccupation with one’s appearance — now that my little sister will always be the star of the show, and for whatever reason my nose just didn’t come out as small as hers.
Every time I tried having a discussion about each of these factors with my clients, the topic of conversation always returned to this root: the need to get approval from others, excessive preoccupation with other people’s opinion, constant comparison with others, and withdrawing from others or not caring about other people’s wellbeing, due to having a negative sense of self.
Instead of seeking approval, love, and forgiveness from others, seek approval, love, and forgiveness from yourself.
Antidote To Having A Low Self-Esteem
To counteract a low self-esteem, we need to confront our negative thoughts by discovering where they emerged from in the first place. Was it something that someone said? How old were you? Have other people provided the same feedback since then? How does it affect you to this day?
Step 1: Learn Self-Acceptance
The first step is to recognize your personal strengths and learn to value and love yourself. This piece also includes adding a bit of gratitude and forgiveness back into your life.
- What are 3 things (events, life, people) you are grateful for?
- What are 3 things you are good at (talents, hobbies, strengths, skills)?
- How would you describe yourself (in 3 adjectives)?
- What mistake from your past do you need help letting go?
- Name one person who hurt you, and how you plan to forgive them.
Step 2: Practice Self-Care
Next, begin to make arrangements to practice self-care and ways you can cope with life’s stress. Instead of depending on others to care for you and seeking their approval — learn to give that love and care to yourself by yourself. Although this may sound counterintuitive, people are naturally attracted to those in good health. A second reason is that one’s ability to love can be deduced based on how good you are at loving yourself.
In the end, people end up with two very valid arguments: why should I love you when you don’t even love yourself and how can you say you love me if you don’t even love yourself.
- Treat and reward yourself when you accomplish a task
- Set up a daily routine that includes adequate sleeping, eating, hygiene, cleaning, and exercise
- Learn something new today (hobby, language, travel, read a book)
- Seek help from a professional in your neighborhood (therapist, community services, church)
- Say positive affirmations of yourself (I can, I will, I do, I am) every morning when you wake up. At night, say them again based on what you learned that day (I learned, I did, I accomplished, I will, I am).
Step 3: Develop Self-Efficacy
The final step that can help with building self-esteem is to learn to be resilient and recover back from challenges. This includes not giving up when step 1 doesn’t work, or lacking motivation during step 2. Think big about what you want to accomplish in your life and learn ways to stay active, even when you don’t feel like it.
Essentially — instead of stressing and putting too much thought into past mistakes, learn to do the opposite and put your drive and energy into your successes, not your failures.
Here are 4 ways to build self-efficacy:
- Mastery Experiences: Progressively accomplish short-term goals (and celebrate them!), on the path to completing a long-term goal
- Social Modeling: Watch people similar to you (perhaps on social media) accomplish their goals in life, and realize that if they can do it, so can you!
- Social Persuasion: Surround yourself with people who do love you and approve of you instead of worrying about those who reject you
- Physiological State: Change your thoughts and your behavior — do things that promote a positive attitude towards yourself (attending a conference or concert, updating your resume or social media, dressing up for an appointment or a date)
Final Thoughts
Many people struggle with a low self-esteem. From negative thoughts, to having a poor self-image, there are many factors that influence self-esteem. The most common source I’ve found, however, stems from issues of building and maintaining relationships in the social domain of life.
Remember, to counteract this, it’s important to put thought into things you can control and not fall into a pattern of helplessness and hopelessness. You can do this by learning to accept, forgive, and love yourself, practicing self-care, and developing self-efficacy in everything you do.
