The Most Annoying Texting Mistakes Single Men Make (According to 34K Women Tired of this Crap)
I joined an all-women Facebook dating group to learn the most common dating app mistakes men make when texting.
If you ever want a bird's-eye view of modern love, just join an all-women's Facebook group. While social media has become the devil's abandoned lovechild, there's a certain solidarity in sharing your trials and tribulations.
And nothing is more trying than dating apps. I am on several FB dating groups, but one has burgeoned to 34K members with over a dozen daily posts.
For the past four months, I have used my research skills to note the most cringe-worthy texting mistakes women complain about.
Mistake #1: Bending the plot curve
If I had one lousy virtual Hinge rose for every guy who made a sexual innuendo before we met, I might stop calling roses that "ghastly flower that smells like death."
Gentlemen, here is a simple rule. If you wouldn’t say it to a ten-year-old, don’t say it to a woman you have not met yet. Sure, the plot curve changes after you meet and is different for everyone. But before the date, stop sending creeper vibes with your gross sexual propositions. She doesn't even know your real height yet, so she certainly doesn't know if she will get naked with you.
Men often complain that a woman opens the floodgates with some naughty double entendre. Yeah, so that is what I call "a cherry bomb test." Pay attention, Gentlemen. This one will have the trolls sharpening their claws.
Women often throw out bright red sexual innuendoes for different reasons than men do. We are trying to gauge whether you are a player. I know. I know. It's dirty pool. But it works for a reason. An emotionally intelligent man sidesteps the cherry bomb. An eager beaver desperate to get his wood picks up the cherry bomb and runs with it. Don't be that guy with shrapnel exploding in his face.
Mistake #2: Ordering sushi at an Italian restaurant
This mistake is right up there with misspelling "women" and wearing socks with sandals. It's also a personal pet peeve.
My profile clearly states that I am looking for a long-term relationship. Men can read the fine print or not. Most men don't.
Instead, they proposition me with casual sex like there is an 1800 number in my dating profile. I first found it mildly insulting until I realized they were throwing shit on every wall to see which STD sticks.
Gentlemen, would you order sushi at an Italian restaurant? Sorry, but sushi isn't on the menu. I am offering you Italian meatballs. Delicious home-cooked, succulent, round, mouth-watering… (Ok, Ok…I will behave.)
So here's the deal for the men who skipped third-grade biology. Women control sexual selection. I am not sure why so many men refuse to accept this fact. My male friends are lucky to get three Tinder matches a week. My female friends are inundated with hundreds of matches per week, and men ask them out daily. Men can think they control sex, but wishing won't make biology untrue.
Smart men have figured out the science bits ages ago. Be the smart guy. If you want casual sex, find a woman offering it. The only dogs barking up the wrong tree are the sad, howling, desperate ones.
Mistake #3: Using a sundial to confirm a date
A pretty feisty discussion erupted when a woman posted about an unconfirmed date. Her date was set with a time and place for Thursday. She had last spoken to her gentleman caller on Monday. She asked the group if she should assume the date was off.
Almost every woman offered condolences, told her to take herself out to dinner, and then spewed the usual "If he wanted to, he would" smug advice. (Yes, it is smug to say that to someone. Knock that shit off, bitter ones.)
Her crush finally confirmed after she posted, and they had a fabulous date. But the lesson is clear. These two love birds almost flew out of each other's life because neither one had enough courage to say the simple words, "Hey, are we still on for tonight?"
First, the person who asked the person out should confirm the day before. You are the one who has requested someone give up their valuable time. Have enough class to respect their schedule. It takes less than 30 seconds.
But please, if you are on the other end, don't sit around waiting to know if you have a date. Just ask. Or send your messenger pigeons out with an RSVP.
Mistake #4: Playing fetch with a cat
The number one complaint women make about texting is men wax poetic about themselves without asking a single question back. Here's some basic advice on how to up your texting game.
Recently, a reader emailed me and said texting is not his strength, but he has no problem conversing in real life. Consequently, he found connections kept fizzling out, but if he could get to the first date…he was in.
Lots of people fall into this category. Maybe he has dyslexia. Maybe he is brilliant, and English isn't his first language. Maybe his thumbs were amputated while saving a kitten from a feral bear. Who knows.
But Gentlemen, if texting isn't your pimp hand, here's my advice. Meet early. Because the more you bore her with your texting, the less likely she is to go out with you. And if you really want to be vulnerable and you sense she has the emotional intelligence to handle it. Simply say;
“I am not much of a texter. I prefer to have conversations in person. If you are comfortable meeting soon, I would love to meet for a (drink, coffee, dinner, tango in the park, etc.)”
That tells her not to interpret your reticence as indifference. Because I tell ya…women are really good at connecting the dots. If you are not asking her questions or texting back, she will assume you are not interested and move on to someone who is.
Mistake #5: Getting meta about dating apps
Dating apps may have killed romance but talking about dating apps while on a dating app has to be the hill flirtation dies on. Examples include;
- So how do you like this dating app?
- How long have you been on this dating app?
- What other dating apps are you on?
- How do you use the XYZ function on this dating app? (Guilty!)
- Making references to how dating apps suck on your sucky dating app profile
The biggest problem with these openers is everyone knows dating apps are commodified, manipulative mindfucks that our grandchildren will laugh about later. So, drawing attention to that fact only starts the conversation in a negative hole you must dig yourself out of. You want her to focus on YOU, not the dating app and all the other guys she meets on dating apps.
Think of flirting as creating a master artwork. Do you want the viewer to focus on your chosen canvas or what you created on that canvas? Get some damn paint on the canvas first.
Besides, you have plenty of time to joke about how much dating apps suck…after you spend blissful days naked in bed, laughing at those suckers still on dating apps.
Mistake #6: Not color-coding your dating spreadsheets
Oh, the ladies spit flames on this one. I recently had this happen to me. A guy kept making references to text conversations we never had. It was comical in a sad clown sort of way. The third time he did it, I said, "I think you are having trouble keeping your dates straight, and I am looking for someone more organized since I am not." (True. My messy desk and piles of unpaid bills reveal my adulting skills.)
There's nothing sexy about a serial dater. When a guy starts sending out "the numbers game" vibes, I look to see how blistered his swiping thumb is.
First, passionate people don't have time to make a career out of dating. They have too many friends, hobbies, and adventures planned to spend all their time dating.
Second, if your memory isn’t strong enough to keep your women straight, maybe you shouldn't be multitasking. Just sayin'.
Or better yet, use a color-coded spreadsheet or invent mnemonic devices to remember who is who. Lexie is the sexy one. Diana is the goddess with long hair and silver moon eyes. Alex is the rambunctious one who might go all Fatal Attraction on you. You get the point. Keep em' straight!
Women also complained about the usual dating app nonsense — not filling out your profile, negging, fishes, photos with children (please don't), and the great emancipator…bathroom selfies. But most men (and women) have graduated from these mistakes and found new ways to f*ck up modern love.
And I have made many of these mistakes too. When I first joined dating apps, I would ask men tech questions like some pathetic Luddite learning how to work the remote control. We can all do better.
And it starts really simple — don't do on a dating app what you wouldn't do in real life. There's a person behind that swipe. Because I promise you if you treat online connections like real people, they will become more real.
