Humor/Satire

The Methodist Church Is Splitting Over Gays But Not Booze or Gold

Leave it to Texas to turn back time

Oh, Texas.

Every time I prepare to write a new story, something else necessitates attention. And I’m tired of it being about Texas.

That happened last night at 12:30 am when I was just at the end of reading my news feeds of the day. The final story I read was published in the Lubbock (Texas) Avalanche-Journal.

Texas done did it again. But this time, I’m not pointing fingers at the politicians. Instead, I’m pointing them square at the people.

But so as not to single them out, it’s not just Texans.

Last year, hundreds of Methodists left the United Methodist Church to create a new sect known as “Global Methodists.”

Right there — using the word Global — seems blind. While the rest of the world has moved on to more important topics like the war in Ukraine, climate change, and the economy, northwest Methodist Texans are stuck on us gays!

Of the 200 churches in the UMC’s Northwest Texas Conference, 145 chose to disaffiliate from the UMC, primarily over gay marriage and sexuality. During this regional conference held in Lubbock, the Global Methodist mission statement was repeated over and over: “To make disciples of Jesus Christ passionately, love extravagantly, and witness boldly.”

It seems like the entire Methodist Church is melting down over us gays. My only experience with the church occurred at the Broadway United Methodist Church in the heart of Boystown in Chicago.

Chicago

In 1995, a new pastor, Rev. Gregory Dell, was brought into the church. Given the community, he knew that diversity would be vital to growing the church. Pastor Dell had performed same-sex holy unions when asked over the years. The first holy union in the church itself of two male members took place in September 1998.

A month later, Pastor Dell received a letter from Bishop Sprague that a formal ecclesiastical complaint had been filed against him. News spread through the media. Rev. Fred Phelps of Kansas’ Westboro Baptist Church got wind of it and demonstrated against Broadway, which brought forth powerful community support for the church.

Pastor Dell was brought to trial in March of 1999 for disobeying the rules stated in the Book of Discipline of the United Methodist Church. He was found guilty and was suspended indefinitely. He and his counsel, Rev. Larry Pickens, appealed his sentence, and it was changed to suspension for one year, starting July 1, 1999.

The pastor went on to direct a non-profit organization but never regained full-time status in the church. He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease in 2007 and passed in 2016.

The church continued to embrace the community, and I thought that meant the UMC was more liberal than other denominations. However, I have now come to learn otherwise.

In 2019, at the Methodist General Convention, church leaders saw they were at an impasse over LGBTQ issues and same-sex marriage. As a result, a separation plan was proposed, calling for creating a “traditionalist Methodist denomination,” distinct from the UMC.

Later that year, several UMC clergy refused to adhere to the traditional plan that the church wanted to follow and the UMC Book of Discipline, even though it remained opposed to same-sex marriage. (The church had also proposed a version that called for loosening the restrictions.) Instead, they decided to plan what would become the Global Methodist Church. John Wesley, the father of Methodism, stated about evangelism that “The world is my parish.” Thus, the new name.

Like everything, decisions about the future of the UMC were put on hold during the pandemic until late last year.

Texas Methodists Vow to Go Their Own Way

But by the end of 2022, many Methodist Texans had already decided. Four hundred churches voted to leave their parent denomination, the UMC. There had been a previous mass exodus of churches in North Carolina, Alabama, Louisiana, Georgia, Arkansas, and Florida.

All in the South. And all about gays. How interesting. Did you ever stop and wonder why they doth protest too much?

The Texans in Lubbock claimed that the UMC had grown too liberal on critical cultural issues, most importantly, LGBTQ rights.

Like all denominations, Methodists have a doctrine. The new “Global” church also has one: “The Transitional Book of Doctrines and Discipline.” They quickly get to their “no-nos” on page 17 of 104. It includes under Part One, paragraph 108, “The Nature, Design, and General Rules of our United Societies:

First: (and I’ve skipped a few things): Drunkenness: buying or selling spirituous liquors, or drinking them, unless in cases of extreme necessity.

What is an extreme necessity in the case of alcohol? Haven’t we all been in those situations? Damn, I need a cocktail right now!

Slaveholding: buying or selling slaves.

It’s 2023, people! We’ve still got a long way to go regarding racial equality, but does slaveholding really need to be said?

The putting on of gold and costly apparel.

Guys, leave your gold chains at home before attending this church.

This is where it gets good. In Part 2, paragraph 202, “Our Witness to the World:”

7. We believe that human sexuality is a gift of God that is to be affirmed as it is exercised within the legal and spiritual covenant of a loving and monogamous marriage between one man and one woman.

And this:

8. We are saddened by all expressions of sexual behavior, including pornography, polygamy, and promiscuity, that do not recognize the sacred worth of each individual or that seek to exploit, abuse, objectify, or degrade others, or that represent less than God’s intentional design for His children. While affirming a scriptural view of sexuality and gender, we welcome all to experience the redemptive grace of Jesus and are committed to being a safe place of refuge, hospitality, and healing for any who may have experienced brokenness in their sexual lives.

So guys: don’t drink. Don’t even think about marrying your partner. And for crying out loud, stop it with the porn! I love this church!

Now there’s another part to this, and that’s where the church meets politics. To the extent that churches can lobby (it’s not called lobbying when it’s a church), it’s not good news for us, given how volatile things already are. But I will save that for next time.

Right now, it is time for a drink, maybe watch some porn, and check out the hookup sites. And then I will love extravagantly.

Sources:

• “The Birth of a Movement: One of First Global Methodist Conferences Launches in Lubbock” by Alex Driggars in the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal, 1/28/2023
• “Why You Should be Worried About the Split in the Methodist Church” by Joshua Zeitz on politico.com, 12/9/2022
• https://broadwaychurchchicago.com/
• https://globalmethodist.org/
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Global_Methodist_Church

Here’s some other stuff that I wrote for Prism & Pen:

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