The Loudest, Longest, and Horniest- Which Countries Win The Sex Olympics?

This may help you choose where your next vacation should be

There is a lot of sex at the Olympics—a two-week lust-filled event.

However, the main aim — at least for most athletes — is to win medals. But what if there was an Olympic-style tournament solely for sex. Which countries would win gold? Who would finish last? And what events would there be?

These are the type of thoughts that consume and distract me. So today, I decided to research the sexual activities and performance of people from countries around the world.

The results were taken from several global surveys, including the Sexual Wellbeing Survey, the Face of Global Sex, and one conducted as part of World Orgasm Day a few years ago by sex toy website LELO.

I looked at different metrics of sexual activity — frequency, satisfaction, duration, and volume, amongst others to see which countries get to stand on the sexual podium and which sadly come in last. Pun well and truly intended.

So let’s look at the results.

Event one: Frequency

Japan hosted the most recent Olympics, and I hope that some of the sexual energy from the athletes competing rubbed off as it seems the Japanese need a little help.

One government survey claimed that 42% of men and 44.2% of women — aged 18 to 34 — are virgins.

And even those having sex weren’t overly happy.

It was the only country in the world where a higher percentage of people said they were dissatisfied with their sex lives than were satisfied. A lot of this stems from the fact that they just can’t get enough.

Only 34% of Japanese people had sex once a week or more. This not only ranked them last in the world but by a substantial margin.

One of the reasons given for the lack of sex in Japan is that they work more hours per week than most other nations.

This has led to the less physical connection between spouses to such an extent that “some of Japan’s leading homebuilders now report that more than one in three custom homes is built with separate bedrooms for husband and wife.”

If I lived there, I would be lobbying for a four-day workweek.

The average Japanese person has sex 45 times a year. This is less than half the global average. Before you Americans reading this feel too smug, the United States came in second last with just 53% of Americans having sex once a week or more.

The podium:

Gold medal: Greece 164 sexual encounters per year. 87% of Greeks have sex at least once a week.

Silver medal: Brazil 145

Bronze Medal: Russia 143

Event two: Most partners

This is a question that can cause rifts in relationships — how many people have you slept with? My opinion is, it shouldn't matter, yet I know couples who have broken up over this issue. The number is too high or too low.

Durex conducted a survey asking the number of sexual partners people had experienced. Before I release the winners, it is worth noting that according to research, 42 percent of men and 21 percent of women lied about their sexual history.

Men are far more likely to increase their number of sexual partners, whereas women are more likely to decrease their number. The movie American Pie called this the rule of three — males multiply their true answer by three, and females divide theirs by three.

I’ll assume that the people in the survey all told the truth.

Men's Gold Medal: Austria with an average of 29.3 partners.

Women's Gold Medal: New Zealand with an average of 20.4 partners.

Event 3: Duration

A survey by sex toy company Lovehoney found that for most heterosexual couples, sex lasts 19 minutes on average. This was broken down into 10 minutes of foreplay and nine minutes of actual intercourse.

52% were happy with the duration of sex, while 23% of men and 19% of women said they wanted longer time between the sheets.

With that in mind, let’s look at the results.

Unfortunately for anyone in Turkey reading this, but they came in last — or rather to be literal, actually came first — and had the shortest average sex time of 3.7 minutes.

Gold medal: Denmark. Average time 44 minutes

Silver medal: United States. 41 minutes

Bronze Medal: Finland. 39 minutes.

Event 4: Orgasms

The above are just the warm-up categories. After all, when it comes to sex, it really should be about quality over quantity. And one way to measure the quality of sex is via orgasm.

LELO surveyed people across 21 countries with regards to their orgasms. They found the global average rate of climax is two to three a week.

The bad news for Canadians is that over 15% reported never having orgasmed — either solo or with another person. This was more than any other country.

Gold Medal: Norway. 35% of Norwegian respondents claimed they climax at least once a day. So if you are tossing up between visiting either Canada or Norway — you know which country to pick.

On a side note, in the case of Human v Animal, an animal will win the orgasm event. There is an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest orgasm. Sadly for us humans, that record is held by the domestic pig, which on average lasts for 30 minutes but can last for up to 90 minutes.

Event 5: Noise level

Often a sign of enjoyment is when your sexual partner responds with some noises. Be it groaning, moaning, or screaming. Of course, this doesn't mean that silent people aren't enjoying sex, but we want noise at my made-up sex Olympics!

Before we go to our medal ceremony, let’s once more look at those who finished at the bottom of the pack.

42% of Portuguese say they are quiet when they climax; close behind are the Dutch. Sadly my fellow Aussies are ranked third last in the noise category, with almost 35% orgasming in silence.

Back to awarding medals and the nations most likely to replicate the famous When Harry Met Sally scene are:

Gold medal: Brazil. Over 65% of Brazilians said they were screamers in bed. This was way ahead of any other country.

Silver medal: Norway 40%

Bronze Medal: Not reported.

Event 6: Closing the orgasm gap

There have been many articles written on the orgasm gap.

Research from the Kinsey Institute showed that men — straight or gay — experience orgasms 85 percent of the time they have sex. Lesbians achieve orgasm about 75 percent of the time, while straight females orgasm during 63 percent of sexual encounters. It’s a large gap, so I thought our final category should look at countries where the orgasm gap is narrowest.

While Russians may still be celebrating their bronze medal in our first event, they performed poorly in this event. Russia and Thailand tied for last with the biggest orgasm gap between males and females.

Gold medal: Nigeria. A clear gold medal here for the Nigerians. There was only a 4% orgasm gap.

Silver medal: Singapore

Bronze Medal: China

The closing ceremony

And that brings us to the end of our sex event. Hopefully, it will become an annual event.

Of course, these statistics don't speak to every person who lives in that country — looks at his silent Aussie compatriots — but it does make for an interesting study.

And hopefully an interesting article.

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