How Many People Have You Slept With?

The question that can make or break a relationship

I was annoyed. I shouldn't have been, but I was. It was petty and outdated, but I couldn't get it out of my head.

My girlfriend and I had just finished the dreaded conversation. The discussion around the number of past sexual partners. We were in our early twenties, and I thought I was about average in terms of sexual experience. I gave up my answer. My girlfriend nodded and then said, “oh.”

Oh? Was that disappointment? Concern? Shock? Pity? What the hell does ‘oh’ mean?

Feeling a bit flustered, I asked her the same question. When she told me, my mouth was open in the shape of an O, but no sound came out. It was triple my answer. Triple.

“Yeah, I went through a bit of a stage…” she said as her voice trailed off. Her face went red, matching mine. A pair of beetroots.

For the next few days, I couldn't shake the number out of my head. It brought to mind a scene from the movie Clerks. When one of the characters, Dante, finds out his girlfriend has performed oral sex on 36…actually 37 guys.

I moved past this, and we dated for several years. After all, the past was history, and it only mattered what happened in the future. As long as she didn't add to her list while she was with me, I didn't care.

But it does beg the question — should you even ask your partner how many sexual partners they have had? And more importantly, does it really matter?

I’m too sexy for these stats

I know nothing is less sexy than statistics, but it’s worth having a quick look at them. (Don’t worry, I included a graph that’s pretty hot to look at).

The “average” number of sexual partners varies by country (and even by state) and by generation. For example, in the US, in Louisiana, surveys showed an average of 15.7 sexual partners (many, I’m sure thanks to Bourbon Street), while Utah was 2.6 — no doubt due to the number of Mormons in the state that promotes abstinence until marriage.

According to Statista, the Turks average the most sexual partners, with my fellow Aussies coming in at second. I guess my ex-partner was fucking for her country! Of the countries surveyed, India came in at the lowest number with 3.1.

The average number of sexual partners continues to increase over time as each generation has more sex than the one before it.

Baby Boomers average 10.7 sexual partners, a figure already surpassed by Millennials and being chased down by Gen Z before adulthood. This makes sense as attitudes to sex and sexuality evolve. No longer is it seen as scandalous to engage in premarital sex, and each generation has sex earlier and with more partners.

OK, so what should I say when I’m asked about my sexual experience?

The short answer is the truth. But it seems that most of us believe that dishonesty is the best policy.

According to research, 42 percent of men and 21 percent of women lied about their sexual history. Men are far more likely to increase their number of sexual partners, whereas women are more likely to decrease their number. The movie American Pie called this the rule of three — males multiply their true answer by three and females divide theirs by three.

People tend to lie to avoid judgment, and sadly it seems there is still a lot of masculine bravado (leading to exaggeration) and females scared of slut-shaming (leading to lowering of their number).

It shouldn't matter at all. If you are in a relationship, your partner should accept all of you, including your past. If either partner is anxious enough to lie about their number, then they aren’t in a trusting relationship.

Is there a magic number?

Yes — 23.

Just joking. There is no correct answer even though many of us lie about the answer we give in the hope of giving a ‘better’ answer.

Some celebrities have been open with their number:

• Charlie Sheen: “If you want me to take a wild guess, I’ll say 5000.”
• Amy Schumer: “To date, I’ve slept with 28 people.”
• Wilt Chamberlain: “20,000 different ladies. At my age, that equals out to having sex with 1.2 women a day, every day since I was 15 years old.”

Wilt — that sounds exhausting.

Again in looking for information on this, there are many male celebrities bragging about big numbers while very few female celebrities share their number. Is this because females do not feel the need to brag or because there is still a stigma attached to this?

Interestingly, a 2004 report from the National Bureau of Economic Research said the ideal number of sexual partners for maximizing happiness is one a year. The report found that people who had just one sexual partner a year tended to be happier than people who had more than one per year.

So Wilt could have saved more of his energy for the basketball court and been much happier.

To ask or not to ask, that is the question

Welcome to Family Feud. I’m Steve Harvey, your ever-smiling host.

Our first question today is,“ what is the most uncomfortable question to ask your partner?”

If you hit your buzzer and responded with “How many sexual partners have you had?” then you would have got the top answer with a survey result of 45%.

We seem to fear that the answer we hear will be too high or too low. Unlike Goldilocks, there is no just right. Does that mean we should just avoid the question?

Megan Negendank, a psychotherapist and sex therapist in Sacramento, California, says, “it’s really important to be able to have open conversations about sex with our partners, and sharing our number could lead to a good discussion about what sex means to us and what we want from sexual intimacy at this point in our lives.”

Negendank believes we should feel comfortable asking sexual questions of our partner. This should include whether they have any STDs or STIs, their sexual boundaries, and whether you are in a monogamous relationship.

Since the conversation I had with my ex-partner, I haven't asked the question again. I have discussed more important sexual issues around sexual consent, practices, and preferences as they all affect our sex life now. The number of sexual partners doesn't affect it at all. Whether that number is 1 or 100 is of no relevance.

If you feel that it’s a fun question and might bring you close together, then feel free to ask. Sharing intimate information can be a way to grow closer. However, if you are worried that a number (too high or too low) may upset either of you, then it’s best not to ask.

I think it is best summed up by Jennifer Wiessner, a Maine-based couples and sex therapist who says, “in the end, a sexual tally sheet will most certainly not enhance the relationship. Honesty and safe sex practices in your current relationship will.”

And it's that last sentence that matters the most. Not their sexual past.