The Real Gold Medal Event At The Olympics Is Sex
17 days. 42 condoms per person. A volcanic release of pent-up hedonism
“My last Olympics, I had a girlfriend — big mistake. Now I’m single, so London should be really good. I’m excited.” Ryan Lochte, Olympic Gold Medallist, and reality TV douchebag.
I usually wouldn't quote someone like Lochte, but I thought it was an interesting quote. Athletes around the world train all their lives for an event that occurs every four years. Or I guess five years in the case of the delayed 2020 Tokyo Olympics.
All this time, I thought the hours of hard work were for the opportunity to represent their country and attempt to win a medal. But it seems for many it's the opportunity to fuck themselves silly.
According to Lochte, “ 70 to 75 percent Olympians” have sex at the Olympics.
This figure should come as no surprise. If you were creating a recipe for a sex-fest, then the following ingredients would be prime
- young people from around the world
- athletes in peak physical shape
- the release of pressure built over the previous four years aiming for one goal
- an abundance of parties and alcohol
- lots and lots of condoms — but we shall get to that
“There is one party after another; then alcohol comes into play. It happens that people have sex, and there are enough people who strive for that.” Former German Olympian Susen Tiedke. Tiedke incidentally met her husband at the Olympics, so at least relationships can form out of the one-night stands.
Citius. Altius. Fortius
The Olympic motto above translates to faster, higher, stronger, and seems applicable to the sexual antics that occur at the event. It has been going on for some time.
The last time the Olympics were held in Tokyo was in 1964. Attending those Olympics was one of Australia’s most successful athletes, gold medal-winning swimmer Dawn Fraser. Unfortunately, she was arrested at the Olympics for stealing the Olympic flag from the Imperial Palace and fleeing on a police motorcycle while being chased by police across Tokyo. Sadly she was better in the water than on land and was caught.
She was subsequently banned for ten years and wrote a book in 1965 — Below the Surface: The Confessions of an Olympic Champion, published in 1965.
In it, she lifted the lid on the sexual antics that occurred in Tokyo. Fraser said that many countries — she named Japan and Sweden as examples, offered a sexual service to their athletes. Any male athlete that wanted a female companion was provided one by team officials.
There was no mention of whether female competitors enjoyed the same service.
Condom Santa and his big sack
The Olympics acknowledged the proclivity for sex and thought they should encourage responsibility and safety. So for the first time at the 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul, South Korea, officials began distributing condoms to competitors. They wanted to raise awareness of safe sex and prevent the spread of HIV. They gave away 8500 condoms that year.
Safe sex was all relative. Olympic organizers found lots of used condoms on the roofs of athletes' housing. I guess they still wanted an element of danger to their sexual activity. Roof sex was so common that the Olympic Association had to bring in a new rule that prohibited outdoor sex.
The number of condoms distributed increased at each Olympics has continued to increase. In Sydney 2000, Australian organizers ordered 70,000 condoms which they thought would be more than enough. However, it seems the laid-back Aussie environment led to more people laying back, and supplies ran out one week into the event, and additional emergency condoms were urgently brought in.
Learning from this mistake, Durex donated 130,000 condoms in Athens 2004 “to smooth the performance of the world’s elite sportspeople in the arena and under the covers.” There is nothing like a smooth performance in the arena — or bed.
It all came to a climax in 2016 in Rio de Janeiro when 450,000 condoms were provided to sex-fuelled athletes. In addition, they also provided 175,000 sachets of lubricant. The number was so large that they employed people to walk around the Olympics with sacks of condoms. I really hope they were called Condom Santas.
Let’s put those condom numbers into perspective with some numbers.
The Olympics lasted seventeen days, and there were 10,500 athletes competing. So each athlete would have received on average 42 condoms at a rate of 2.5 per day. Given that, on many days, they were competing and presumably not having sex, and that many athletes were hooking up with each other and so only one person was using their allotted condom — that is a fuck load of fucking!
There should be an Olympic category on Pornhub
Another athlete who was open about the Sexlympics is Hope Solo, who represented Team USA in soccer — and perhaps other events at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Hope said that members of her team often snuck in unauthorized companions into their rooms, ingeniously using their gold medals to distract security.
American shooter John Lakatos looks back fondly in his time in Sydney 2000. He was sharing a floor at a house with members of the Team USA men's athletics team. He recalls after one party, “The next morning, swear to God, the entire women’s 4x100 relay team of some Scandinavian-looking country walks out of the house, followed by boys from our side. And I’m just going, ‘Holy crap, we’d watched these girls run the night before.’”
It’s not just the athletes you’d expect that have sex success.
Matthew Syed competed in Barcelona in 1992. He described it as a “sex fest’ and “a volcanic release of pent-up hedonism.” Over the two weeks of the Olympics, he “got laid more often in those two and a half weeks than the rest of my life up to that point.”
And what was Syed’s event at the Olympics?
Table tennis. Yep, a ping pong player had non-stop sex at the Olympics.
Those aren’t rings
All this time, I thought the Olympic symbol above was five rings. It is only now that I believe they are the 5 O’s of the Olympics.
Oral. Organ. Orgasm. Orgy. OMG.
Admittedly that 5th is a little weak, but I ran out of O sex words. So yeah, it’s not my best work. Moving on...
The developments in technology since 1964 have made hookups between athletes even easier. No need for officials to ‘matchmake’ when there are apps.
In London in 2012, randy athletes caused the Grindr app to crash the same day that athletes arrived for the Olympics. “It happened almost as soon as the teams got here. Either loads of athletes were logging on to meet fellow Olympians or were looking to bag a local.”
Grindr did state a few days later that it was just a coincidence. But was it?
“Tinder! “Tinder in the Olympic Village is next level. It’s all athletes! In the mountain village it’s all athletes. It’s hilarious. There are some cuties here.” American snowboarder Jamie Anderson.
Please wait to get home to fornicate
So what can athletes expect at the upcoming Tokyo Olympics?
They have scaled back condoms to a mere 150,000 condoms — and have made a plea. Organizers have asked that athletes take the condoms but not use them until they return home. With COVID-19 still rampant in Tokyo, they are pleading with athletes to maintain social distancing and abide by strict coronavirus rules. And that means no sex.
“The distribution of condoms is not for use at the athlete’s village, but to have athletes take them back to their home countries to raise awareness.” Not only is outdoor sex banned, but apparently indoor sex.
And they are doing their best to try and minimize sex — through the use of ‘anti-sex beds.’ These beds — which seem to sum up my bed throughout much of my younger years — are made from cardboard. They are not designed to bear much weight and can break with sudden movements. Also, they are recyclable, so yay for the environment.
The manufacturer of the cardboard bed, Airweave, took the anti-sex seriously saying “we’ve conducted experiments, like dropping weights on top of the beds.”
So as we watch the Olympians compete at various events over the next few weeks, remember the real gold medal events aren't being televised.
If only there were an Olympics OnlyFans. Damn it — there was my fifth O word to use!
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