PERSONAL ESSAY
The Joy of Being No-Years-Old
Being childlike is not the same as “acting like a child.”
Not long ago, I was spending time with a good friend, just hanging out, chatting by the pool, enjoying a puff, both of us relaxing completely in each other’s company.
In the middle of a sentence, something across the yard caught my eye, and I leaped up to investigate whatever it was moving along the grass. When I returned, my friend said, “You were skipping like a little girl. Your walk completely changed. You were being no-years-old!”
In my lexicon, a good friend is someone you can be with without having that “walking on eggshells” feeling, someone who accepts who you are without judging you or comparing your behaviors to some secret book of rules that only they know.
The Book of Rules
When I was growing up, the one thing my mother repeatedly said to me continues to bounce around in my head almost daily:
“If you [fill in the blank] then people will think [fill in the blank].”
Nothing else she ever said or did to me had such a profound influence on me and my kid brother. She was telling us that everyone — friends, family, strangers — would judge us by our actions and words, fairly or not. The only thing that mattered was what “they” thought of us, and in what category they assessed us to belong.
To her — and most people, I later learned — the thing that mattered most was what people thought of us. Or, rather, what we assumed people thought of us. There was no way to know for sure because no one ever told us what they were thinking.
What my mother, and others like her, assumed was that everyone operated under the same Book of Rules. We learned some of those contained in hers.
- “Remember to say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ or they’ll think I haven’t taught you anything.” (In this case, it’s all about the teacher of the rules!)
- “Don’t jump on the furniture. They’ll think you were raised in a barn.”
- “Act your age. They’ll think you don’t have any manners.”
- “Don’t pick your nose. They’ll think you were raised by monkeys.”
The Secret Book of Rules
Outside of a church sermon, one rarely hears a discussion about standards of behavior. One never hears anyone talk about their standards, aside from those like “She smokes too much,” “He’s such a flirt,” “She’s a gossip,” “He likes to party, hard,” and “She knows a lot of men in high places.”
Everyone has one of these, a secret book of rules, whether we are aware of it or not. We all carry a list of criteria against which we judge others’ actions, words, and deeds — or rumors thereof. But the only person who knows the full contents of that “Book of Rules” is the holder of that book.
As we grow into young adulthood, the “rules” that are meant to apply to us become more targeted toward how we deal with the opposite sex:
- From our mothers: “Don’t chase boys. They’ll think you’re easy.”
- From our rivals’ secret book of judgments: “She thinks she’s so cute in that cheerleader outfit. She’s probably doing the whole team.”
The list of examples is endless and best left to the reader to recall for themselves. The key message here is that, as a result of early teachings, each of us premeditates our actions within the context of our personal book of rules as well as what we believe are the contents of everyone else’s books of rules.
We do not wish to be judged.
Unless we are mentally incapacitated in some way, we do care about others’ opinions of us. Well, for most of our lives, we do, but after a certain age we no longer give a spit about their opinions, and we live life according to our very own evolved book of new rules.
In other words, when we no longer care what people think, we will be free to be no-years-old any time we damn well please.
When we meet a person for the first time, that person has no information on which to base their judgment, other than our general appearance — being pigeonholed based on the style, quality, or neatness of our outfits, yet another set of rules!— or the way we make eye contact. From the start, what we say will either elevate us in that person’s esteem or send us tanking.
We may never know what that person thought of us. We may never see them again. But because we were clueless about the contents of that person’s rule book, we tried to guess what would be appropriate — based on life experience and on sizing up that new person ourselves — and, therefore, we were acting like someone we were not, to avoid being judged.
Acting like someone we are not
To get along in polite society and the business arena, we each don a mask in the morning as we’re preparing to face the world. We’re seldom conscious of this, being unaware that we have transitioned from no-years-old, as we awakened, to our grown-up persona, adjusted for what we have long assumed is the standard set of rules we must obey to avoid being judged harshly.
So, if we’re acting, not being “ourselves,” then who are we really? And when are we that persona? And how will we know?
The layers of civilization
My first husband was an alcoholic. During the day he was a normal functioning human being, an officer and a gentleman. But when that first gin and tonic hit bottom, I could watch as the layers of politeness and rational behavior started to peel away, one by one, until the only functioning part of his brain was the reptilian part — defensive, aggressive, mean, and irrational. His addiction took him well beyond a regression to no-years-old, even beyond human at times. He went to a very deep, dark place that had no functioning rules whatsoever.
On the lighter side, many of us enjoy getting a little bit sloshed or stoned because we feel more relaxed in that state, meaning that the so-called “rules” can be suspended for a time, especially when in the company of like-minded people — a safe environment without judgments.
In a safe environment. Without judgments. Relaxed. Free. Enjoying the lightness of being. Happy. Curious. Interested. Unrestrained. Unselfconscious. Utterly unconcerned about what anyone else may think, about oneself or anyone else. This is being no-years-old.
No-Years-Old
“No-years-old” doesn’t mean “zero” years old. It just means that one is in a state where one’s birthdate doesn’t dictate one’s behaviors. It’s a state where a person is unconstrained by societal norms, rules, consequences, or any other set of behaviors someone has told us is “appropriate for our age.”
When I’m “no-years-old,” I’m usually spending time with a good friend, walking in the woods, splashing in the pool, sitting in the shade enjoying the buzz from a pot brownie, deep in conversation… or not! I’m reminded of a poster I used to display on my office wall in the Pentagon: “Sometimes Ah sits ‘n thinks; and sometimes Ah jes’ sits.”
This concept of no-years-old isn’t a simple one to define. First, we need to understand what it means to be an adult, with all the layers of rules and polite behaviors, along with other criteria passed down to us from parental books of rules.
We were not born with any of these rules. They were all added, layer by layer, as we moved through life. Each individual’s rulebook is unique to them, and seldom will anyone else ever gain full knowledge of any other person’s secret tome.
We need to relearn how it feels to be a kid again, to splash in puddles, taste flowers, chase bugs… simply because it’s fun or interesting!
Stay Tuned
This essay is just a start. This concept of no-years-old is still new to me and I continue to explore it as deeply and often as possible. It feels that good. And I want to share.
Subsequent chapters — yes, it could become a full-length book — will discuss some of the key aspects of and requirements for achieving the delicious state of no-years-old.
- How can we achieve “no-years-old” with someone else? How do we know it’s safe?
- What do we mean by “trust”? Do we start with the highest expectations? Do we feel safe from assualt, verbal abuse, humiliation, criticism, gossip?
- What does “safe” mean?
- Can you be no-years-old when you’re alone?
- How can one get into that state? How will one know they’ve achieved it?
Takeaways for consideration
When I’m in that blissed-out state of no-years-old, I’m seldom conscious of it until afterward. My goal with this series of essays will be to explore how it feels, how to achieve it, and how to be aware of being in that state.
To be no-years-old is to feel free, safe, and utterly uninhibited by others’ books of rules. This is a new concept for me and perhaps for most of us. Please join me in my journey of discovery.
Adelia Ritchie, PhD, with thanks to Walter Sokil for many lengthy discussions on this topic. Here is an interview introducing my background.
Here are some samples of my work for new readers.
