BUILD-IT-YOURSELF SEX

The IKEA Female Orgasm Kit

Does this thing come with instructions?

I have questions about sex.

Not about the basics: mommy and daddy give each other a special hug. Mommy gets fat, but anyone using the word “fat” will die. Then a stork brings the baby. All that is pretty clear.

Where I could use some help is female orgasms. The male one and I have been in frequent contact since the day we met, but women are more complicated and not shy about saying so.

An article titled Why Women Really Like “50 Shades Of Grey” suggests it’s not only me:

Part of the appeal of the (Fifty Shades) trilogy was that Ana didn’t have to say what she wanted — Grey just knew what to do. “For women, the need to always communicate their desires can be a burden. Why does there have to be a fucking instruction manual to fuck me?”

I sympathize, that must be aggravating. But I’m worried about her partner’s highwire act between competence and consent. It’s easy to say you want someone who “just knows what to do,” but nobody’s a mindreader. What happens if he gets it wrong? Like the guy who swore he thought you were an “Aussie Bush Fire” kind of girl — the down under part was great, but then the lighter came out and you clocked him with his taxidermied crocodile.

Guys are assholes toward women and don’t deserve much benefit of the doubt. But in the age of consent, I’m not sure caution and derision can be on the table simultaneously. At least for a new relationship.

In the beginning, each of you has a fascinating new toy to play with. There should be no shame in consulting a manual during the breaking-in period. But over time it is a man’s responsibility to diligently study the ins and outs of his lady love’s happy place. Failing to do so constitutes sexual malpractice, and you deserve to have somebody go Christian Grey on your heinie.

Unfortunately, malpractice seems to be very common. Actress Emma Thompson brought it up during an interview about her film Good Luck to You, Leo Grande:

To be honest, brutally honest, an awful lot of men don’t concern themselves with female orgasms, they don’t care.

Agreed, and that’s unacceptable. The first rule of sex is a gentleman never leaves a lady hanging.

But let’s not kid ourselves, it isn’t an equal division of labor. In the IKEA catalog of sex, MÄN is a $10 wall shelf — in a pinch, you can get by with a few simple tools and five minutes work.

Women usually need more effort. If you accept an invitation to help furnish her place, it’s not enough to leave once the shelf is up. You’re there for the duration, even if ÖHMIGØD turns out to be a Rubik’s cube-inspired cabinet system with some pieces missing and an instruction booklet translated by Jose Cuervo.

And bring a full tool belt, because the little wrench may not be enough.

But you signed up for this. You are excused when she says it’s time to stop or your physical strength and battery supply are exhausted. Eat your Wheaties.

More Emma Thompson:

What resonates is the idea that the female orgasm somehow has to be performative. Because the female orgasm is there to convince the man that he’s managed it, he’s achieved it, he’s done the thing he’s supposed to do for the woman.

Hmm. So he should concern himself with her orgasm, but not too much?

If the need to communicate their desires is a burden for women, female unpredictability is a burden for men — admit it, your path home rarely takes the shortest route.

Even if he’s studied your terrain, it’s often less a direct flight than plotting a rough trajectory while preparing for unpredictable course corrections. He’ll need landmarks. Doing the whole thing in silence is unlikely to produce a satisfactory result, even with an experienced bush pilot.

One last quote from Thompson:

What’s so wonderful about the story is that Leo is not there to give Nancy her orgasm, that’s not his purpose.

God-fucking-dammit! Are you trying to make this as hard as possible?

Let’s see if I understand: a man should ask consent for every step but know precisely what you want and do it without having to ask while in pursuit of your orgasm that’s not his purpose even though he can’t stop until you’ve had it so it actually is and which you don’t have to display you’re having even though it’s the only way for him to know you’re having what he’s trying to make sure you have and can’t stop until you do though it’s not his purpose to make sure you have the orgasm you may or may not be on track for at any given moment.

Is that close? Because I have no idea what I just said.

But look, I get it. You want everything to be perfect. We all do. And I’m sure there’s someone in the world who could make all your dreams come true. And not only between the covers of a book, but the covers of your bed.

Except a guy like that will be in very high demand, and he’ll want everything to be perfect, too. Better polish up your tool kit, it’s gonna be more than bookcases tonight.

Thanks to Amy Sea for excellence in editing

John Werth is a Medium Top Writer in Humor, Satire and LGBTQ who describes his writing style as “You’d read this if I were famous.” He is sooo not cool enough to refer to himself in the third person.

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