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Abstract

f town is fun and relaxing, and we can spend time away from everything here.</p><p id="4d6f">But sometimes, I wonder if this is all there is to life these days. I work my job that I enjoy well enough, sometimes we take road trips, and every year or two life smacks me in the knees with a mallet. On top of that, the world is on fire, there is a pandemic <i>still </i>going on out there (no matter what people try to tell me), and our freedoms are being eroded every day by a despotic Supreme Court and a bunch of right-wing fascists.</p><p id="9df1">Yeah, we do our best to get by, and we have fun and enjoy ourselves, getting dinners out sometimes and going on the occasional trip, but it feels like we’re fighting a losing battle. America is sinking further and further every day, my financial judo isn’t enough to keep up with ridiculous inflation, and everything is falling apart around me.</p><p id="44e5">It just feels like nothing will get better ever again. Like, the 80s and 90s were a great time to make a bunch of money and live well, and then 9/11 happened and everything has gotten continually worse since then. Unless you’re one of the 1% already, all you have to look forward to is a life of servitude and suffering until you die.</p><p id="304a">I know that I’m really just spinning my wheels here, but everyone I look at is in a similar boat. A lot of my friends live decently, sure, but they’ve got mortgages, rent, medical bills, child-rearing expenses, groceries, and all of the everyday stuff that keeps getting more and more expensive. We all get by and we all do decently enough for ourselves, but it just feels like we’re all treading water that is rising and will inevitably drown us all.</p><p id="3d94">I do my best to enjoy what I have. My partner loves me, my friends are awesome, my cats are adorable, and my job is damn good compared to a lot of people. It’s just that, on occasion, I look around at things and see the cracks — whether it’s the rising cost of everything or just the literal cracks in my plaster that seem to be getting bigger — and I worry.</p><p id="9cac">I worry that I will never truly thrive like so many people before me. I worry that I was sold a false bill of goods and that the good life I was promised will never come to pass, even though I did everything right. I worry that there is no good life left to be had.</p><p id="c125">I understand that sometimes, life throws you a <a href="https://readmedium.com/one-of-the-biggest-lessons-i-ever-learned-was-from-star-trek-95803430485">Kobayashi Maru</a> — a situation that is unwinnable no matter what you do, even if you do everything right. It just feels like everything is a Kobayashi Maru these days. There is no winning or getting ahead, there is only an inevitable loss. Unless you’re already on top, there is no ladder left to climb.</p><p id="d5f4">And I’m just so, so tired of it. I’m not depressed per se, I’m just worn out by all of the constant crises, the never-ending political hell we’ve found ourselves in, and how expensive everything has become. I find myself tired a lot, worn down to nubs by the world at large.</p><p id="1ec0">That sai

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d, I think it can get better. There are a lot of people out there pushing hard to improve everything for everyone — better roads, better healthcare, better jobs, better everything. And, because I am an optimist, I think that they have a real shot at making this country a better place to live. So many people are working hard to make our lives better, and I am hopeful that they will succeed.</p><p id="b4ac">In the meantime, I will be moving forward at my own pace, one foot in front of the other. Yes, life may waltz me back to where I was at some point, and I may never get anywhere at all. Still, though, even if we never get ahead or go anywhere, there is plenty of joy to be had in the dance itself.</p><p id="baaf">If you appreciate my work, <a href="https://matthewmaniaci.medium.com/membership">why not join Medium as a paying member</a>, which allows you access to unlimited stories (not just three free stories per month), using my referral link. You could also hit me up on <a href="https://ko-fi.com/matthewmaniaci">KoFi</a> if you’re feeling nice.</p><p id="8586">If you liked this, <a href="https://medium.com/thing-a-day">please subscribe to my publication, Thing a Day</a>. I publish something every day on a variety of topics, so you never know what you’re going to see!</p><p id="dd86">Here are some more articles about life, the universe, and everything:</p><div id="e4c4" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-am-so-so-tired-of-life-kicking-me-ec1383d54c46"> <div> <div> <h2>I Am So, So Tired of Life Kicking Me</h2> <div><h3>Seriously, please stop.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*LU3Ph_Tp8MvL06Kq)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="cb00" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-wonder-if-god-hates-me-b10062843c4b"> <div> <div> <h2>I Wonder if God Hates Me</h2> <div><h3>Or: the hits keep on coming.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*LqANSfzKzNHAPTsa)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="6b46" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/one-of-the-biggest-lessons-i-ever-learned-was-from-star-trek-95803430485"> <div> <div> <h2>One of the Biggest Lessons I Ever Learned was from Star Trek</h2> <div><h3>How an unwinnable exercise helped me through a tough time.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*xIqujDSLWBymCsw8)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

The Horrible Feeling that Nothing Will Ever Get Better

I know a lot of you can relate.

My house is falling apart.

The foundation is wrecked, there are cracks in the plaster, and there is a stair-step crack running up the bricks from the basement to the second floor. It’s going to cost a lot of money to fix it.

I am fortunate that I have enough credit and a good enough credit score that I can manage the payment to do all the repairs, but it’s going to be touch and go for a bit. The initial shock of the amount — $76,000 — was a lot, and it felt like the world had it out for us in particular. While we spent several days in utter shock at everything, things have improved since then.

Right now, I’m more or less okay with everything. Sure, we are going to be staying in this house longer than we anticipated because of this, and we will likely be hurting financially for a bit, but it’s not like we’ll be bankrupt or homeless because of this. We will do what we have done for the past decade when trauma strikes: we will survive.

I just wish we didn’t have to just survive everything. I wish we could thrive.

It feels like every few years, something goes wrong. There is a big expense, a major catastrophe, or an unfortunate series of events that wrecks our lives. Two steps forward, two steps back — we’re just dancing a waltz, never leaving the same circle of moving forward only to be pushed back. Sometimes, we get dipped and whack our heads on the floor for good measure.

This metaphor got away from me.

The thing is, it’s just a terrible feeling of never really, truly getting ahead in life. We got our annual cost of living raises this month, and they are significantly lower than the cost of inflation. Thanks to the forward march of capitalism, I am technically making less money than I was a year ago despite my raise.

What can you do? I could find a new job that pays better, but that would mean sacrificing a lot of things that I have gained at my current job and an environment that nourishes me. I could pick up a side job, but that would only stress me out more for so many reasons.

And don’t get me wrong, life isn’t terrible right now. We took a road trip last month to go see a friend and were able to make that work out financially, and while we can’t be doing that all the time, a few times a year won’t kill us. Plus, going to see friends or family out of town is fun and relaxing, and we can spend time away from everything here.

But sometimes, I wonder if this is all there is to life these days. I work my job that I enjoy well enough, sometimes we take road trips, and every year or two life smacks me in the knees with a mallet. On top of that, the world is on fire, there is a pandemic still going on out there (no matter what people try to tell me), and our freedoms are being eroded every day by a despotic Supreme Court and a bunch of right-wing fascists.

Yeah, we do our best to get by, and we have fun and enjoy ourselves, getting dinners out sometimes and going on the occasional trip, but it feels like we’re fighting a losing battle. America is sinking further and further every day, my financial judo isn’t enough to keep up with ridiculous inflation, and everything is falling apart around me.

It just feels like nothing will get better ever again. Like, the 80s and 90s were a great time to make a bunch of money and live well, and then 9/11 happened and everything has gotten continually worse since then. Unless you’re one of the 1% already, all you have to look forward to is a life of servitude and suffering until you die.

I know that I’m really just spinning my wheels here, but everyone I look at is in a similar boat. A lot of my friends live decently, sure, but they’ve got mortgages, rent, medical bills, child-rearing expenses, groceries, and all of the everyday stuff that keeps getting more and more expensive. We all get by and we all do decently enough for ourselves, but it just feels like we’re all treading water that is rising and will inevitably drown us all.

I do my best to enjoy what I have. My partner loves me, my friends are awesome, my cats are adorable, and my job is damn good compared to a lot of people. It’s just that, on occasion, I look around at things and see the cracks — whether it’s the rising cost of everything or just the literal cracks in my plaster that seem to be getting bigger — and I worry.

I worry that I will never truly thrive like so many people before me. I worry that I was sold a false bill of goods and that the good life I was promised will never come to pass, even though I did everything right. I worry that there is no good life left to be had.

I understand that sometimes, life throws you a Kobayashi Maru — a situation that is unwinnable no matter what you do, even if you do everything right. It just feels like everything is a Kobayashi Maru these days. There is no winning or getting ahead, there is only an inevitable loss. Unless you’re already on top, there is no ladder left to climb.

And I’m just so, so tired of it. I’m not depressed per se, I’m just worn out by all of the constant crises, the never-ending political hell we’ve found ourselves in, and how expensive everything has become. I find myself tired a lot, worn down to nubs by the world at large.

That said, I think it can get better. There are a lot of people out there pushing hard to improve everything for everyone — better roads, better healthcare, better jobs, better everything. And, because I am an optimist, I think that they have a real shot at making this country a better place to live. So many people are working hard to make our lives better, and I am hopeful that they will succeed.

In the meantime, I will be moving forward at my own pace, one foot in front of the other. Yes, life may waltz me back to where I was at some point, and I may never get anywhere at all. Still, though, even if we never get ahead or go anywhere, there is plenty of joy to be had in the dance itself.

If you appreciate my work, why not join Medium as a paying member, which allows you access to unlimited stories (not just three free stories per month), using my referral link. You could also hit me up on KoFi if you’re feeling nice.

If you liked this, please subscribe to my publication, Thing a Day. I publish something every day on a variety of topics, so you never know what you’re going to see!