Humor

The Great Indian Sex Education

The only time when the word ‘sex’ didn't tingle us from within

In India, Sex education and talking about Menstruation is taboo but Rape is normal, By this symptom, I diagnose that, We are still backward.

-Aryan Umakant

School life was all about unlocking the secrets of the universe, understanding and applying concepts, learning various skills such as social, self-management, communication, reflection, thinking skills, etc. All of these woven around a string of academic subjects, and co-curricular activities, to give us maximum exposure to different fields.

These were within the accepted boundaries of normalcy for us — The Great Indian Students. But sex education didn't fall under Normal.

Even today, sex-related topics generate either raise eyebrows, or elicit a giggled laugh or two.

Now, imagine way back in 2002, when girls in our class were starting to hit puberty and boys had just started showing early signs of a mustache. It was then that we had the opportunity to have a session on ‘sex education.’

The news spread like a wildfire. I heard one senior guy saying to the other,

‘’There will be a session and it will be about sex.’’

Ooh, la, la. Finally, something in school to look forward to.

The day finally arrived.

Students could hardly concentrate on the classes that day. They were only interested in learning all about sex. They weren't keen on engaging in it, yet, but it was high time they unlocked the whole buzz around it.

Would the buzz be killed or will it be accelerated higher?

Only time would tell.

I was amused to observe, our school had 100% attendance that day. We even saw students who barely turned up due to their ‘’Medical issues.’’

How did they manage to come that day?

Did anyone inform them today was the big day?

Or was it a big coincidence?

Only God knows.

Finally, two female teachers entered the class. One was a Science teacher and the other one was a Math teacher. Both of them knew they had to face us the very next day after imparting the aforementioned knowledge.

More than the knowledge, we were curious how would they go about it?

This is how they went about it

First things first. Girls and boys from grades 7th to 10th were gathered in the passageway. They were then directed to two different classrooms.

Basically, Boys and girls were made to sit separately for a session on SEX-education.

This smart step was taken to drastically reduce the female teacher’s embarrassment about talking about sex. Sex, in most cases, is a physical engagement between a male and a female.

And to explain that, making them sit separately made perfect sense.

I could only manage to occupy the second last bench, as I was way behind in the girl’s line. For the first time, I was unhappy about sitting behind. And for the first time, the girls were keener to occupy the front benches which is never the case with Math and History class.

Now our Math teacher Ms. Gaur came in and she started talking about sex. Of course, she didn't start blabbering about the process, how it happens, and stuff. She just passed on a couple of charts that had some pictorial depictions of how sex is initiated.

I made the following observations from the ‘sex’ chart —

Step 1: The wife is working in the kitchen when the husband approaches her from behind.

Step 2: The wife ignores him for a while but he doesn't leave her alone.

Step 3: The husband ignores her disinterest and places his hands on her shoulder and makes her face him directly.

Step 4: They both bring their faces closer that looked like they were about to engage in a kiss… is when the girl sitting in front bench snatched the ‘sex’ chart from us, saying we were too young to see that.

Steps 5, 6, and 7 were the most interesting ones I guess, but we never got to validate that, and we never will.

Discomfort and disappointment

Amongst the chaotic discussions and laughter relating to the topic in hand, Ms. Anita, our science teacher barged into our class out of nowhere.

Ms. Anita was responsible to take the sex education session for the boys.

The same Ms. Anita who was a traditional Indian woman always seen in a traditional Indian dress. The only thing bold about her was her boy-cut hairstyle. Apart from that, she was a typical Indian housewife working as a teacher.

She came into our class laughing and complaining about how boys were asking questions about the male and female genitalia and their functions. She wanted Ms. Gaur’s opinion on how to handle the ‘’situation.’’

I wish I had the guts to say, “Ma’am, this session was all about sex education and these questions were a given, weren't they? Had you not skipped the reproduction chapter from our biology textbook, such questions wouldn't have arrived in the first place.’’

But I wouldn’t dare say anything to her.

While the other girls were giggling and joking around, I was just too upset that I didn't get to see steps 5, 6, and 7 from the sex chart.

No matter how many sex education videos I watch today, nothing can replace that chart. That chart was the basis of everything I was supposed to know. Thanks to that over-smart girl, Sudha who snatched the chart from us and gave it back to Ms. Gaur. According to her, we weren't eligible to view it, as if she was, hmph!

There was however a group of girls who didn't require to see the chart and were seen openly discussing and cracking jokes with Ms. Guar. And Ms. Anita, who was spending more time in our class than with the boys — who waited to bombard her with questions every time she went back.

I am sure Ms. Anita's passion for Science, and Biology, in particular, would have dropped by a few pounds that day.

What did I learn from the session?

1. Sex is all about 7 stages, out of which I knew the first four thoroughly.
2. For sex to happen, the wife has to be working in the kitchen at all times.
3. Her back should be facing the husband, so he can approach her from behind
4. She can ignore him all she wants, but he will get what he wants in the end because he is a jerk.

Code finally decoded

It took me a decade, a lot of skimming of different biology textbooks, and sex-related jokes to do the math as to how the ‘sex’ actually happens.

Apparently, showing male and female genitalia to children and hoping they would figure out that something goes into the other was never going to happen.

I really had to rack my brains for decoding that, and once done, I passed down that knowledge to my best friend during our second year of graduation college. That day we got closure to that ‘sex’ education session, finally!

While others were learning about sex by engaging in practicals, I and my friend were still stuck at the basics, which also remained mystical until I solved it one day…accidentally!

©Bhavna Narula, 2021. All rights reserved by the author. Kindly read other humorous pieces by me —

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