Fight of the Century
The Folly in Bali
Joe Biden faces off against Xi Jinping
It’s 2022’s most anticipated political sparing session, where a feisty Joe Biden will pull no punches against the notoriously cool, collected Xi Jinping at the G20 summit in Bali, Indonesia.
Joe Biden
Official Height: 6’0 (Unofficial height: 5’11 and a half)
Official Weight: 215 pounds
Nicknames: Sleepy Joe, Quid Pro Joe, Mr. Magoo
“I’m going to go in there and lay on Xi Jinping, just pin him down and don’t let him squirm free as I pound him with Taiwan, Tibet, and Hong Kong. If he thinks toying around with small fish is fun, let’s see how he handles this big worm.”
Xi Jinping
Official Height: 5’9 (Unofficial: 5’6)
Official Weight: 143 pounds (Unofficial: 198 pounds)
Nicknames: Xi, Uncle Xi, Master Xi, Chairman Xi, General Secretary Xi, Supreme Leader Forever and Ever Xi (to his friends)
“I intend to speak with Joe Biden in a polite fashion, while refusing to reveal anything of substance. I am looking forward to the meeting. Americans always cater their conferences so well.”
The two men touch gloves, and there’s the bell!
Looks like Joe is opening strong, pressing Xi up against the ropes with immediate right hook.
Joe: Xi old buddy. What’s with Taiwan? Why can’t you play nice?
Xi: Hello Joe. It is nice to see you again. Have you tried the hot dogs? They’re very good.
Joe: They don’t have any ketchup or mustard. That’s not how you eat hot dog. Come on man!
Xi is moving in. So close he could whisper into his opponent’s ear!
Xi: I’ve had three. I even stuffed two in my pockets for later. Look!
Joe: Those are hot dogs? I thought you were just aroused. But, back to Taiwan. What gives?
Joe has managed to stay on topic and force Xi into a defensive position. A rare feat for the 79-year-old double brain aneurism survivor.
Xi: I love Taiwan. It’s a beautiful province. I wish I could visit more often. They make the best Intestine and Oyster Vermicelli.
Joe: Oh gross man. You eat that stuff? That’s for dogs!
Xi: Dogs are good too.
Joe: What’s that?
Xi: I said what’s your favorite type of cookie Mr. President?
This isn’t good for Joe. The first-term president now finds himself exhausted and confused, stammering his way through the final rounds of this bout, and he still hasn’t been able to pin the notoriously slippery Xi down.
Joe: Jill says I’m not’a’sposed to have my cookie until supper’s over.
Xi: My favourite is gingerbread men. I like to bite the arms and legs off so they can’t run away.
Joe: Is that what you did with Hong Kong, Mr. General Secretary Guy?
Wait a minute! It looks like Joe has found his legs in the last round. This is going to come right down to the final bell folks!
Xi: What’s that? Sorry Joe, I have to go. It looks like Cyril Ramaphosa of South Africa has fallen in the pool and he can’t swim. I’m going to build him a life raft and then charge him every time he uses it until he defaults on the payments, and then I will just drain the pool and leave him safely trapped at the bottom.
Joe: I know all about pools. I was lifeguard. Did I ever tell you the story about Corn Pop and the time he grabbed a razor he rusted up in a rain barrel and threatened to . . .
Xi: See you next year!
And the winner, by split decision, is: Nobody!!! The same outcome as every major political summit! Thanks for wasting your time with us. Goodnight.
Enjoyed yourself? Then read this, Stupid:
For more vaguely boxing related metaphorical humor, try this one on for size Fatchecker: