The Five Types of Emotionally Abusive Fathers

What emotional abuse looks like in parent-child relationships

When talking about abuse, most people will immediately think of physical and sexual abuse, even though most abuse is psychological.

I have listed below the types of emotionally abusive fathers — keep in mind that they can be a combination of two or more.

1. Authoritarian

This type of father is strict, controlling and domineering. He shows little warmth or empathy and is impatient with his children’s misbehaviour. Because of his lack of tolerance, he often inspires fear in his children. As a result, his children often feel that their father does not make any effort to understand their emotions. Consequently, these children may go on to treat others without any concern as to how they feel. Similarly, these children often feel limited from making decisions on their own and hence develop resentment towards authority figures in general.

These parents are also convinced that only they know what is best for their children and do not allow them to engage in their own interests. They instead push their children into what they want them to do. They may abuse their children financially, limiting their actions and leaving them with no money for essentials or even access to their own bank accounts. They may also exert control due to their religious beliefs, restricting what their children can or cannot do due to their beliefs. They usually shame their children to make them behave the way they want them to instead of using positive reinforcement.

2. Emotionally Unavailable / Absent

This type of father is usually raised by alcoholics and is either absent from family life (due to divorce, work, substance use, etc.) or emotionally unavailable for his kids. He avoids emotional conversations with his children and, as a result, does not create a safe space for them to discuss their feelings. He often prioritises work above his family and shows a lack of enthusiasm for his children’s interests. He doesn’t tend to get involved in their activities. He may also choose to focus all of his attention on his partner instead of his children.

Children who grew up with these parents often feel that their requests for attention, acceptance, approval and connection are ignored. They may think that their fathers do not love them and simply tolerate their presence. They don’t see their fathers as support figures in their lives and, as a result, can learn to become excessively independent. In contrast, they may also blame themselves for their fathers’ aloofness and feel somehow defective.

3. Emotionally Unstable

This type of father often exhibits emotional instability with aggression which may include physical and suicidal gestures. He has a low stress tolerance and cannot deal with it maturely. He uses his immature behaviour to control the family by causing them to tiptoe around him. The children often try to avoid another explosion by setting him off by accident, yet it is difficult to predict when another emotional outburst may occur. The family is focused on him, and his problems and their issues take a back seat. The father may often have a meltdown or, similarly, become depressed and have the family focus on him only.

Children who grow up with these parents often learn to apologise constantly. These parents externalise blame and do not accept responsibility for their temper tantrums or harmful behaviours. This often results in the children feeling responsible for everyone’s emotions and well-being. They learn to ignore their own feelings and become people pleasers.

4. Dismissive

This type of father goes further than simply being emotionally unavailable — he is outright rejecting towards his child and sees them as a burden. From his perspective, his child is an outsider — not a member of the family. Such children feel like their fathers would be fine if they didn’t exist as they often feel invalidated and pushed away. No matter what they do to please the father, it feels impossible to gain his affection and love.

These parents withhold love to create the threat of rejection to control their children and tend to be the least empathic out of all types. As a result, their children often see themselves as inconveniencing, annoying and bothersome, finding it difficult to ask for what they need later on in life. Such parents also tend to be hostile toward their children and do not accept any blame. They can become especially rejecting and dismissive when their children want to have an emotional conversation as they are uncomfortable with intimacy and prefer to avoid it.

5. Passive

This type of father is submissive and compliant and often pairs up with a dominant and controlling wife. He doesn’t discipline his children enough and lets them get away with too much. As a result, he fails to teach the child about boundaries and respect. A parent with no boundaries can lead the child to rebel early on and fail to follow socially acceptable behavioural norms. He is also likely to fail to protect the child from the dominant parent’s abusive behaviour, often turning a blind eye instead.

Such fathers are often co-dependent, fear confrontation and live in fear of being judged by others. Because of their quiet and subdued nature, they tend to allow the dominant parent to manage everything. They fail to offer their children guidance because they respond to any problems through denial. They prefer to brush any issues under the carpet, hoping they will go away.

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